I'm Scared of My Mother
That sounds lame, maybe, but my mother can be scary. She has extreme mood swings, and even to this day I don't know how to deal with her. She will want to go out for mother daughter time, when maybe the night before she called me full of hate, anger, resentment, etc. I try so, so hard to deal.
I can't try anymore to be a good daughter, it comes back to haunt me because whatever I confide in my mother is brought against me in fights as harsh insults.. I can't have a reasonable discussion with her if we disagree, she gets worked up and angry and will accuse me of saying "hate filled things" and that I'm plotting against her.. Usually it's my dad starting fights now, because I just don't talk to my parents anymore. I say yes, no, and maybe, that's pretty much it. Last big fight, glasses were smashed, divorce was threatened, etc. And it's like that every time.. I used to be worse at dealing with it, basically unable to function because I'd be paralyzed with fear and anxiety that any minute, my mother would come upstairs and start getting angry at me.. She has only admitted once that our family was messed up, most of the time if I bring it up she denies it and calls me delusional..
This hasn't helped me be confident.. if I say there's a problem in the family, or if I argue against her, she will call me delusional, tell me to go talk to a psychiatrist and take pills, etc. It means that I don't know whether I imagine things or not, but other people believe in me and that's what keeps me going, because otherwise I wouldn't know how to do anything, which is sad in itself.
As a kid, she would tell me during family arguments that if she died, it would be my fault. It is so, so stressful as a kid actually believing that I'd be responsible for her death, and I've gotten yelled at for everything from interrupting her while she's on the computer to forgetting to take the newspaper off the couch... Last time I got into a major fight was because I told my mother passing by that I was going downstairs to get a box of shavers. She didn't hear me, and got extremely angry when I said "nevermind" and went to continue to get the shavers.. No matter what I said, she kept getting worse and insulted me, my intelligence, my ability to communicate, my boyfriend (during a break up), etc. I mean, is it just me, am I delusional like she says I am?
I don't know how families should be, everything else seems too good to be true. To this day though I can't take fighting, I freeze up and if it's too close to me I get a panic attack and/or hyperventilate. Even thinking about fights makes me dizzy.
There was this one time, at 13 years old or so, that my mother got really angry at around 10pm and left the house (she's a really bad driver) saying that she might get in a car crash and if so, it's my fault. My dad turned on me and blamed me too, and left the house to go find my mother.. I was left at home for an hour or more, with no news, just thinking over and over what could happen and telling myself it's my fault, it's MY fault that this happened. I almost did something rash then, instead I called a friend and cried, trying to explain that I was alone, scared, and I didn't want to live anymore because it's my fault if something happens to my mother.
The conclusion? Wait for it. She comes back with coffee and donuts in a happy, bright mood, and expects us to sit at the table and eat said donuts. What? Exactly. This kind of **** made me wonder whether I was sane or not. How does that happen?
My doctor, my friends, my other relatives all tell me that my mother is probably bipolar, but she refuses to even get a checkup, it's been over 10 years since she has. She calls her mood swings part of who she is, and though I see her point it is affecting my dad and I badly, and she doesn't do anything about it.
Also, I keep worrying about my dad, because she will wear him down insulting his intelligence (he has a Ph.D in engineering!), his maturity.. He gets depressed, and used to say stuff like "I'm worth more dead than alive".. He got drunk a week ago, really drunk, with me alone in the house.. I hid in my room, because I didn't know what he'd do drunk, he never gets drunk.. My mother got home after running away again (taking the car after a fight and saying she's leaving) and just laughed at him.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it's nice to get it out.