I Have a Fetish
Let me start by saying, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess for the past 6 months or so I've been trying very hard to figure some things out about myself, my marriage and why things are the way they are.
And wow, a lot has happened indeed! For the past week or so I feel like things are finally looking up. I feel happier and more fulfilled than I have been in a while. But I can't ignore some blatant truths about myself.
I do have a fetish, I didn't used to think so earlier but I guess I was in denial. I am attracted to bigger men (I somehow flinch at the idea of saying "fat", because people tend to use the word so negatively, but I suppose it's a more accurate description of my preferences). You could argue that this in itself isn't really a fetish, more like having a certain "type" when it comes to relationships. I used to think the same, but now I'm not so sure.
I'm also a feeder, as in I enjoy watching / encouraging a guy to overeat and gain weight.
This isn't something I was always aware of, even though certainly there were signs of it while growing up. In fact, when I got married at 21, I didn't know. I only figured it out after having a sort of lightbulb moment when I caught myself staring at a guy on the bus and I realised suddenly why I was staring.
As a teenager and during my first relationship I never felt like I was quite the same as other girls. I don't get turned on by pictures of shirtless men quite in the same way others seem to. They'd just make me feel awkward. I had no sex drive really, although I did experiment a tiny bit out of curiosity. Actually, I spent a lot of time wondering if I'm asexual or just a weirdo.
It wasn't until I got together with my (now) husband that I felt passion and arousal. But this went away over the years, leaving me wondering once more if I'm just odd. But that one day, seeing the guy on the bus somehow just flipped a switch in my mind. I knew that I was a sexual person after all. I just hadn't figured out quite what worked for me.
It's not that I'm repressed, or closeminded. Far from it actually; I have never had issues watching **** or discussing sex openly, these things just didn't affect me at all.
Today I'm glad to say I have figured it out, even though the knowledge makes me feel slightly bitter. I know now what to type into a search engine and magically something will appear that'll get me hot instantly. But I also know that after 5 years of marriage, I'm in a situation where I can't act on this new knowledge.
And I was so ashamed of what I had found out that I didn't tell anyone. Well except maybe some faceless people online.
Meanwhile life at home wasn't great, my husband and I were arguing about tons of things; a recurring topic being the lack of sex in our marriage. I'll stand by what I told him; once or twice a week is NOT THAT BAD. But it's not enough for him. And the one thing that irked him, which he couldn't understand is the difference in my attitude towards sex. Whereas we were enjoying a passionate and fulfilling lovelife when we just got together, after years of marriage it was bleak. He could see that I was treating it like a chore, to please him.
And he was right. I wasn't into it, but I didn't want to withhold something from him and cause him unhappiness. The fact that I couldn't act well enough sadly still made him unhappy. I gave him permission to get his kicks elsewhere, even if it hurt a lot. But this didn't make it any better for either of us.
So I thought long and hard about stuff (hid in other activities, online chats and hobbies away from him; making him feel even worse about it all). And finally agreed that he was right. I had to be honest and open with him; I had to tell him about my discovery.
I did. To be fair to him, he took it pretty well, even if I spent about a week wondering if I'd just crushed what was left of our marriage by the blunt admission that he just "wasn't my type" sexually. Now I believe we are getting through it.
But I'm still embarrassed and I haven't told him the whole story. I haven't shared the full extent of what I'm into. I've read up on other fetishes and I realise that you'll only get it if you're into the same thing. Otherwise it's simply bizarre and possibly revolting. Just like how I feel about certain things others happily engage in but which i don't understand.
And I don't want him to feel that towards me and my desires. I hope it's enough to close my eyes sometimes, think of something I can't have. And then channel that desire towards him so he can see in me again the kind of passion we used to share earlier.
And wow, a lot has happened indeed! For the past week or so I feel like things are finally looking up. I feel happier and more fulfilled than I have been in a while. But I can't ignore some blatant truths about myself.
I do have a fetish, I didn't used to think so earlier but I guess I was in denial. I am attracted to bigger men (I somehow flinch at the idea of saying "fat", because people tend to use the word so negatively, but I suppose it's a more accurate desc
I'm also a feeder, as in I enjoy watching / encouraging a guy to overeat and gain weight.
This isn't something I was always aware of, even though certainly there were signs of it while growing up. In fact, when I got married at 21, I didn't know. I only figured it out after having a sort of lightbulb moment when I caught myself staring at a guy on the bus and I realised suddenly why I was staring.
As a teenager and during my first relationship I never felt like I was quite the same as other girls. I don't get turned on by pictures of shirtless men quite in the same way others seem to. They'd just make me feel awkward. I had no sex drive really, although I did experiment a tiny bit out of curiosity. Actually, I spent a lot of time wondering if I'm asexual or just a weirdo.
It wasn't until I got together with my (now) husband that I felt passion and arousal. But this went away over the years, leaving me wondering once more if I'm just odd. But that one day, seeing the guy on the bus somehow just flipped a switch in my mind. I knew that I was a sexual person after all. I just hadn't figured out quite what worked for me.
It's not that I'm repressed, or closeminded. Far from it actually; I have never had issues watching **** or discussing sex openly, these things just didn't affect me at all.
Today I'm glad to say I have figured it out, even though the knowledge makes me feel slightly bitter. I know now what to type into a search engine and magically something will appear that'll get me hot instantly. But I also know that after 5 years of marriage, I'm in a situation where I can't act on this new knowledge.
And I was so ashamed of what I had found out that I didn't tell anyone. Well except maybe some faceless people online.
Meanwhile life at home wasn't great, my husband and I were arguing about tons of things; a recurring topic being the lack of sex in our marriage. I'll stand by what I told him; once or twice a week is NOT THAT BAD. But it's not enough for him. And the one thing that irked him, which he couldn't understand is the difference in my attitude towards sex. Whereas we were enjoying a passionate and fulfilling lovelife when we just got together, after years of marriage it was bleak. He could see that I was treating it like a chore, to please him.
And he was right. I wasn't into it, but I didn't want to withhold something from him and cause him unhappiness. The fact that I couldn't act well enough sadly still made him unhappy. I gave him permission to get his kicks elsewhere, even if it hurt a lot. But this didn't make it any better for either of us.
So I thought long and hard about stuff (hid in other activities, online chats and hobbies away from him; making him feel even worse about it all). And finally agreed that he was right. I had to be honest and open with him; I had to tell him about my discovery.
I did. To be fair to him, he took it pretty well, even if I spent about a week wondering if I'd just crushed what was left of our marriage by the blunt admission that he just "wasn't my type" sexually. Now I believe we are getting through it.
But I'm still embarrassed and I haven't told him the whole story. I haven't shared the full extent of what I'm into. I've read up on other fetishes and I realise that you'll only get it if you're into the same thing. Otherwise it's simply bizarre and possibly revolting. Just like how I feel about certain things others happily engage in but which i don't understand.
And I don't want him to feel that towards me and my desires. I hope it's enough to close my eyes sometimes, think of something I can't have. And then channel that desire towards him so he can see in me again the kind of passion we used to share earlier.
By:
hedonist6
Age:
26-30
,
Female
4
responses
