He Never Says "I"m Sorry"
I am married with 2 kids -- mostly my husband is great - doesn't abuse drugs/alcohol, he's a good provider, a good friend in many ways -- however he rarely (if ever) is able to share his feelings about me, our relationship, who I am to him. I think he's just not that kind of guy, which I knew when I met him. Over the years, I've tried to express to him that its important to me if he could try to do some thoughtful things (for example, bring home flowers, a quick foot massage, giving a nice compliment, etc). I don't expect him to be writing poems or serenading me -- I'm quite realistic, but he doesn't even seem to want to try to fulfill this need of mine.
So that's a brief backdrop of our relationship. Here's what's killing me. Last night we had an arguement. It didn't start out that way, it was really a discussion between us about my feelings about weight gain over the years and my body image in general. He starts telling me that it doesn't matter how big a woman is, as long as she still tries to be sexy. What hes not verbalizing is that he thinks I'm NOT that kind of woman, and that I SHOULD try to be sexier (which I gather to him means he wants me to dress in mini skirts and stilletos). And I have no problem doing that if we're going out together or are alone. ANd I have made many strides in the relationship to appease him -- bought sexy sexy sexy lingerie, I fix myself up - I feel i'm a pretty decent dresser, although 15 pounds heavier than when we met. I wear make up most days. He kept harping on the fact that to be sexy, you have to look a certain way and to do it not only when we're going out, but all the time (which is not ME -- i didn't even wear skirts when we first met, but because i was trying to compromise and give him what he liked, i wear them at least 1-2 times a week now). we were bickering about this stupid stuff back and forth and the conversation escalated and he wound up saying just some mean things in general about 'women today want to stay home all day and not work and then complain about having to take care of the kids and house' and 'cleaning is ur job, the kids are your job -- you don't work outside the home' just in a mean way. sometimes i complain when i get overwhelmed with housework (and I never ask him to do ANY housework). sometimes he helps clean up dinner dishes, and last night he says, "I don't even feel like I should do THAT but I do it".
He was just mean spirited and demeaning and i feel awful and we've not talked all day and i know he'll never apologize. i just feel like its a hopeless case.
and i'm Christian and i don't want a divorce and screw my kids up == its not like hes abusive or cheats (and i'd like to point out that i'm a pretty good wife too -- he can go out with friends and do his thing--i'm not jealous or clingy) but i would love to see our relationship grow deeper and stronger. i would love to be able to communicate without the meanness.
finally i've read some pretty horrible **** on this site about women who've got it way worse than me, so i know i shouldn't complain, but i just don't know what to do anymore. i need to talk to someone in the same boat as me.