My Daddy Issues

I have grown up with multiple father figures and around dysfunctional relationships.  This has left me with a skewed view of relationships and with a pretty tough exterior.

So here is my story…….

My parents divorced when I was a baby, I have no memory of them living together so I don’t miss what I never knew.  My biological father has always remained in contact but I never felt loved by him, he was like a distant uncle who dragged me away every other weekend or so.  My earliest memories of him coming to pick me involve me kicking and screaming and protesting about not wanting to go.  I used to hate going, a deep feeling a dread used to develop days before I was due to visit him and when I was visiting I would count the minutes until I could go home.  I would cry and cry begging my mum to cancel the visits, sometimes she would and very often I put up such a stand that he would drive away and leave me behind.  I still feel angry now that my feelings were ignored, I felt so strongly about not wanting to go but no one listened, there was no compromise.  I had to go and that was it!  It was wrong in every way!  Every time I used to go there I used to get a cold but as soon as a got home again I was well.  I don’t understand why no one listened to me, why no one wanted to know why I hated going there so much?  And most of all I don’t know why I hated it so much, he never did anything to harm me.  

My next father figure was my mums next husband who she had more children with (my half siblings).  For a while we were one happy family, apart from being dragged away by my biological father.  My step father was to me my ‘dad’, I didn’t feel like he treated me any differently because I wasn’t his.  When I was about 10, they got divorced and we moved out and to a new city.  For a while I used to visit my step dad with my half siblings, but then he started to treat me differently because I wasn’t his, could my real dad pay for that holiday, did I have to come during the summer holidays because he had his hands full enough.  He remarried and it only got worse.  I had lost my only true father figure.  I couldn’t handle the pain so I just cut it out, I stopped going to see him (much to my mums delight).  I got on with my teenage life having little or no contact with my step father and rarely visiting my biological father.  There were a number of partners that my mum had, I didn’t like any of them, none of them lasted.  Everything was very screwed up.

Now I’m 24,  I see my biological father about once a year, it’s a cold affair and I see my step father now and then, we have attempted to build bridges but all he ever does is slag my mum off and try to get me on side and I can’t handle this.

Now I’m left questioning how all this affects me now.  I seem to have built a wall of protection around, which was very useful coping with my chaotic childhood, but I don’t always want to have a hard shell I want to show my vulnerable side and I want to have romance in my life.  I have never been in a real relationship and I know that I am only 24 but I worry that I will never be able to commit to a relationship, never be able to let my guard down enough to have a relationship.  I want to love and be loved!  I do not want to recreate my dysfunctional childhood.

eelarc eelarc
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

I agree so much with you, especially your parting thoughts. Mine wasn't quite as bad, my parents separated when I was 15 or so but they had been fighting for so long before that it's hard for me to remember a happy family. I think I kind of hold the struggles afterward against my Dad because my mom used to be a stay at home mom and when he left he left us with nothing. Our home was taken away and we've had to rely on financial aid to get by. But I don't feel any particular desire for either my parents to get back together or to start dating again. I think I just feel bitter that they got married which I attributed (unfairly) to my mom making the wrong decision. She says he's changed since they got married. I blame her for a lot of things too but here's not the place to say them. I guess what I'm getting at is I can see how your past would affect your present and I wonder how much my past is affecting me.