Where Does One Begin?

 i guess at the beginning...

  my parents separated when i was 2 months old and then divorced when i was 2 years old.  my dad had visitation, but my mother controlled that and when she manipulated it so that my dad had to have supervised visitation, he stopped seeing me.  the relationship with my dad (when we have one, usually around the holidays) is very awkward.  so i was mainly raised by my mom's family.   my mom has ocd, and didn't get help for years when i was a child; i remember her losing her temper and beating the crap out of me.  there were times when i refused to wash my hands for the usual 10 or 15 minutes, so i was stuck sitting on the kitchen floor...a "dirty" child...some nights sleeping on that floor.  there were "dirty" places and things all over our apartment, which included all of my toys and even my bedroom at times.  going near them or touching them resulted in a hand-washing marathon.  i showered with her until i was 13.  she would go insane some days, not being able to handle life, and "take a drive," threatening to kill herself before she walked out the door and didn't return for hours.  she also had her own f-ed up version of christianity that makes me despise god to this day. i was an only child.  i am now 28.  i have taken care of my mom my whole life, which she believes is my duty anyway.   my mom's extended family, a.k.a. my grandparents, my aunts and uncle, my cousins, was just way too close.  maybe close families are great as long as there are mature adults involved.  there were always terrible arguments, one sister would side with one against the other two.  the next week it would change.  my grandmother would watch me during the day while my mom worked.  she would cry and ask me why was my mom doing this; she would call me if she knew i was home alone, crying about her screwed-up daughters, even though she was just as involved as any of them, taking sides and joining in the backstabbing.  she was a pro at subtle emotional abuse and taught her children well.   my grandfather just ignored it.  there was inappropriate "stuff" going on between him and i, i told my mother about it after a few years, but her response was to make me feel guilty, did i want COUNSELING?  so that everyone could know about my grandfather?  did i want to DISGRACE him?  we didn't talk about it after that.  my grandfather later passed away and has since reached sainthood (in my mother's eyes).      my cousins and i were always in a competition with each other (we can thank our parents) as to who was the worst kid.  we were more like siblings as much as we saw each other.  to this day it is still a competition, even though i won the worst kid award years ago, becoming a lesbian and then (when my girlfriend became a boyfriend) being with a transexual.  i also started realizing how abnormal our relationships were and became vocal about it, which ensured me said title.  i have added to the list, now by being single and (accidentally) pregnant.     there are never-ending "issues."  i won't go into them, there's just too much to explain, but the arguments and manipulation continue, between my mom and her siblings, and my cousins.  i want nothing to do with anyone, except one of my cousins, who thinks like i do and can't stand the drama.  my mom rarely ever leaves the house except for work.  her ocd is still pretty bad, but i don't sleep on the kitchen floor anymore  ;o)  she is just as manipulative and passive-agressive as the rest of them, but i have learned not to go along with it.  i am too brutally honest sometimes, i think.  part of it is because i am incredibly angry about the things that have happened.   so, i skipped a lot of stuff and this is still long.  there's just so much to explain.   there's my intro  :o)
iloveprozac iloveprozac
Feb 17, 2009