My Family Sucks!

Nothing I did was ever good enough to them growing up. My younger sister and I were always yelled at for the smallest things, and my parents were more focused on themselves than us. My dad always had to be right and my mom would guilt us over nearly anything that didn't go her way. I remember her telling me how I was conceived at 12 (she was assaulted while unconscious in her own bed by a "friend" she hung out with at the time), and phrased it as "You weren't conceived in love." Certainly went without saying, and I wish she hadn't said it that way. My feelings never mattered to anyone in that family and I was often by myself in my room growing up.

Around that same time she discovered she had Hepatitis C (now in remission). One day my sister and I were acting up in some way, probably nothing major, and when Mom sat us down one of the things she said was "You guys are so frustrating that sometimes I just want to stop taking my medicine and give up." Seeing as how she was fighting the HepC, this was basically a suicide threat.

My dad was always a controlling jerk, and things started getting worse when I was in high school. Around my freshman year it seems Dad started messing around on my mom, and around my sophomore year they both told my sister and I "We give up. We don't care what you guys do anymore." We always had trouble in school but they never really tried to help (I don't count my dad trying to help me with math homework when I was little- he would explain it in a way that was confusing or that I didn't understand, he'd get frustrated and start yelling at me until I cried. I stopped asking for help after a while and never did well in school), and it seems they were both more wrapped up in themselves than usual. Dad was seeing other women, Mom was a wreck and would corner me to vent, my sister started acting up and when I wasn't being dumped on, I was in the background dealing with a bad relationship of my own. About 17 my dad got caught driving drunk after a football game and my mom called me in tears (and it turns out drunk herself, she'd been in the car with him) to tell me. I told her to let him sit in jail for the night as I was obviously upset that he would do something so stupid, and after always telling us not to do that! By the time I saw him the next day Mom had told him what I said, and he tried to kick me out of the house for saying it! He was convinced that my saying that meant I "didn't love him anymore". I somehow convinced him not to, but he's always felt he was in the right for it and has never apologized.

Eventually my dad finally walked out on Mom around Christmas, and it came out that he had knocked up some dumb then 20-year-old girl, though despite telling us the following May the girl was 5 months pregnant denied he ever cheated on Mom. Turns out he also wasn't paying the mortgage and other things for about three years so he could spend money on his girlfriends during that time too.

Since then my sister decided at 17 to get pregnant. She's been in denial about how our parents treated us (once claimed them saying they "gave up on us" as a motivator), except I'm pretty sure that's why she got pregnant- she wanted love and attention. Well, she ended up getting it- from them and the extended family, just because she popped out a kid. I have a 13 month old now (her first is 6 years old currently), and the same thing happened, though at this point it doesn't mean anything.

I'm still working on my low self-esteem and codependency issues partially brought on by my family experiences, and it's getting better, but getting beyond the denial I was in for years is difficult. The way things were going then I was convinced I was the one with problems and was messed up, but nowadays (with the help of my wonderful and very intelligent husband), I'm realizing that *I* was the only sane one.

Thankfully I'm not even in the same country as my family right now so the distance is making it easier to work through it. Thanks for reading this!
MissVida MissVida
26-30, F
4 Responses Sep 22, 2011

I was a no one to my mom when I was a kid and I still think not much has changed.daddy stayed with my mom until I was out of the house then he left her. She didn't do drugs or drink when I was small but I would get the beatings when she got mad.I had her to hit me in my head over, & over when I was about 7 or 8 mad at my daddy for some reason I dont know.It was in my 30's I had to go and live with her about a year and it was the longest year I ever had.She has done so much toward me to hurt me now that I'm grown and I find it hard to forget about it.Now she is needing someone to be with her at all times because of her health and I cant do it because it pops in my head of how my life was.And I also know she can do alot for her self but she will not do it she is lazy.I have my family I cant take care of her.My sister has only herself and no place to live but she dont wont to move in with mom.And no it's not that old people are hard to please mom always been like that

My childhood: Passive aggressive mother who emotionally checked out plus angry father in a disastrous marriage.
Result: Basically raised myself like an invisible kid and stayed away from the house until 17, then announced I was moving out (no response) and finished high school on my own.
Made bad relationship choices that included domestic violence, then healed the relationship with my dad. After raising 3 kids and going through a second divorce, I learned that dear mother and her new, revolting hubby had opened their arms to my manipulative ex who was off his much-needed meds. He, in turn, convinced the family that I was the horrible person she always told everybody I was. All evidence was to the contrary, but it was what she wanted to believe. In my 40s, I made the choice to halt contact with my mother and one sibling, both of whom had been psychologically abusive to me my entire life and both of whom refused to stop.
Fallout: Of my 3 grown children, my two sons were drawn in to the drama despite my efforts to protect them. They don't speak to me or my daughter now. Today, after years of attempting to show my sons how much their sister and I love and adore them, my daughter and I have agreed to accept and move on. She and I are grateful for each other and for my dad. That is what's left of my "family".

wow, that is a lot to deal with. I can fully understand as my situation is eerily similar and there are many parallels. I have just recently estranged myself from my entire family. It wasn't an easy decision and is painful but I had to do it for my sanity and my husband and daughter's sanity. I am in my 30's and realize that they will never change and in a twisted way seem to enjoy the drama. You can find peace and comfort with your husband and child. I know I struggle to just try to forget about the past and my parents/brother and focus solely on my family but it is easier said than done.

Thats alot to put in such a small story , but ok to read. <br />
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Life is one highway of misery , but that is vital to enjoy the things that are good! and your fammily doesnt suck! you got a nice husband and a healthy kid , so thats a good fammily by the looks of it ;)<br />
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Cheers and thanks for sharing

Thank you, and of course the hubby and kid are great, it was the family I grew up with that sucked. Still does.