My Secret Haircutting FetishI only realised in recent years that what I had always ‘had’ was a hair fetish. I always viewed “it” as a bit of a sickness/perversion and felt there was something wrong with me. I’ve never discussed this issue with anyone, but at the moment I feel I need to explore it a bit further, and the anonymity of the internet gives me the courage to do so. I feel like I’m revealing something bad about myself that I should be ashamed of.
My mother was a hairdresser, and still did a few clients hair at home. The sunroom was her ‘salon’ and I often got to watch an old lady get a purple rinse, or see a little girl’s hair hacked off because she wasn’t looking after it etc… When I was five my parents told me I was adopted, and I was experiencing security issues, and around this time my mother also took me into the sunroom, put the cape on me, and set me up for a haircut. To my horror she cut it into a sort of nondesc
I felt something even at that early age, about how my mother seemed to enjoy cutting my hair short, and it made me feel uncomfortable. As I grew older I definitely realised she had a ‘thing’ about cutting hair - she always seemed to get excited when she had the opportunity to cut peoples hair really short. I on the other hand developed an obsession with growing my hair (which at 10 years old she let me do), and I would get furious with her when she tried to cut my 2 little sisters’ hair shorter, even breaking a pair of scissors to stop her.
In my teens mum came into my room one day screeching about the mess, grabbed me by the hair and yelled out for my older brother to bring her the scissors as she had “had it with me” and was going to cut off my waist length hair. I managed to get her off me, but I felt weird about the look on her face and eyes when she was in her moment of rage – I knew she was trembling with not just anger but with arousal/excitement – she was finally going to get to cut my hair short again (while my hair was long she would constantly point out short hair photos and say why don’t I have it cut like that it would look great on me).
However, in the midst of my obsession with long hair I had an experience that stood out. My friend next door’s mum had her very long hair cut to shoulder length and permed. I was fascinated with both having the nerve to do that, and with whether her husband would like it. I was actually really turned on by it, although I had no concept at that point that it was a sexual response. That night I was having a sleepover there as I often did, and somehow ended up initiating a hair role playing scenario with my friend regarding both head and pubic hairstyles, with light petting. We did this on and off for a few weeks, then just stopped. Since that time until now I have looked back and felt like I was some kind of molester, like I had done something really perverted even though I was so innocent at the time. That incident was the start of my own personal hair-cutting fantasy/************ which continued throughout my teen years. I had a few favourite fantasies, and could always ‘******’, however always wondered how much better that ****** would be if it was with a real person.
What was common to my emerging fantasies is that they all involved dramatic cutting of long hair, always on a female. That total and extreme transformation was the source of my arousal. Often my arousal peaked as I viewed the new haircut with both excitement and/or disgust, each response turning me on. I have no idea why, but since very early on long hair being cut into either a very short bob, or completely shaving a female’s head (sometimes forcefully) have greatly turned me on. But it is a real love/hate response: in my fantasy it is an absolute turn-on, yet in real life it is something I couldn’t do. Although it arouses me it also represents an uglier, less feminine me and I’m afraid to cut it as I worry I would look somewhat androgynous. So I’ve kept roughly the same boring mid-length, brown hair for the past 30ish years. A couple of times I’ve cut a fair bit off just to see how short I’d dare go, but no-one ever really even notices as I mostly wear it up in a clip.
My haircutting fetish always made me feel like a freak – what sort of weirdo gets sexually aroused by hair like I do? I came to hate this part of my character. I felt like other people were normal - I just had a ‘sicko’ part of me. This, plus my anxiety, self-consciousness, and feelings of ugliness, led me to believe I probably wouldn’t date guys like ‘normal’ girls, and that my ‘hair ******’ was possibly the closest thing I’d ever get to actual sex. It was isolating and lonely, and the worse I felt about myself the more I craved the contentment I got from the ritual of fantasising/************ about hair.
I do genuinely love hair and see how it can be so beautiful (no sexual arousal involved), and will always think long shiny hair is gorgeous and sensual. However I also now have an appreciation for how short, even extremely short, hair can enhance the beautiful features of some women, and this is completely separate from my fetish turn-ons.
I have lived almost my entire adult life alone bar two fairly short relationships due to my general feelings of weirdness. During sex in those relationships I was not as aroused as I am when I’m fantasising about hair. I feel really f #*!ed up as a human being inside, yet no-one knows anything about it.
I know that if I walked in to my mother’s house with a short haircut she would probably come in her pants and I can visualise her extended inspection and stupid comments as she dealt with being aroused. I know her too well – if I were in fact to cut my hair short and go to show mum I would be totally turned on also. And THIS makes me feel a bit sick and creepy. Like I mentioned earlier, I had a strong awareness of her ‘vibe’ when cutting hair from such a young age, but to know that I have the same form of strangeness as her is unsettling.
I can’t believe how dominant this hair theme has been throughout my life, and how deeply entwined it is with my whole appearance/self-esteem issue. Anyway, I’m not sure how I feel about the hair fetish thing at the moment. I’m thankful to learn of others with similar hair fetish experiences, yet I still struggle to accept that it is normal or okay for me.
deleted 26-30 32 Responses 16 May 17, 2011