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Only A Man Would Attempt This !!!

This is not my story but I laughed till I cried.

Last weekend I saw somthing at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little somthing extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100.000 volt, pocket/purse sized tazer. The effect's of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

Way too cool ! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batterie's in the darn thing and pushed the button, Nothing ! I was disappointed. I learned however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prong's.

AWESOM !!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could'nt be all that bad with only two triple-A batterie's, right ?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul )  while I was reading the direction's and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.. I must admit I thought of zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second ) and thought better of it.. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised, Am I wrong ?

So, there I sat in a pair of short's and a tank top with my reading glass's perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,direction's in one hand, and tazer in another. The direction's said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasm's and a major loss of bodily control; a three second blast would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst over three second's would be wasting the batterie's.

All the while I'm lookink at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy bitsy triple A batterie's ) thinking to myself,no possible way !  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best ,,?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, dont do it dummy, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tint little ole thing could'nt hurt all that bad. I touched the prong's to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.. WEAPON'S OF MASS DESTRUCTION .....
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tear's in my eye's, body soaking wet, both nipple's on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.and tingling in my leg's ? The cat was making meowing sound's I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room floor.

Note : If you ever feel compelled to " mug " yourself with a tazer, one note of caution : there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself !!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be concidered conservative ?

IT HURT !!!!
A minute or so later ( I cant be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point )  I collected my wit's ( what little I had left ) , sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glass's were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My tricept's, right thigh and both nipple's were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I belive came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicle's and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return !!!

P.S. My wife who cant stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threaten's me with it !
Robert1256 Robert1256 51-55, M 43 Responses Jun 12, 2010

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LOL too funny

Haha lol

OMG!!! I LOVED THATS, I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING AHHH YOUR AMAZING!!!! :D =D
some how I knew when you bought the tazar youd do that! But I really love the detailed description! Best story so far!!!!!

So my stomach hurts from laughing and I am wondering if you ever found your personal private parts.
If not, they sell them at Testeez R Us .....

I keep coming back to read this...everytime I need a smile and a laugh! :)

actually LOLing man!!!! i want one!!!!

Thanks for taking the time to write this story , it was very funny , but personally i think those gadgets should be banned , they are very dangerous , and a person could easily get a heart attack and die , your lucky your ok

OMFG YES!!!!!!!! I love it!!! Thank you for sharing!!!

LMAO...whoever wrote that my be a fool (awe, I can't say that..he's just a typical man doing what crosses the mind of many men in a similar situation) but the details were what mad it so. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing this and hopefully whoever he is it saved him a bundle on the vasectomy! :)

LMAO !!!!! thats a good one but your such a nice guy for buying your wife a gift like that. lol and I would have loved to have seen that, the cat the chair and you oh My

Come read this story sis, and smile.

Thank You for reading and commenting, Ligg and 777. I can still come back and read this and get a good laugh when I need one. Now i'm a man and I might be a little dense up there here and there but I am still not stupid enough to try this, well most of the time anyway. : ) My Best

LOL

I read this story to my mother in law as we were driving on the highway. I stopped reading at least 3 times during the story to let her recover because she was laughing so hard that I was at those very times concerned that she could not maintain control over her car!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!THAT IS JUS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE HEARD EVER!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!THAT IS JUS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE HEARD EVER!!!!!!!!

OMG! That was the funniest thing I have heard in long, long time! (I really thought the cat was gonna get it!) Hope no damage was permanent to whoever that poor soul may have been. Now I want to go get one!

Thank you for reading and commenting iambobbin8er. I still cant read this story without laughing. My Best.

Sooo funny!! The cloud of smoke was a special touch. I loved it!!!

Thank you for reading and commenting hopefullyhumble, cbuza and CharlotteNC. I dont have one in my house and would'nt trust my wife with it. : ) My Best.

ROFL! Where can I find one of those little jewels?

I know someone who tried a tazzer on himself and he regretted it for some time afterwards. I hope that this person is ok now though it is a really funny story.

GREAT BALLS O'FIRE!

Thank you for reading and commenting franksmusicbox. I think I will will just take other's word that it work's, I do feel pain. My Best.

The story is not far from the truth.For my sons bachelor party a bunch of the guys went to a shooting range in Pa. My nephew was curious about the tazar. He mentioned he would not mind getting tazared, he wondered what it felt like. In no time at all, One of the workers there took out the gun and charged it. My nephew backed down from the challenge. However since it was charged the employee felt a need to zap some one. He turned to a fellow employee and zap him. He hardle flinched. But now it was his turn to return the favor. He turns to his assailant and zapppppppped him for a few seconds. He falls to the floor in tears and shakes for a while we all laughed. Evidently the first man to be zapped was impervious to the pain. You could see in his eyes he was a intensely crazy. We got our turn to the shooting range and blasted away at paper men in the target booth. A good lime was had by all except the guy on the floor. Boys will be boys

Thank you 777heaven and gomathitalent. We can all use a good laugh here and there and you can certainly find more than one in this story. My Best.

u r so brave and me too laughing.... but very good gift to ur wife... ok how r u?

I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED OUT LOUD through the whole story. Thank you for that my friend.

Thank you for reading and commenting honeybit. Yea, thiis story has a way of bringing tear's to your face but in a good way. My Best.

Man, oh, man! It's been a loooooooooooooong time since I've laughed like THAT! Thank you so, so much for sharing!!!!

Thank you for reading and commenting bratef. That zapper would leave you never the same man again. My Best.