I was rejected.
This is hard for me to accept, let alone write a story about.
But I guess awareness and acceptance are both ingredients to overcome this, to which I have vowed to pursue even if it takes a lifetime to recover.

My grandma used to tell me that my mom tried to abort me while inside her tummy. I guess I was that strong that I managed to stay and no, I am not a ghost typing my story now. I was born with deficiencies, though. Physically my defects are visible. Before I had my 1st birthday, my mom got scared that people would bully me so she decided to end my possible misery by pressing a pillow against my face. I didn't know how hard was it for her to truly accept me. I didn't even know this happened, until my mom confessed to me when I was 17.
I guess I was that strong to resist the absence of air... on the hindsight, while my own mother was trying to take away my life, Someone has been constantly saving me.

On to my 19th year of existence, I met a wonderful guy who became my only real boyfriend two years after we met. And we continued on with the relationship for almost 10 years.

I had ten years of bitter-sweet experiences with him. Everything was great, except that he had relations with five other women, was in and out of rehab and jail for substance dependency, a chronic liar, didn't hold a job for long and a clinically depressed guy who threatened that he will kill himself if I leave him. Was I not that codependent enough to allow him to control me? Or was I just too afraid to be rejected after finding a home where I thought love was?

Fast forward to my late twenties, I decided to let go of him.
I thank God for I finally making me realize what I deserve. Jesus on the cross spoke to me and said that I deserve a love like "this" - his death on the cross - no more, no less. Why was I struggling keep the crumbs of affection that people gave me when I can enjoy His love which he daily sends me?

Two weeks after I left my boyfriend, he entered new relationships and called me that he has changed because of his women. Did he want me back? I had no idea....
Until his brother called me two years after to tell me that my ex boyfriend took his own life. They found a letter where my name was there, his only source of "love" he found on earth.

So what's "great" in this story of rejection?
I realized that I accept the love that I think I deserve.
And I attracted people who have issues that I am struggling with. I am still trying to recover from rejection, sometimes the idea that I can have a Borderline personality haunts me. I may be struggling and the more I think about standing for myself and not allowing people to reject me, the more I feel rejected.

From time to time, I am reminded that I can never control how others treat me. Whether they reject me for my physical deficiencies, uncanny behaviors, insecurities, neuroses, difficulties, irrationalities, sickness or whatever labels they have, is no longer under my control. But it is up to me to let their words wreck or build me.
What I need to focus on is to help myself accept my self because whenever I am completely at peace with my own self, I operate on love and no longer on fear. When I accept my mistakes as part of my individuality, I become more courageous to do more things and more understanding of others' mishaps as well. When I stop pulling others who want to leave, I give myself a favor in becoming free. When I start understanding those who reject me, I realize their own battles and hurts as well.

Whenever I realize how Jesus truly loved me, rejection slowly loses its power over me.
adjustedfocus adjustedfocus
2 Responses Aug 27, 2014

You are Good !
Great Sense of Humor

To be beautiful means to be yourself.Uniquely you and worthy of love. Thanks for sharing your journey.

Aww... Your words are new to me. It is you who deserves my gratitude.
Thank you very much. :)