Alone Even In A Crowded Room

it has taken me over 50 years to write about my life living in a family i always felt lost in.
Parts of my life i cant remember but the parts i do are dark and blue...
I feel as i have always lived a life behind the eight ball.... Trying to proof my value and self worth.
But even after great accomplishments the self doubt would find its way in.
I have a sister,brother and a mother but all those relationships are as fragile as broken glass
which i often felt like i was walking on if i did not adhere to what they needed me to be or do
those relationships would go into long periods of isolation..
No matter what i did in good moments of time it did not matter because if i stepped on that glass, the good deeds were forgotten as if i created them in my mind
I think that's what made me the most craziest, questioning myself
wondering if i am really nuts as they all said i was.
I write to let others know that sometimes you will never win that respect, love or unconditional love
and i would lie if i told you that it doesn't matter. Of course it does, because you are told that you need this love and if you dont get it, well then its your fault and somehow you are inferior.
I am finding my way... My path is one which is made without those branches bore from the same tree
it is my own.. I get sad at moments thinking what could of been- but i know deep inside
Nope, Not in this family those moments will never be because they are dreams of what i felt a family should be and one i chased for many years. Don't give up and Dont allow those people to gobble you up so you start to believe its true what they say about you. Because my fellow lost ones its not

violap violap
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

Thank you so much violap, this has really, really helped me.

Dear Pinkpolkadots - I am so happy my story has helped you - Stay strong and know that you are not crazy and you are not alone -You have such worth! It took me many years to figure that out if you can embrace that now at a young age and understand that you are a work in progress and have value you will find inner peace