Emotions Are Hard

i have a very hard time showing emotions. i feel love, i feel happy but i have a hard time letting other people see that. i dont understand any of it. i'm ashamed to say it but i have a hard time even showing my kids emotions. i never tell them i love them. i wanted to have kids so bad and now years later, i think i would've been better off if i didn't. i think i'm such a loner i dont want to bother with anyone. communication and saying certain words are really hard for me. i would feel so stupid saying "i love you" to my kids!!! thats crazy!!! ive been married twice and i cant say "love" anymore after awhile. when birthdays, moms days, dads days come around it takes everything i have just to hug someone.  i just dont understand my brain. i truly love my boyfriend but i know it will wear off it always does...
prettyinpink prettyinpink
46-50, F
2 Responses Apr 10, 2007

I think for me, growing up, excesses in emotion weren’t permitted. You know, laugh softly, don’t cry, don’t get angry, etc. I never heard the words ‘I love you’ spoken in my house. I actually had to, and still do, train myself to show emotion, although I still freak out when I see emotional scenes. Like CrystalCat, I feel incredibly uncomfortable—I wouldn’t say scared just… I don’t know… as if I shouldn’t be seeing it or they shouldn’t be so emotional. I’m okay now, with people I’m close to but strangers tend to get the whole Spock thing from me. By the way, Spock was (is?) my idol! I wanted to be like him, smart, tough, EMOTIONLESS.

I understand you exactly. I'm like this because of fear of rejection. Also, I feel uncertain about spontaneous displays of emotion. When I see people acting overjoyed or soppily-in-love I feel scared and often make an excuse to get away.