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Acceptance Just Makes It Worse

It's been a while since I posted anything.

A couple of months ago, the arguing with my mom sort of stopped. We were going in our everyday paterns but for some reason I did not understand, I didn't feel like making a big deal about everything she did to me. She keeps on humiliating me in front of everyone, she keeps telling lies about me to her sisters who actually believe her but I just could not care.

I have long struggled to find out why I didn't care. I didn't have any anwers, nothing went better and I still was and am the same person.

Then I finally found out one morning while taking the bus to work. I didn't care because this was it. This was the best it would ever become. I will never have a dad, a normal mom, a family that trusts me or protects me. It's just me.

Because of everything that had happened I was just a lonely guy with no real friends, no family, no idea of who I was, no idea of how to behave or become some person that is real. I literally had no purpose in life. I didn't know what to do.

I finally accepted that what has happened and what is happening is never going to change, that what is "normal" in life, in terms of friends and family, I will never have. It felt really heavy.

In one last argument with her, I accidentally shouted it out and her reaction was, and I quote, "though luck".

Before I accepted that nothing was going to get better, I at least had some sort of hope of having a better family and friends. I used to fantasize about it all the time, and now that won't even work.

I have a cousin who at least will listen to me. I told him about everything and even he said, I can't fix this, the situation will never change, she is an old woman who does not know how to change. He told me that he was not even going to try and to make things better for me, that I needed to change. He quickly added that there was nothing wrong with me but the only way to fix this is to deal with my own problems and accept what has happened and move on.

I then asked him: and then what? If I do that I will be lonelier than I already am. I don't know how to act or how to behave, after this I won't have any family. Everywhere I go there is someone with their family. The only person who is in this situation at all, is me. I don't know anyone else who share the same pain and loneliness. And he said I know but we can't change the past.

After all this I started thinking, they can't change the past but there were enough moments were they could have intervened. But they didn't. In the end I am the one who has to fix their mistake. I accepted this and I have no idea where to start or if I can even fix this. It is something that will stay with me my entire life. But not only mine. My kids will never have aunts or grandparents from my side. I can't tell them or my future husband anything about my past because of the shame. I want them to have a nice and happy life without ever knowing my true story.
inn3rshadow inn3rshadow 18-21, M Jul 5, 2012

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