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Shocked, Lonely, Scared And Still In Love

MY Husbad was just caught about a month ago... we havent even been married a year yet.... in October... and he will Im sure miss it.....he was depressed... doc put him on pills and he did something stupid after he put him on them...... he has 2 kids and the mother wont let me have contact.. I have been with him 3 years.  We have had trouble having a baby also... and we dont know what we are looking at  .. from probation to 6 years.....I am so lonely.... so upset.. I dont know how to live without him.. I get so angry... all i can think is why.. you gave up so much!! And now its like my whole family died.....I feel alone.... soooo alone.. all the holidays I have to spend alone.. birthdays.... and the fact he cant have contact with his kids.. OMG.. its killing me... I am sticking by his side.... he promises so much when he gets out and I believe him.....he wasnt right when he did what he did...and Ill never find a man to love me like him and Ive been in many relationships...how long have you been going throug this?  I felt like he died at first.... I couldnt go to our apt.. Ive been staying at my parents.. but my freind is gana move in with me to help with the rent while I still have the lease....I am still so in love.. but the loney days.. and holidays... watching everyone else hold hands. and I cant.... Im angry.. but I know he wasnt himself when thsi happened and I hope the courts have mercy on his soul......I am only 28.. 29 in august.....what in the world do I do.. I feel like my world is over...... how are you dealing with this?
delicaterose00 delicaterose00 26-30 8 Responses Jul 12, 2010

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well first of all i want to say you're not alone i married my husband while he was incarerated in June 2007 he was released in Feb 2009 yet sad to say he's gone again on a parole hold,I put everything I had in my husband until I once realized his ways was going to eventually give me a nervous break down that is the day I pick up my bible & began to pray to give me strenth to endure whatever may come my way,because i knew the way my husband life style would end him up back in prison or in the grave.Yes I have my days but I thank God that I took my eyes off man(my husband) and put it in him. I'm telling u my story cuz I want you to know it's nothing impossible for the Lord to do, I ask that he give you strentgh through it all but put him first, how much u love your husband show God that same luv and have faith to beleive that you're going to make it not only you but your husband as well.Yes I miss my husband as well and so ready for him to come hime but we bith know it's not in our timing but in God timing he'll be here.I wrote you to encouarge you to let you know you can make just keep the faith and no all is well. And last but not least my husband have baby mamas that do crazy things he can't see his daughter either but she(b.mama) would have to answer for that,they know how to hurt the other parent but she'll reap what she so

Oh.. I didnt get my phone call, but he called this morning.... they locked everyone up at 4 for some reason.... he called this morning and Im going at 11 to see him for my 15 minutes.... its hard because I have to see him behind glass.. we cant touch in the prison he is in now.. they only allow that if you have children, and I still couldnt go in the room, just the kids... GOD everytime I think of how that woman wont let him talk to his kids.... the lord just needs to help me with that lol.....I know he did this to himself.. but god... take his kids away?????? :(

Wow... it took you 9 months to see him????? That is awful? Why in the world so long? I believe we may have overnight visits, I am not sure, but I never heard of weekend visits.. wow that would be like the greatest thing in the whole world!!! I know out here you have to earn " visits" like that they may be only an our or two long, I never had to look up on it so I dont know the rules of prisons really....I have issues with getting pregnant. I have Endometriosis... so it never happened yet... we hope in jail it may lol I cant imagine your pain of driving all that way and then get a call its cancelled and then they didnt even tell him, I would have been worried and sad for him.... omg... you poor thing... gosh.... I pray he gets out on parole for you..... I hope he is a better man to you......as I hope mine will be. I love the promises though lol.... Since I am left with just my income now I had to cell his XBox 360 to fix my car.. needs a tire and breaks.. .. he told me to though.. said he was going to stop playing those and start spending that time with me like he should have done... he is 34 he said.. he needed to grow up. I feel this made me and Mark both open our eyes to things that are important. Things I thought that were important are not now... and same with him. We keep trying to figure out things and ways for him to make money when he gets out.... save money for a lawyer so if his ex wife tries to keep kids away even after he gets out we can fight.. its like this battle is going to be never ending.... I have a hard life ahead of me... but I think God will help us through it....So let me ask you.... have you been able to be faithful?? I just want someone to hold me and kiss me.... and imagine its Mark......I dunno... Im so lost and lonely.. what is your first name?

no thats not me and him i found that picture on the internet lol, I finally got my call. Im sure he is okay, all it takes is one person to screw it up for everyone, it's so hard not to worry every thought goes through your mind. Even just the other night I believe Saturday night everyone refused to go into their cells, b/c the guards took away one of their tv's so everyone refused to go into their cells, the guys who got there tv taken away did nothng, so the guards shot them with rubber bullets, used mase on them, tear gas, A can of tear gas opened up in front of Gary and he was puking all night... It's **** like that, that breaks my heart...i hate him having to go through that stuff. Yeah thats sort of where Gary is, he's there for three months hes been there for 2 months today and another month i get to hug and kiss him... But out visits are two hrs long, when he was in provincial it was 20 minutes, when he gets to his permnment place the visits are open for 6hrs, then we are going to apply for trailers so a weekend visit every 4-6 weeks, lol those I cannot wait for... the US and canada prisons systems seem pretty different. I believe only in Canada you get weekend visits. <br />
It's good that your parents are sticking by him, he needs all the support he can get, and especially you... Did you read that poem I put on my profile the forgotten victim? We've been together for almost 4 and married for almost 2, he's been in for over a year now... I put tons of pictures of him everywhere that helps too, take lots of pictures for him, i cutt out newspaper articles for him too and magazine too... it probably did kill him not to talk to you, it kills gary. oh god two months ago when he got there we had to wait for our phone numbers to be approved longest we have even gone without talking, we didnt talk for almost 3 weeks, that killed me and him that was so hard, and on top of that when i was filling out my visiting forms to be approved i forgot to put my drivers licence number down so they sent it back so it took an extra three weeks for me to see him, he was so mad b/c he was 9hrs away and we haven't seen each other in 9 months, so finally after being approved for visits waiting 9 months to see him, i rented a car drove out there, got off at the highway exit and they called me and told me visits were cancelled b/c of a lockup, i cried all the way home, and it didnt happen in garys area so he didnt knoww there was a lock up he was waiting and waiting for the visit, and i never showed, he thought i was dead on the highway. Its so stupid, this is by far the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through, I am moving closer to him, just waiting to see where he is going... No we dont have no kids, im 25 hes 35, when we have our weekend over night visits, where just going to let it happen, if it does it does, if not...

I can add you to yahoo... when I check my mail I can chat with you from in there....Im delicaterose00@yahoo.com. YOu can email me there instead of on here too if you want. .. I didnt get my phone call.. first time in a month.... I pray he is ok, Im guessing someone screwed it up for everyone and they locked everyone up early.. I bet it killed him not to talk to me tonight, but I will see him tomorrow.. for our 15 minutes. County jail is like... the jail you go to before they send you off to the PEN .....So is that pic of you two? Reminds me of a wedding picture...teeaarr.....Do you have any kids with him?? I forget, how long have you been without him? How long were you married?

yeah, he still has not called and if he don't call by 9:30pm tonight I will know something is up, everything is racing through my mind right now... now he's 2hrs away but I have to book 48hrs in advance and I have to rent a car to go and see him, I dont know much about county because I am in Toronto, ONtario Canada, but im guess county is like provincial jail down here where the phone calls are only 20 minutes long but he would always hang up and call right back.... u got msn or something we can talk there if u want

wow.... I know.. I break down a lot.. I have to take XanaX right now... I mean this was such a shock.. he has never given anyone any kind of idea he could ever ever do something like this... but I blame the meds he was on for just a month before he did this.. Im with you.. with your pain.. your heartache... my family is upset, but they are willing to accept him back.... but my lonely days and nights.. I found a song by Cher just now to send him.... " love is a lonely place without you" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVVAp9vbSTc but I want him to know I am here waiting for him.... Do you think maybe this will make him a better person.. I kind of try and look at this in a good light.. but its hard.. but I think.. wow... you realize all the things that were stupid to fight about.. the wants that werent important.... what was important was beign there for each other loving each other... but the fact his ex wife wont let him have contact with the kids or me.. they are only just 5 and 7.... little ones... Im with you tonight... My name I Kristen... Im waiting on a phone call too.. right now he is only in county so he is only 30 minutes from me so I see him every Tuesday... but gosh .... I need someone to talk to... and Im trying to find an online freind to chat with... to make me feel like I am not alone. and there are other wives who need support too.. well until we get our phone calls... 20 minutes only.. I get.... take care...

well to tell you the truth right now at this moment I am not so good...I am WAITING for him to call me, he was supposed to call me back last night and didnt, if he can call, he should be calling soon, my heart right now iss racing and Im ready to break down, im just holding it all in ... I have been dealing with this for over a year, somedays its hard, some days its ok, and some days its unbearable... right now its unbearable... I have no family or friends that have stuck by me, im all by myself dealing with bills etc.. our phone bill for collect calls is so expensive that I cant afford it, so right now im looking for another job... i worry constantly some days I can't eat or sleep. It;s hard... I dont know how much longer he is in there we are waiting for his dates soon ... I visit him every other week... im going next week cause I dont wanna spend my birthday alone.... I AM currently getting his pen package together for him which is also expensive like tv, clothes, sports stuff, books etc... I dunnoooo, it;s so hard right now I feel like breaking down