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I'm Scared of My Mother

That sounds lame, maybe, but my mother can be scary. She has extreme mood swings, and even to this day I don't know how to deal with her. She will want to go out for mother daughter time, when maybe the night before she called me full of hate, anger, resentment, etc. I try so, so hard to deal.

I can't try anymore to be a good daughter, it comes back to haunt me because whatever I confide in my mother is brought against me in fights as harsh insults.. I can't have a reasonable discussion with her if we disagree, she gets worked up and angry and will accuse me of saying "hate filled things" and that I'm plotting against her.. Usually it's my dad starting fights now, because I just don't talk to my parents anymore. I say yes, no, and maybe, that's pretty much it. Last big fight, glasses were smashed, divorce was threatened, etc. And it's like that every time.. I used to be worse at dealing with it, basically unable to function because I'd be paralyzed with fear and anxiety that any minute, my mother would come upstairs and start getting angry at me.. She has only admitted once that our family was messed up, most of the time if I bring it up she denies it and calls me delusional..

This hasn't helped me be confident.. if I say there's a problem in the family, or if I argue against her, she will call me delusional, tell me to go talk to a psychiatrist and take pills, etc. It means that I don't know whether I imagine things or not, but other people believe in me and that's what keeps me going, because otherwise I wouldn't know how to do anything, which is sad in itself. 

As a kid, she would tell me during family arguments that if she died, it would be my fault. It is so, so stressful as a kid actually believing that I'd be responsible for her death, and I've gotten yelled at for everything from interrupting her while she's on the computer to forgetting to take the newspaper off the couch... Last time I got into a major fight was because I told my mother passing by that I was going downstairs to get a box of shavers. She didn't hear me, and got extremely angry when I said "nevermind" and went to continue to get the shavers.. No matter what I said, she kept getting worse and insulted me, my intelligence, my ability to communicate, my boyfriend (during a break up), etc. I mean, is it just me, am I delusional like she says I am?

I don't know how families should be, everything else seems too good to be true. To this day though I can't take fighting, I freeze up and if it's too close to me I get a panic attack and/or hyperventilate. Even thinking about fights makes me dizzy.

There was this one time, at 13 years old or so, that my mother got really angry at around 10pm and left the house (she's a really bad driver) saying that she might get in a car crash and if so, it's my fault. My dad turned on me and blamed me too, and left the house to go find my mother.. I was left at home for an hour or more, with no news, just thinking over and over what could happen and telling myself it's my fault, it's MY fault that this happened. I almost did something rash then, instead I called a friend and cried, trying to explain that I was alone, scared, and I didn't want to live anymore because it's my fault if something happens to my mother.

The conclusion? Wait for it. She comes back with coffee and donuts in a happy, bright mood, and expects us to sit at the table and eat said donuts. What? Exactly. This kind of **** made me wonder whether I was sane or not. How does that happen?

My doctor, my friends, my other relatives all tell me that my mother is probably bipolar, but she refuses to even get a checkup, it's been over 10 years since she has. She calls her mood swings part of who she is, and though I see her point it is affecting my dad and I badly, and she doesn't do anything about it.

Also, I keep worrying about my dad, because she will wear him down insulting his intelligence (he has a Ph.D in engineering!), his maturity.. He gets depressed, and used to say stuff like "I'm worth more dead than alive".. He got drunk a week ago, really drunk, with me alone in the house.. I hid in my room, because I didn't know what he'd do drunk, he never gets drunk.. My mother got home after running away again (taking the car after a fight and saying she's leaving) and just laughed at him.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but it's nice to get it out.
 

deleted deleted 26-30 18 Responses Jul 19, 2009

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My mom is bipolar and when she's isn't on the right meds she can be a huge handful. I started seeing a therapist recently and he assumes that she probably isn't just bipolar but also narcissistic. In my research I also agree. The bipolar is always regulated with her meds. Being mean and nasty is not necessarily the bipolar disorder. It's another personality disorder. It's sad and scary. It's a complete mental and emotional rollercoaster that I have to deal with everyday until I move out. One thing my therapist told me was to have no contact with her for awhile when I move. And for my well being I probably won't. At least until she is ready to go to family therapy with me. She's not willing to now but I'm not willing to let someone like her hurt me anymore. Not only that but she belittles my daughter and makes her feel bad too. That I can't stand and everything time I step in and tell her to leave her alone. One she's sleeping I go try to talk to my mom calmly but the calmness never works. She can't see what she does. She barely remembers what she says when she is being nasty. But she refuses to try to see a therapist. I'm at my wits end.

Almost the same thing, except I think that both of my parents are bi-polar, especially is my dad, selfish ******* alcoholic, hate him! Sometimes I want to beat him up. Retard is a lazy **** brought so much negativity in my life I grow antisocial and hate myself. There is nothing you could possibly do except growing up, getting job and become independent.

Hey i just came online looking for the same thing. I'm 32 and because of my own reasons I am living and helping her as much as possible. But the same thing happens with her. I find she cant deal with herself so she projects it onto others. In reality she is sick and in denial so she wont find help. In any circumstance I am still scared of her,I dont know how always to respond and she is so random that its not worth even trying to decipher, She is the ONLY person in my life with whom I feel this way and it makes me feel weak. I hate it. But thank you for sharing this it helped not feel like the only one and in my experience I have tried to just work on myself,try not to figure her out(cuz you cant),and find the good things in her and not dwell on the bad. I just thought of her as a wildfire yesterday,you know. Analogies help,too. Just dont try and fix it. Love and much respect,I hope for you and your father. Be well..

I know how you feel. I hope your doing better with your mom now. Good luck. :)

Wow! You and I have a very similiar mother.. I found your post when searching on Google. My mother has been diagnosed with bi-polar when she was in rehab for crack addiction. Now she is heavily addicted to painkillers, which are perscribed to her.. I am truely and whole heartedly scared of my mother. Please message me.

Your mom sounds exactly like mine, I have two sisters and she would physically abuse us when we were younger but now she just uses words (insults). I'am a sensitive person so I always take things personally and it tears me, my sisters, and my father down. I try not to disagree with her but my father is only one who's brave enough to speak his own opinion, thus causing many fights.What you have explained is absolutely true; she will be hysterically laughing in the car on the way home and the next thing you know she will be mad and furious blaming everyone for absolutely nothing... Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel like we are not the only ones living with bipolar moms..

Your mom sounds exactly like mine, I have two sisters and she would physically abuse us when we were younger but now she just uses words (insults). I'am a sensitive person so I always take things personally and it tears me, my sisters, and my father down. I try not to disagree with her but my father is only one who's brave enough to speak his own opinion, thus causing many fights.What you have explained is absolutely true; she will be hysterically laughing in the car on the way home and the next thing you know she will be mad and furious blaming everyone for absolutely nothing... Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel like we are not the only ones living with bipolar moms..

You posted this two yrs. ago, and I can only hope for you that you have move closer to an answer. it must be an answer that works for you and no one else, and is ba<x>se in reality and not in how you wish things could be. My answer came after many years of therapy and struggle to find a way to make things "ok" so that I could be at peace and find happiness without making any difficult choices. That of course was not possible, and eventually I made the choices I think I had known for a very long time I would have to make.......with no love or support and understanding, which of course made the decision much more difficult. I must say, it has been yrs now, and my parents are deceased, and I am estranged from my family. That is always a sad thing, and I will always wish things could have been different for all of us, but they were not, and I needed to deal with my life realistically, even if that also caused me pain. I do not regret my choices, only sadness that I ever had to make them at all. Not all of us are blessed with stable , healthy parents or family members. Those that are, are so very fortunate ! ! My very best to you, and the courage to do what is also best for your life...Bonnie

Bonnie,
I could really use your help and guidance. I am going thru the same thing as you did, estranged from parents (because of my mother), my father I now realise is weak and goes along with whatever she says, she has destroyed my relationship with my siblings as if she feels you are against her, she will stop at nothing to ensure you pay for that. I so want to be strong and I relaise that I need to be. I feel that my mother is a sociopath, not just bi-polar. I have been reading up on sociopaths and it is amazing how many are out there living around and with us and they can range in extremes from a-z.... (z being the most dangerous types) but they all have three things in common 1. The only person they actually feel anything for is themselves (they mask emotions for others as they realise that they need to, to get by) 2. They will say, manipulate, lie, steal and generally do anything to get their own way 3. They will never change, as they do not perceive they have a problem at all.
I would like to talk to you Bonnie, I have some questions to ask and would prefer to ask you if it is ok first.
Please reply......

Listen too me... I know your story all too well. My mother was the same, the physical abuse was not as bas as the emotional. You can beat this. The easy part is realizing you need to get away from this unstable environment. The hard part is believing that you are strong enough to stand on your own. What she's said to you is wrong, you are a strong, independent, wonderful women who can make extraordinary things happen on Her own. Believe In Yourself always! <br />
I've successfully gotten away, I want to give hope to everyone else out there, that you can get away from your abuser.<br />
I still have unsettling dreams, but I know when I wake up next to my loving husband I'm safe. And I can always talk to him. I think the biggest hope is knowing that when we conceive, my child will know more love than both our life times. Stay STRONG. You are incredible, and you can make miracles happen. know, you deserve unconditional love always, and that miracles happen everyday in the most unexplainable places!

I know exactly how you feel my mother is a genius at putting on disguises for other people so when I use to tell them she was crazy she would flip the situation and blame it all on me. Don't feel bad about not liking your mother because I don't love my mother either. I like her but honestly I don't love her. My mother used to beat me unmercifully and since my biological dad walked out on me before I was even born I always felt isolated and alone and I use to hate and blame myself for what happened. But just know this type of behavior is sick and unacceptable and it doesn't matter if she is your mother do not tolerate it, you are your number one priority now. WHEWWWW that felt GREAT!

My mum is sort of similar one day she stops and starts the car locks it with me and her in it and the next day she would be completley grand normal.

Living with a bipolar parent can be very difficult, especially if they are not taking medication or seeking counseling. My dad is bipolar and it led him to horrible things such as drinking. Unfortunately, bipolar people are not likely to seek help until they hit rock bottom or close to rock bottom. The best thing to do is to pray that your mother will agree to seek help and to be caring to your dad in order to counteract your mom's behavior. Another thing that I highly recommend is counseling. It really helped me get my emotions off my chest and learned how to deal with my problems better.

Hi friend, upon reading this I thought my younger sister was writing it. Our mother is seemingly identical to what you've described. I've severed ties with my mother over her mentally abusive behavior. (It IS abuse!) I can say that although it's made my life a lot more manageable, she never goes away. If you're thinking about moving out when you're old enough and just never talking to her again, there are some things you should know first. <br />
1. You leaving will not make her change. She won't "snap out of it", she'll say all kinds of things to make you stay, but won't mean, or really be able to follow through with any of it.<br />
2. She'll never be gone. On holidays and birthdays, graduations, weddings, and other family events, there will be a noticeable absence. People will ask about her, you'll wonder, and you won't have any answers. Just the thought of her will pop up and wreck your day if you're not vigilant.<br />
3. It's not the easy way out. Cutting someone you love (despite being insane, or abusive or downright mean and manipulative) out of your life takes a lot of work, sadly. You can love her, miss her, think about her, but if you're committed to making your life less erratic, you can work on it. Her moods can't be the thermometer for your mood. If she's stressed and having a bad, day, she'll bring you down with her. If she's happy wiith donuts and coffee, she expects you to be too. It's work sticking to your guns and being true to yourself.<br />
<br />
I told my sister I would never ever tell her to do what I did, I can't. No one can advise you to end it with your mom, only you can. It's important to know, though, it's not going to "cure" anything, it's not going to "fix" your relationship, it's just ending the game of back and forth and up and down. I tell myself that the woman who raised me isn't the woman walking around today, it's her corpse. The woman who raised me isn't ever coming back, she's gone. It's very sad, it's very hard, but it's what I have to do to have some consistency and balance in my life. Best of luck to you.

sever ties you don't need toxic people in your life even if they are family. i understand my mom goes back and forth like that too. the other day she threatened to call the cops on me and today she fixed me a nice meal and baked me a cake. she's insane. what you have to do is don't let anything she says or does make you start screaming or crying. keep in control of yourself. keep telling her that what she is saying or doing is hurtful to you and that what she is saying or doing is not rational. tell her she must be feeling pretty bad about herself to say such mean things. say stuff like that. get away from her if she starts getting to the point that you feel she may harm you. most of the time what she threatens will never happen but if she does get crazy enough to call the cops or something then just maintain your calm composure. let her look like the bad guy cause she is! hope this helps.

I guess once you're old enough to move out and start a life of your own things might become a little better. I'd stay away from her as much as possible but approach her when she's feeling happy. Try to spend quallity time with her. And then once she feels comfortable, discuss any questions you have with her then.<br />
<br />
I'll be praying for you.

she sounds like she needs alot of help. hey, you need some help, too. you deserve to talk with someone... and be reminded that nothing mother does is Your Fault. she is an adult and can make her own decisions. bipolar or not. Have you tried talking with a school counselor? if you are still in school, that is where i would start. they may be able to help you feel better about your situation. please, don't turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with this. I know you did not mention that you wanted to, but it is what i did to deal with dysfunction in my family as a teen, and i became an alcoholic drug addict teen. my prayers are for your peace.

she sounds like she needs alot of help. hey, you need some help, too. you deserve to talk with someone... and be reminded that nothing mother does is Your Fault. she is an adult and can make her own decisions. bipolar or not. Have you tried talking with a school counselor? if you are still in school, that is where i would start. they may be able to help you feel better about your situation. please, don't turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with this. I know you did not mention that you wanted to, but it is what i did to deal with dysfunction in my family as a teen, and i became an alcoholic drug addict teen. my prayers are for your peace.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, except worse. Just remember that, hard as it is to accept, there is little you can do about it. Impossible as it may seem, try not to take things personally with your mother; just roll with the punches. She's a Jekyll and Hyde; enjoy the days with Jekyll, and do your best to ignore the days of Hyde. Don't sweat the details; you don't get to make the rules, so there's no sense in worrying about them.