On a Positive Note : Dysfunctional Families Can Be Counted On
My dysfunctional family can be counted on. They get a gold star for this, in fact, because you can always count on them:
To take the other person's word, even if this person is the queen or king of toxicity.
To treat you in the same manner as your toxic parent did, thus dooming you to remain in this toxic family role position around them; because it is easier than learning who you really are.
To help you realize they don't really care who you are; it's about them. So get with it already,lol.
To abandon you, or question your judgment when you need a little emotional support.
To tell lies, and hurt you emotionally if they can.
To demand your attendance at family events, despite repeated embarrassment at their hands in the past.
Expecting you to ignore it all, and make them feel successful by attending their events.
I say " The more you let it bother you, the more power you give them." But honestly, it does still hurt, and makes me question my worth on days when I'm tired. I refuse to change who I am, and will always care about my family. But in order to stop the cycle, I have to show my children that I care about myself as well. This has proven a difficult task.
I've cared for a bipolar man for 20 years. We've been married 17 .. really 18 but we've been separated since April of 08. I couldn't take the constant tearing down of my self esteem. Not really for myself, but I couldn't take my daughter seeing it. I didn't want her to feel this treatment was ok.
When he knew I'd had enough, he drained all $$ out of our accounts, stole our collections, coins and ransacked my home. He had forgotten how little material things mattered to me. When this didn't break me he kept our son, and told him I'd abandoned him. My son has Aspergers, and has difficulty understanding emotions. This caused us both a lot of pain.
My mother lost her mind after my father passed away, shortly before my marriage. She ended up dragging my three younger siblings through some horrible situations involving guns, drugs and neglect. My husband saw this all happen. My husband used this information against me by causing my siblings to relive this horrible period of time; telling them the same things my mother had done to them, I was now doing to my kids. This caused my entire support system to crumble; and as toxic families will do, they throw you to the wolves. You may survive, but not without being chewed up a bit in the process.
My family was so willing to believe him, even though they've used the fact that I wouldn't leave him against me for years. My sisters and mother "divulged" anything and everything they thought I "might" have done, made up lies .. and then tried to talk me into letting them raise my daughter. My mother even wrote a glowing letter about my husband, to the divorce court, saying he would be the better parent.
It was difficult to maintain a clear view of what I was doing, why I was doing it, and to remember that my goals were not only right, but necessary to achieve. At this time I am attending college, and maintaining a 4.0 gpa. I have caring friends. My daughter is doing awesome, and has blossomed. I have survived an amazing loss, and do not feel permanently broken from it. My trust is a bit bruised. I do at times want to simply run away and start over, never to deal with them again.
But instead, I simply need to accept that my siblings will never see me for who I am. The difficult things I've survived will never be acknowledged by them, so I persevere for my kids and I. My accomplishments in life will never change their attitudes about me. So I will continue living life for my kids and self.
Ok, I shared. I am here because recently I realized I need to permanently remove some of these people from my life. I am here to see how others have accomplished this, and to learn from other's stories. Thanks.