Not Sure What Else To Call It

Recently, I've been noticing I have this urge to hug a random girl. Just to go up and give her a great big hug. Nothing sexual in any way, just a nice hug. Of course, it begs the question: Why do I feel this way? The only explanation I have is that I can't explain it, because it's a fetish.

I'm pretty sure I know what caused it. I have high-functioning autism, and when I was young, I had trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings. I was always very quiet, even as a baby, because I wasn't sure how to relate things to people through words.

It was 1st grade, the year before everyone started thinking I was weird and such. Back then, everyone was nice, and everyone was my friend. There were a few girls specifically that were really nice to me and they became my best friends. I didn't know how to express my feelings with words, so I showed my appreciation for them by hugging them tight. The main problem was, I didn't know how hard to hug. That used to be a big problem for me. I never knew when to stop or how hard to hug or high five or anything, because no one understood me, and so no one could get it into my head how to do it right.

So, I didn't just hug. I squeezed, to the point where they would say "Oookay, *my name*, that's enough, you can stop." I just really appreciated their friendship, and was trying to be nice.

Around the same time, I started expressing myself through (scribbly) drawings and (hard to read) stories. I found one of my old notebooks recently. In marker, I had scribbled out a few stories. They mostly involved me walking with my new female friends, when something would happen to them, like they would fall off a cliff or be attacked by a monster. I would save them, and they would thank me, and all of us would gather in a "big hug", the end. Quite interesting.

Unfortunately, because I couldn't control how hard I hugged, the girls not only got uncomfortable but actually scared of me. They would turn and run when I came running at them shouting "Hug!". I remember seeing one of them at the drinking fountain in the 1st grade hallway and running up to her shouting that, and she just stopped drinking water and ran. She eventually got the teacher and she made me stop. I just didn't know how much was too much, or when to stop.

I don't know how my parents and I worked it out, but we did, and I stopped hugging everyone. My odd fetish disappeared for a while as well.

Out of nowhere, it returned in October, after I had been in college a few weeks and seen lots and lots of kind, cute girls. I kept getting the random urge to hug a random girl, just to squeeze her, but not enough to hurt her like in 1st grade. Just to give her a nice hug. I asked my closest EP friends how to handle this, and though they tried to help, they were as stumped as I was. I told my mom about it, and she couldn't figure it out either, but on my long days of college, where I was exposed to so many huggable girls, she let me just give her a huge hug when I got home. When I ended the hug, she would just look at me with a worried look and say "Aww, sweetheart." It was really nice she understood my problem so well.

Later that month, it went away again for no reason at all. Now it comes back in waves. I'll be thinking of meeting one of my female EP friends and just start thinking about really really wanting to hug her. Then I'll tell her that, and just go on about hugging for hours and embarrass myself. Like, why would that be the most important thing to me? Wouldn't I rather hang out with my friends instead of just hugging them forever? Stupid fetish. -.-

I also never get to hug anyone. I don't get to see my female friends much (the ones who live near me), and most girls I do know either are afraid of hugging me because people might think we're dating, or they will hug me every so often, but just a small hug. The only people I get to hug are family, and that is really not the same. The closest thing I somewhat regularly get to a hug from a girl around my age is a hug from my mom. I don't get to see my best friend Courtney much at all, but I always love our hugs too. Honestly, I don't think any girl near me would understand if I just told her I wanted to hug her for at least a few seconds all the time. She would probably think I like her or something. It's just hard to deal with this sometimes. :/

Well, I really wanted to create this group and share this story as a release for myself and also to help anyone else who has the same problem. I actually highly doubt anyone does, since my fetish came about through such strange means, but I hope you all enjoyed reading this anyway. :)

Hugs, everyone (obviously, lol).
GreenFreak1230 GreenFreak1230
18-21, M
2 Responses Dec 8, 2012

Aww *hugs*

Aw, thanks. :) *hugs back*

hehe:) *kisses your cheek*

*turns a little red* A little friendly, aren't you? ;)


1 More Response

I love hugs!! Me & my friends hug all the time!!! *HUGS* :-D

Aw! I would love to hug you. :D

Well I send u a *VIRTUAL HUG* then!! :-D