Where Do I Go

Where do I go from here?
It's almost been a year
Since my brother's diagnosis
I can't deal
I walk on eggshells
Everyday
Expecting the worse
Because the worse is what keeps coming

I want to be there for him
I desperately try
I get a rage when I'm out in public
And see the looks
But lately,
I've been the one giving him the looks

And I hate that I can't stand him
He does nothing for himself
Just sits and stares
Talks 1000000000 miles per minute
About nonsense
It's like everything we had a year ago,
Is no longer there
He was my best friend
The only one I could turn to
And now he"s no longer there
And the memories are erased too.

Anyone else feel this way?
How do I deal?
What the **** do I do when everything's just wrong?
HazyyMermaid HazyyMermaid
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 15, 2013

I dont know how to deal either. I feel like my sister is gone and I have lost her forever. I have inundated myself with research and statistics on whether she will get better. I keep saying to myself "I cant control this so I cant let it affect me". Working out hard to get the emotion out helps. I thought it would help to talk about it to see how ohers deal with it would help. But it isnt. I feel worse when I am thinking about all I have lost. I thought I was strong - but this is not being strong! This is me breaking down! Perhaps its my sister that is strong who has no feeling.

Okay let me start off by saying I don't intend to sound like I am attacking you...
But as a Schizophrenic myself let me tell ya there is a lot going on in our heads, more than the average person has to deal with in a week or month let alone every single day. I don't know the details of your brothers case but he is probably hearing multiple voices and hallucinating AT LEAST. Add that on top of every other thing that is going on in the world you see (the "real" world)... that is a lot for one person to handle.
What he says and does makes sense to him because he sees and hears what he is talking to and interacting with. Schizophrenia is a life altering illness- which you are seeing- and I can only imagine how hard it is for you and your family (I wonder how my family deals with it as well), but I do have an idea how hard it is for him... this is when he needs you the most. It isn't fair he has this, it isn't fair that you and your family have to go through it either, but you have to, and the best way to get through it is stick together.

It can be a long journey but it will get better, keep believing it will. I know someone who was incredibly disabled by his schizophrenia but he worked through it and now he is living a rather "normal" life and actually a counselor in the mental health field.

Your brother is still in there, you are right he has changed, but it doesn't have to be for the worst... and you can help him with that.

I hope none of this sounded to harsh, that wasn't my intent.
Feel free if you ever need/want to talk