I Can't Be Intimate With Anybody (fear Of Kissing/sex)

I am 19 year old girl, who has difficulty engaging in relationships. I just HATE kissing, it is too disgusting for me. Literally even after two days I still feel foul smell in my mouth, and his ******* saliva. And on top of all I feel nothing towards anyone, even If I liked the guy before we met on a date.
I have difficulty with maintaining that "up" feeling (butterflies) and feel crappy afterwards. Like I'm on this constant pressure, I need to behave like that, do that, he expects me to kiss him, hug him.... I can't, I don't want to. I want to run away. I feel sick to my stomach just for touching me. I can sit still for hours if it means he won't be close to me.
The weirdest **** is days after we met, all I could think about was him, and felt butterflies when thinking about him and was in this elevated state where I could do anything. The only fear was THIS HAPPENING AGAIN. I have no reason to live anymore, I feel nothing, completely empty and depleted. I slept trough these past few days, just so I don't think of guilt I am feeling for behaving this way, and for lying to his face about liking him. But I thought it was real, that what I felt was real.
I REALLY envy people who can touch, hug, kiss other people freely, without feeling GUILT or SHAME for doing so. How do they do that? Am I condemned to a life without what they call Love or pleasures that come from it? ******* hate being so numb, empty, depleted, feeling nothing.

Ankhou Ankhou
Dec 14, 2012