Student/teacher Is Why Does It Feel Like Its Happening To Me?

It started sophomore year. He was the new band director and, in the beginning, I was determined to impress. But when my priorities shifted and I started missing practices and important events a lot, the initial "student/teacher bond" was severed. I was accused of having no dedication to the band, and part of me was even wondering if that was true. I eventually hit the verge of a breakdown, the stress of the program riding high on my shoulders. But rather than scolding me, he gave me the freedom of choice and said he would help me with whatever I chose to do. I came to the realization that my heart would always lie with the band.

Later, I began to set big goals for myself. I set my sights on Drum Major, the highest leadership position in the program, the one that conducts on the field. I either wanted that, or second in command. Trying to account for my previous behavior, I started spending more time after school with the director, helping him with what I could. The more time we spent, the closer we got. Our relationship improved and soon he was helping me with all of my problems, standing up to people in my stead and even helping me hide from bullies. I started to really enjoy his company, and I even thought I might like him if I were older. We would still get into quarrels every once in a while, but I never felt compelled to leave the band again. I wouldn't call it a crush, but I was definitely drawn to him.

Drum major tryouts came along. I had been preparing for three months to get the music we were to conduct to. The only two running were me and the former Drum Major. She wasn't too keen on being the Drum Major again, only running because she didn't know who else was. We were told that, without any doubt, one of us would be Band Captain (second in command) and the other would be Drum Major by next year. I was satisfied with this.

At some point, just a week before leadership positions were announced, I got involved with a college boy. My parents had no issue with this, but he did. As soon as he found out, before even discovering his age (20 when I was 16), he was furious with me. I started getting the cold shoulder and I was getting yelled at for the smallest things. He wouldn't let my boyfriend pick me up from school and almost had an issue with him attending my concert, the same concert in which positions would be announced. When it came time for the announcement, my heart dropped as I heard my name wasn't called for Drum Major. But when I heard there wouldn't be a Band Captain because the only person who ran for it was me, I was naturally upset, because I felt like I had been lied to.

Over the summer I contemplated quitting. I hated him, I hated band, I hated everything. I felt so wronged. The only comfort I had was my significant other, who, along with many others, said that the director seemed to have a thing for me. A weird possessive nature or something, but we just couldn't quite figure it out because his occupation made it difficult to pin. When school started again, a few friends persuaded me to stay in band and that's what I ended up doing. He was still being unreasonable, however. Confiscating my phone without any reason and yelling at me for things I didn't do.

When my boyfriend and I split, I was heartbroken. But everyone noticed a sort of lift in the director's spirits. He wasn't any nicer to me, but his overall attitude improved greatly. As time went on, he gradually became better. It's now the middle of my junior year, and we still haven't reached the point we were at, but I'm working on it. I miss being near him like I used to be. Even though when I'm with him, he has a habit of getting under my skin, in both a good and bad kind of way. Does he like me? I don't know. Do I like him? Once again, I don't know. I may never know the answer to these questions. I just wanted to get this off my chest, because its been on my mind a lot recently. Thank you for taking the time to read this, though.
wi4mep wi4mep
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

Wow... that sounds rather complicated and confusing I hope things became clearer and turned out good