CoveniencesThroughout my whole life I've always had trouble keeping friends. I honestly can't say that I'm friends with the same people I once grew up with. Looking back to my life as a child makes me sad because I can honestly count all the friends in my "real life" outside of EP are easily counted on my one hand. I loose friends as if I was purposely trying to get rid of them. Friends come and go I noticed in life but I want stable, long, real friends who aren't just wanting to be friends with me till something better comes along, till they get tired of me, annoyed with me, looses interest. It's devastating for me to look back at past friends. I'm not going to sit here and say that I've been the best of friend to everyone who has crossed paths with me because that is absolutely not true.
Growing up I was pretty much a loner. I have no siblings and I had lots of friends in school but when it came to hanging outside of school I maybe had 2 that I could really hang out with. Being older the stresses of maintaining friends was hard for me. I disliked the usual things that a typical teenager loves. Like cell phones, being on the phone, hanging out, the regular stuff kids did I hated it. I had the 2 best of friends I ever had when I was about the age of 12. We did everything imaginable. We would stay the night, we would gossip, we'd hang out till we could no longer talk or keep our eyes open and most importantly we trusted, loved, and cared for one another. Unfortunately one of the many disadvantages of living in a town with a air force ba
It was true. Before I knew it both of my best friends ended up moving within the same year and I still remained here in my town with people I no longer knew. I put some much time and effort into my relationship with my best friends that when they both left I was struggling to find that "person" or "group" to belong too. I bounced from all sorts of groups. I would hang out with the asians, the cheerleaders, the band nerds, the originals, EVERYTHING and no matter how hard I tried I no longer felt like I belong. I've had so many friends I began to loose count and from that point on I started to feel like I'd never find a true friendship like I had with my two best friends.
Don't get me wrong I had lots of friends but they were nothing like my relationship with Ashlee && Mary (best friends). I would cry at night and wish I had packed my stuff and went along with them but all in all I began to realize that all my past friendships were conveniences. They'd hang out with me, they'd love me, care for me, confide in me, comfort me, but as soon as they found a realize to up and leave, they did! They would hang out with me because my parents were easy going that my house was the hang out and we'd have like 20 people stay over play games, do typical high school teenager stuff. I loved it but it was still never the same. If someone back then asked who I could confide in or trust I honestly couldn't pin point out a certain person because I was only that convenience for them.
I've always had many guy friends growing up. For some reason girls disliked me and I found myself to be okay with it but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt me because it did. I would go home and just wish for once I could gossip, I could do "girly things" but for me that seemed as if it wasn't happening. Because of having so many guy friends meant that as soon as they'd find a girl they liked I was once again a convenience. They loved being my friend but as soon as a girl came along I could no longer be in the picture because I was a "problem" to the relationship.
Anyways, to sum up the story. I just wanted to thank all my friends on EP for not only loving me for who I am and not judging but for not making me feel like I am once again a convenience to anyone. I can seriously count the "real life friends" on possibly 3 fingers but on here it's an endless amount of love and friends and it's once again given me that hope that I can once again have TRUE FRIENDS.