My Fiance Is In Jail For An Unknown Amount Of Time

So I'm unsure what to think at this point. My fiance and I have been together since 2/25/12. Yeah I know a short time to be engaged. Well when we first started talking, he told me that he worked at a rehab facility that I later found out he was checked in to. I figured well I can understand being ashamed of being an addict/alcoholic so I didn't think much of it and told him that I wouldn't run that easy. Well we started spending every possible moment together, went to the beach together in March, and after Easter, we decided that if we were going to be together all the time, and my son started calling him Daddy Bear, we might as well live together. So he and I moved in with my sister and he was working. We decided that since he didn't have a driver's license (because of a felony dui with great bodily injury in December) So he proposed on April 28 and I was overjoyed. I of course said yes and we immediately decided we were going to get married soon. Well, on June 14th of this year the cops showed up at his work and surrounded him like he was a serious criminal. I was a little confused because I had no idea what was going on. Well since then I found out that he was not only on probation (which is no big deal) , had violated his probation with an assault and battery in December - I knew about the a&b but not the violation of course - then didn't show up for court 3 times and was sitting on a violation of probation, 9 counts of failure to appear for probation revocation, and 3 bench warrants. He told me that he had gone to court on March 30 and they gave him no jail time, 1500 in fines, and suspended his license for 6 months. He made all of that up. Then yesterday I found out from his ex that he was still seeing her when we started dating in February and he was telling her he loved her up until the day before we left for the beach. I don't know who to believe. He is of course telling me that isn't true...she says it is. She really has nothing to gain or lose from it but at the same time I know there are vindictive people out there. My first instinct was to call it quits but I went to see him this morning and he hit his knees telling me that he did not do that and that he loved me. I don't want to leave him in his greatest time of need but at the same time, I don't want to waste 2 years (that is what we have heard as an estimate from every atty we have talked to for how long he'll be gone) and him come out to lie or cheat, then again I don't want to let this go and regret it.
hopelesslyinlove225 hopelesslyinlove225
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 31, 2012

I understand your feelings of confusion. One thing I have learned is that no one can really tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Some people expect me to abandon my fiance and relationship of nearly 8 years because he was brought up on possession of child **** charges. He has never hurt anyone and has no criminal history, yet there are some who think he is a monster just because there was child **** on his computer. They tell me that I must also be a monster to consider marrying and starting a family with someone like him.

I will not abandon him, despite what some others think I should do. I know he is not the kind of person to hurt children or adults. He never has, and I know he never will. I am not the least bit concerned about him being a danger to anyone because I know him very well and I know he's not.

You have to go with your gut and your heart. If you're not sure who's telling the truth, ask for some proof. I am a firm believer in someone being innocent of an accusation until proven guilty. If she cannot produce any proof that he was still seeing her (phone calls, text messages, letters, witnesses that are unbiased etc.) then I personally wouldn't believe her. I mean, how else can she prove it?

I also understand that he's lied to you about other things, much more important things about his criminal history and charges. Those are serious, and you need to consider how such lies might affect you if you stick with him and he comes out and does something like this again. Also, consider the possibility that you could become accidentally caught up in his crimes if you're not careful. I can understand him being ashamed enough to lie. We're humans, we all do it at some point whether we want to admit it to others or not. But he HAS to be willing to make a commitment to you to keep you truthfully informed about what's going on with his cases. If he can't, he could get you into trouble or cause you to have to go through this again down the road.

So if I were you, I'd focus on that. I know you love him and you don't have to justify that to me or anyone else. Just consider what his lies could mean for your future. If you can handle the possibilities, I say support him 100%. If you're not sure, you should probably take a step back and some more time to think about everything. Can you see this person really being your husband? Can you see him possibly being the father of your children? Can you see him being someone you are proud to take to family reunions and other events? Can you see yourself and your family being safe with him? If you can answer yes, then see him through this. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes they just need the guidance of someone who truly loves them to become better. If you can't answer yes, then think some more and realize that he may not be the person for you. The answers to those questions are vital to the success of any marriage and family. You HAVE to be able to answer yes to them.