To Move On Or Not...what Do You Do? How Do You Stay Strong?

Wow, I cannot even believe that I writing this right now, but I need to talk to someone who knows what I am going thru and it seems like you ladies do know.  My husband has been gone for 1 month now, he is fininshing intake and we have no idea yet where he will end up.  I haven't seen him for a month.  We get to talk on the phone and it is very expensive.  I love him very much, so much, but I feel guilty sometimes because of my emotional rollercoaster.   I find myself feeling sad, lonely and depressed and then:  determined to move on, feeling like I don't need this and all of the heartache that goes with it.  We have been together 3 years and I have 2 grown kids and he has 2 little ones, to whom I am very attached.  Now is ex wife seems determined to limit my time with them.  That hurts. I believe she still has some issues with my husband that she is playing out by using the poor kids.  It is very difficult at times to keep my promises to him and put myself thru all of the pain that standing by him looks like it may cause.  But, I know I am strong enough and I love him enough to do it, I just am trying to get my mind around it.

For background:  He was arrested for Assault on a man who groped me in a bar last July.  Since he had a glass in his hand when he hit him it was assault with a weapon.  He got 3 years. ( Our state has minimum mandatories) He has no criminal history and is a devoted involved father, excellent employee and home owner.  He is a devoted husband.  He just made a decision to handle something badly while he was intoxicated.  I work full-time and make a good living, but this is still very hard financially.  I love him and miss him so much.  I just want him to come home, but I know that is a ways off. 
Lutrafeline Lutrafeline
41-45, F
2 Responses Dec 27, 2010

Hi Prayin,<br />
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It has now been 2 months since my husband went away. I have been able to see him a few times since he is at a regular facility now. that helps a lot, I hope you get to see your man soon. Just being able to see him in person is very reassuring. I so understand what you are going thru. There were times that first few weeks that I thought I was going to spiral into such a hole i would never be able to get out. Get counseling if you can, exercise, take care of yourself and avoid hiding in alcohol. I had a few days where I did that and it didn't help... plus I felt like crap. I hope you have family that are on your side and will support you. It helps to hear others say good things about your man and to validate what you feel for him ( no matter what other people, who don't know him, may say about him). You need to say strong for him, because he will need to hear that you love him and miss him and that you are "keeping the home fires burning" for him. Prison is such a horrible place, even a minimum, particularly for people who aren't used to being in. My husband keeps telling me how lucky he is to have me, because so many women don't hang around. Write him a lot of letters at the beginning and just let it all pour out: all your fears and anxiety and saddness. You are experiencing grief and need to go through the stages: denial, anger, bargaining, saddness, acceptance. But the great thing is this: he will be home. And I know how far away that seems. I like to daydream about him being home and us just being happy together: even tho we may not have all of the material things we once had and we have this history, I look forward to knowing that we made it through and we can really appreciate what it means to have love and not take it for granted ever again. hang in there sweety, you are not alone. We are an invisible group ( prison wives) and no one wants to believe that we can still love our men. But some of us do and can and we will be richer for our devotion.

I encourage you to contact me and we can speak directly. I have a very similar situation. My e-mail is please I think it would be great for both of us.