Dysfunctional- Yet Efficient

Somehow we all do well at work, but all suffer in our relationships.  My Mom came out when I was 12 and divorced my Dad (she didn't tell him for years, though.) I just recently found out that she always knew she was gay. So why have a family! I feel like she set me up for failure.  She is such a high-horse person, but doesn't see the irony in lying about her existence to the point of creating life based on a flasehood. She is also very critical. My Dad is a quiet engineer who remarried 10 days after the divorce was final.  My step mother is ignorant, racist, and cruel.  Dad never stood up for me. My one, older brother tried to help but he went to college during the thick of it.  Dad never wants to revisit the past.  Mom thinks she can 'make it up to me' for the years I was 12 - 18 when she left me home alone nightly, with little food, while she was out living her new gay life.  I started drinking and smoking pot.  I partied hard for 10 years, during which time I married an emotionally abusive man.  I have been clean and sober for 18 years.  We were married for 10 years but divorced soon after our son was born- I suddenly saw that I couldn't allow him to treat a child that way.  He is borderline personality disorder (look it up)- I go crazy questioning myself all the time.  Our son has adhd and emotional problems.  Dad thinks I'm just too soft on him.  My son is sensitive and perceptive beyond his years.  He is my only reason for even trying to stay in the game right now, and yet he is so hard to handle that I do need time off when he's with his Dad, which makes me feel guilty.  All in all, I winder why no one has ever really seemed to love me.  I wish just one person loved me by choice, not because they 'had' to.  I guess that's how God must feel, too.  Forcing relationships is no good.  I sure wish someone was here with me now.
eclipsed eclipsed
41-45, F
2 Responses Nov 10, 2007

you're not doing so badly-- you're sober, you're a good mother, you left a man who wasn't good for you, and you're trying! don't be so hard on yourself; you'll make it.

That was quite the tragic tale you told. I know in my life my parents weren't the best, But one thing i learned is that my mom and dad had a tough life growing up as well. My dad used to leave me in a car for 4 hours at a time while he sat in a bar and drank. I saw my mom be abused when i was three yrs old. Growing up my family was always in conflict with eachother it's a wonder we call ourselves family. So u see we all have our issues and regrets in life, but the bitterness just eats you up inside it's not worth risking your health