I'm Just Tired

2008 was the year my soon to be ex-husband admitted his addiction to painkillers. Since then, he has lost his job, we are losing our home, he has been in rehab once for a month, and twice in outpatient services with a DUI that made him lose his job... We have separated..he still has not changed. The lies, he is completely unreliable, no job..lives with his parents at 34. His bills are paid and I am left with the home we love so much (I grew up here) and worked so hard to purchase back in 2004. I have the kids with me and want full custody. He gives me no child support, it is just a really, really bad situation.

All I do is fight with my in-laws trying to get them to give him a good kick in his rear. They find fault in me, trying to put the blame that somehow their sweet little innocent boy must have had such a miserable life that he needed to take drugs to find peace. We had a wonderful, all American Dream life! Good job, 2 kids, nice home, laughter and love. I guess that just was not enough.

I look back at how all this began and it makes me feel sick..all the nights I spent wondering where he was, what he was doing, who he was with while his family was at home..why did he not want to be with us?? Why did he use our mortgage money and food money to buy painkillers??? Why did he chose that over us?

May of 2011 I kicked him out for good. His lies were too much to handle. His split personality and selfishness (I'm sick, so I have an excuse to be an *** to all of you) attitude was all too much. I kicked him out by simply putting the rest of his clothes on our front porch and a note that said Goodbye. June 26th 2011, I pulled up in my driveway to 5 State Police Officers and their lights flashing..I had my kids in the car. I thought he was dead in the unknown vehicle that was parked in my driveway..a heavy, sick feeling came over me...I paused for a moment thinking, "No way this could be happening in my driveway, in my nice little subdivision, on a beautiful summer night after shopping with my daughter for her Birthday decorations at Walmart. When I approached the police car, I saw HIM sitting in the back seat handcuffed. He looked at me with a "What the hell are you looking at me for, look". He was followed on the highway by a annoymous driver who notified State police that he looked like he was driving drunk. They followed him to MY home...where he decided to end his journey, in MY driveway...and he was on oxycotin. He was also in a friends car that had a suspneded license plate and empty bottles of drugs in the car.

Off to rehab he goes for 28 days.... 2 days before his daughter's 8th Birthday. The night he was hauled away, I laid next to her in her bed, not knowing what to say to her. My Son just went to sleep, not wanting to talk anout anything.

It has been almost a year later and he had relapsed once (maybe more who knows) but they put him in an outpatient trial.. They tell me nothing else. I see him every so often now at family events and so he can stop and see the kids for a few hours. I hate every moment of it. I want to move far far away and start my life over. I have a hard time looking at him. When I look at him, I see flashbacks of the life we had, the life he destroyed for us. The money he stole, the times he let my kids and I down.. I see him smiling away because his bills are paid and he has a roof over his head. He has food, shelter, and a paid for vehicle, a full tank of gas everyday...and No job. His parents take care of that for him.

Here we are, I am now a Single Mom, trying to pick up where he left us...the life we built together is now my responsibility and it is expensive. Too expensive for just me, so we are losing this home and we lost my mini van because he would take the payments (my money) and buy 100 pills at 5.00 each from some "nice family guy" trying to make a living as he claims. I know we will somehow pull through this, as I will NOT fail my children. I will PROVIDE for them, and LOVE them, and raise them the way they should be raised. I will just always carry with me, his drug habit and someday I will have to explain the real truth of why are lives crumbled for a bit and why we left Daddy behind.

I just hope it is not because he is dead. Because with having an addict in your life, every delayed phone call, every phone call for the matter, can be a devestating one. I hope he turns his life around. I really hope he does. I pray for him everyday...and I pray for us. But I am tired. I know this journey is not over yet.  I did however, file for a legal separation to get things started 2 weeks ago. I hope when we go to court they can help me and I can finally get the child support needed.  He seems to think everyone is on his side because he has an "illness".  

I will keep you all updated!

wontdestroyme wontdestroyme
31-35, F
May 13, 2012