The Reckoning

It all started at age 4 in front of a fireplace at my fathers apartment only moments away from my mothers. Laying under the covers whatching me stare into the flames with his eyes; those of a currupt man. Being so young I did not find much enjoyment from this; I went to my father pulled down the covers to behold something so perverse I didn't want to believe it. The words he muttered were forever engraved in my head "touch it, it won't bite". Immediatley I asked to go home. Being fearful of my mother I decided to tell my aunt what happened. This situation passed with the harmful reminders every time my mother or family members mentioned that name I dredded so much. I always felt the guilt that came with the dismissal of my father with his son. This guilt would turn into a plague of sickness I would endur for years to come. My brother soon followed in his fathers foot steps. I have put the few uncomforteble times behind me, when my brother felt the need to touch me as a young teenager. I forgave and for the most part put those situations so far in the back of my head that they might as well be forgotten. The mental abuse continued though the physical was short lived. Any time my brother and I hung out he would say how ugly I was and how I'm just like my mother whom is infintile minded. The ironic part of those insults was that I was considered the beauty and my brother the brains. With the blame and jealousy tempers always flaird. Conversations consisted of "I ******* hate you. I hope you die, your ******* fat and ugly, your a ******* ****", and so forth. These words would be exchanged by both parties. It obviously hurts me to find myself speaking in such a disgusting way. Never the less I kept in contact. As far as my mother is concerned she is just simply to stupid to make any decisions that would benifit me during all of this. I felt like I was the mother the majority of the time. I spent my childhood meeting people off line, doing drugs and going to parties. Those years started  generally young for me at 12 years old. It was better to feel like I mattered in the arms of a stranger as false as it may have been then to stay at home. Eventually this phase of self destruction stopped when a very special man entered my life at 16 years of age. The relationship though short lived tought my self respect. I have worked very hard to try to find some peace of mind even though I feel like a lost soul drifting with the wind in no particular dirrection. I found myself marrying someone at age 18 just to leave my mother; I had originally left the house at age 17 and found myself back there. The marriage was fake and helped both my husband and I for the most part. Now at age 22 my brother age 28 has married a forign wife and produced a child whom is my nephew. It has been 3 years sense i seen my brother and had not met his wife or child. I visited the family in California just to be disgusted with the outcome. My brother is a verbally and physically abusive husband and a pathetic excuse for a human being. He is a souless bastard. The reckoning from this situation will allow me to move on. All these years of physical and mental abuse are finally going to be over. What I've realized is no one owes anyone anything nor does anyone need to feel obligated to make something work that just cannot be fixed. I am alone in this world because of the things the people around me have done but I will be damned if I fail because of it. I am only stronger and more caring if anything. 
Survivor87 Survivor87
22-25, F
Feb 27, 2010