Sometimes You Just Have To Move On...

Ok, here we go.

I am a 41 year old female with both parents deceased. Had 5 siblings, now 4 since the one sister passed away in November. I am the youngest, with the oldest sibling old enough to be my mother.

My childhood was one where there was either a depressive atmopshere or one of chaos. Either my mother was depressed and sleeping (she did most of the day and night), or she was yelling and hitting me and my brother that is closest to me in age ( 4 years older than me). Our Dad was outgoing and spent a lot of time away from home, only to come home to hit us with the belt if my mother called him. Things we got hit for were normal things that normal children did, so we learned to just not have friends, and not do anything but watch tv in the house. The older siblings were very cruel, and often contributed to my mothers anger or made her weak and cry. They used the fact that they had a childhood where they saw my Dad beating up my Mom or them taking prescription pills together ( he was a Dentist) as a License to be cruel to our parents as adults and resent my brother and I for being born. I remember the insults by them very vividly, along with the lies they would tell our parents about what we were doing and how bad of children we were. My mother suffered from anger and depression, only to succomb to a long battle of ovarian cancer in which she denied until her kidneys failed and she was on life support machines.  I was 16 when she died. The last thing she said to me was in the hospital where she said "Listen to those poor babies crying", as she was on the same floor...OBGYN,  until she died 3 weeks later after becoming unconscious .

My Dad quickly started living a happy life after she died, dating and taking good care of himself. My Brother was diagnosed with bipolar disease with some other mental condition  when he was 22, after years of odd behavior. His breakdown that caused him to be hospitalized was on the night that I went to my prom. He went walking for 25 miles in 90 degree heat, not knowing where he was or any sense of what was happening. He later said that he did that because he was wondering where I went for my prom. ??? Apparently it could have been caused by the drugs my mom was taking when he was born. I was also told by my Dad even as my my Mom was dying in the hospital of how she made his life miserable, and caused so much trouble for him. My siblings told me of how I spent a year with an out of town Aunt for my first year of life due to my Moms drug abuse and how the birth of me nearly killed her. I was told of how my Dad had to choose if he wanted me or her to live. This was confirmed ironically by the OBGYN that I saw when I became pregnant with my first child. He was there to help deliver me, and told me what bad shape my mother was in. Apparently the whole hospital and seemingly the world knew about this event.

My life after my Mom died was filled with my Sisters spreading rumors about me being sexually active, and also trying at times to act like they liked me.
After my husband and I became pregnant, they called my mother in law and said that it probably was not his baby. After she was born, they bought her tons of stuff and came over to hold her...all the while calling child services to report that I was a bad mother. I went on to have 2 more daughters, and kept a distant contact with my Sisters, mostly at the request of my Dad. As my daughters aged, my Sisters started spreading rumors about them, as they did me. Horrible, hurtful things that always got back to the girls and me. My Dad died in 2006, and I had had enough. My family and I moved, and I barely spoke to just the one Sister...finally ending that 2 years ago after she refused to acknowledge the cruelness and dysfunction that   I WENT THRU. Apparently the older siblings have suffered, and I simply imagined how bad of a life I had and imagined how cruel they were. In November, the one Sister died , 2 years after after her grown son ( my nephew) committed suicide by shooting himself in the head with a gun. The rest of my nephews/nieces which are all adults- either are divorced or have problems with alchohol/drugs. Two of the Siblings have alchohol problems as well.

I still feel a huge void, and have problems with believing that I am ok( they had me convinced I had something wrong with me, and that I was not normal.) The effects of the abuse really do stay with you.  

My whole story here is for a reason. Sometimes you HAVE to get away from it, to save yourself and your own family. You feel guilty, but you can not force people to deal with what they refuse to. You need to start a new beginning, and mourn for the family you never had, and never will. You start new with your children. I can only help myself, just like you can only help yourself. And when people try to destroy you, you sometimes need to walk away...even if it is family.

If anyone needs my help in dealing with this subject, please let me know.

NewBeginningsNow NewBeginningsNow
41-45, F
2 Responses Jul 26, 2011

Thank you for posting. I am reluctantly come back into my dysfunctional family. I moved away for 12 years, those were the best years ever. Now I'm back in my hometown raising my brothers,kids, he's an addict. My dad has terminal bone cancer and his wife is running the show. Making it difficult to see my dad. I know I can't change them but just feel like the more I try to help, the more I am made the scapegoat for their issues. Anyway, it's really nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes the best thing to do sidewalk away.

Well, try to maintain Your own Sobriety...(not a drinking reference; it means 'sanity'). It's needed for not just Yourself, but others in Your life. You may not know this, but such experiences as this indicate a high-spiritual connection, which intensifies & accelerates life's event-ex<x>pressions. Seems hard to cope, but there is "sSelf-Choice" Involved, called Intent. You learn faster this way, grow more Beautiful within Your Soul. If You don't Break. Bend...and Stand Back Upright. Someday, You'll understand the 'Why' of it. Keep A Strong Heart.