Who To Talk To...

My father was diagnosed in 2008 with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer with Metastasis to the bone. One day we're telling him to go to the doctor because he's had a long running cold and BAM! you have cancer. We have been through the Clinical Trial for hormone therapy, and that reduced the cancer and his PSA levels plummeted from 648 down to 0.007. A miracle, so we thought. During the course of treatment my family lost their home and were forced to move and hour and a half away from the nearest VA hospital where my father was receiving treatment. Which made appts harder to get to, but they stuck it out. Late 2011 he had his 3rd bone scan. The cancer had come back and was now attacking his ribcage and spine. The pain is tremendous, but he's toughing it out. For the past 3 months we have been "watchful waiting", but this week is decision week. I have put together a fundraiser to help pay for the treatment costs. We are going with radiation as the first line of defense. My dad seems hopeful, he is just very worried about costs, and making my mother adn even more unstable mess than she already is. With the benefit coming up i have been so engulfed in any and everything dealing with cancer, and i feel like i havent been able to breath or think or feel how i should about the major life change that is about to take place. Radiation is dangerous, Chemo is dangerous and i terrified. I had a melt down today because my folks dont want me to go to my dads appt this week. I feel hurt, left out and very upset. I feel like i SHOULD be there. I need to know whats going to happen. I called my room mate who has been in my life since 2009 so knows how i feel and deal with things. She told me i shouldnt feel entitled, and it's my parents choice and their life and i have to abide by what they say and want. But isnt this my life too? I just feel very alone, i dont know anyone who is going thru or has gone thru this process. I dont know how to feel, or if what im feeling is normal....im just very very overwhelmed, and dont know how to express it.I'm just so mad. i hate that he's sick, and in pain. i hate that my mom cries every single day wondering how much longer he's going to be here. Hopefully someone on this site can relate or at least say something more comforting than "you're their child" "deal with what they want"....

Thank you for reading this gibberish..
sammhickk sammhickk
1 Response May 18, 2012

Hi Samm, know you aren't the only one feeling this. My dad has prostate cancer that metastasized to his lung. And it's been a rough time for me too. My dad is extremely important in my life and the thought of him not getting better scares me immensely. I think what you're feeling is normal. I'm feeling it too, so that makes two of us at least.

Maybe your parents don't want you at that appointment because they want their own time to deal with the news. My parents go to the appointments and if it's bad news, my mom is the one to call me. I hate that she's the one to tell me and not him, but I think it's too difficult for him. He is trying to deal with his prognosis and it might be too hard for him to share at that time.

Cancer is awful and if this is how he wants to deal with it, i'll try and follow along. I just want him to know i love him and will be there for him always.

I'm not sure if this helped any. I just want you to know you aren't alone in this and dealing with your dad having cancer is hard and definitely not easy.