He Never Says "I"m Sorry"

I am married with 2 kids -- mostly my husband is great - doesn't abuse drugs/alcohol, he's a good provider, a good friend in many ways -- however he rarely (if ever) is able to share his feelings about me, our relationship, who I am to him.  I think he's just not that kind of guy, which I knew when I met him.  Over the years, I've tried to express to him that its important to me if he could try to do some thoughtful things (for example, bring home flowers, a quick foot massage, giving a nice compliment, etc).  I don't expect him to be writing poems or serenading me -- I'm quite realistic, but he doesn't even seem to want to try to fulfill this need of mine. 

So that's a brief backdrop of our relationship.  Here's what's killing me.  Last night we had an arguement.  It didn't start out that way, it was really a discussion between us about my feelings about weight gain over the years and my body image in general.  He starts telling me that it doesn't matter how big a woman is, as long as she still tries to be sexy.  What hes not verbalizing is that he thinks I'm NOT that kind of woman, and that I SHOULD try to be sexier (which I gather to him means he wants me to dress in mini skirts and stilletos).  And I have no problem doing that if we're going out together or are alone.  ANd I have made many strides in the relationship to appease him -- bought sexy sexy sexy lingerie, I fix myself up - I feel i'm a pretty decent dresser, although 15 pounds heavier than when we met.  I wear make up most days.  He kept harping on the fact that to be sexy, you have to look a certain way and to do it not only when we're going out, but all the time (which is not ME -- i didn't even wear skirts when we first met, but because i was trying to compromise and give him what he liked, i wear them at least 1-2 times  a week now).  we were bickering about this stupid stuff back and forth and the conversation escalated and he wound up saying just some mean things in general about 'women today want to stay home all day and not work and then complain about having to take care of the kids and house' and 'cleaning is ur job, the kids are your job -- you don't work outside the home' just in a mean way.  sometimes i complain when i get overwhelmed with housework (and I never ask him to do ANY housework).  sometimes he helps clean up dinner dishes, and last night he says, "I don't even feel like I should do THAT but I do it". 

He was just mean spirited and demeaning and i feel awful and we've not talked all day and i know he'll never apologize.  i just feel like its a hopeless case.

and i'm Christian and i don't want a divorce and screw my kids up == its not like hes abusive or cheats (and i'd like to point out that i'm a pretty good wife too -- he can go out with friends and do his thing--i'm not jealous or clingy) but i would love to see our relationship grow deeper and stronger.  i would love to be able to communicate without the meanness.

finally i've read some pretty horrible **** on this site about women who've got it way worse than me, so i know i shouldn't complain, but i just don't know what to do anymore.  i need to talk to someone in the same boat as me.

personaje personaje 31-35 6 Responses Sep 6, 2009

Your Response


i understand how you feel, everyone deserves a break. my husband thinks just because he works he doesnt have to do anything at home and that includes picking up his underware. Im in school to get a better career and to help out with bills so that we can live comfortable. we have three kids, two in school so in between running back and forth to school and picking up kids, doing house chores, laundry, helping with home work, cooking dinner...and it better be on time LOL, pressing his clothes, running around doing favors for his business, putting children to bed, trying to get 2hours of studying in, getting ready for the next day, while he wakes up the kids when he gets home becuz he wants to play with them and then he's too tired to put them back to bed so he leaves them up for me again, and OH YEAH be prepared for SEX even when im too tired to feed myself. whooo im tired just thinking of it all and i do this every day. He never asks me how was my day. I love him as a person but if I had so where to run away to I'd hide just to take a nap. It's been 6 years since I've had me time. I buy him flowers, clothes, a card but he never thinks of me that way I guess. I just bought him a new wedding band and he lost it in three days and i was sooo crushed because I was just thinking of him and I bought it to remind him that I love him. during love making its his way and if I say not tonight he takes it. I cry evry day and night. I'm so miserable. Good luck to u and I hope everything sorts out but I too really need a miracle.

oh, i wanted to add one more thing that i think is critical. i think that i consider what he said to be mean, because on some level i think he should be saying to me, "i love you just the way you are. you are beautiful, you are sexy". i feel as if i'm supposed to be some steppford wife or something.....making sure that i'm all dolled up when he arrives home. he kept harping on 'what is sexy', which implies he ain't feeling it with me. like i said, i feel like i try to put my best foot forward. i work out (for me -- not him -- he's never ever complained about my weight - i'm a size 10 now, was a size 8 when we met), i dress in what makes me feel good about me.

let me give you the best example. when we first met, i never ever wore skirts. just was never really my thing. however, he expressed how much he would like if if i did. so i now wear them quite often, and enjoy it too. but i wear a style that compliments my figure. walking around with my cellulite hanging out does not make me feel confident, so i will buy skirts that come just a few inches above the knee. instead of getting credit for that, or getting a compliment on them, i have to ask "did you notice the skirt?" and his reply is, "yeah, its nice. it could be a little shorter". so i went out a few weeks ago and bought some slutty mini. his reply? "it works". thats it. i didn't say anything....wore it again a few weeks response

i feel like why should i even try when i get no credit? anyway.....thats it. i'm heading to bed.

thanks for all the replies. in response to what some of you said, i'd like to clarify a few things that didn't occur to me until i read the responses.

first, he is a really really great dad. i mean never abusive or mean to the kids -- spends plenty of QT with them.

second, he does do work around the house - fixing things, he built a small addition, built the pool deck, takes care of most of the lawn work. when i say he does no housework, i mean rarely cleans toilets, vaccuum, or picks up after the kids. i don't even really care about that stuff, my one complaint here is that he pick up after himself a bit. so for him to say, "its your job and i don't even think i should help out as much as i do" was an insult to me. it demeaned and undermined the hard work that i do to keep the household running smoothly.

i told him one time, imaging going to work and getting lots done and then going back the next day and seeing all the work from the day before undone -- and you have to start it all again -- without so much as a "thank you" or "great job" from time to time.

i think his problem is that he is emotionally immature. he is reluctant to say that he is sorry b/c then it means that he was wrong. but i need a man's input here b/c thats only my own opinion. i am not a man, and i just don't get them sometimes. could he possibly think that his harshness was ok? does he just assume that i'm like a man and the things he said (although SOMEWHAT factual) were mean and insensitive???

there is a myth outthere that if you tell your partner (or anyone else for that matter) what you need/want/expect from them, that they will automatically try to fulfill that request or even be willing to compromise/negotiate in order to get one of their needs met. but it doesn't seem to be the case with him. i think men (SOME NOT ALL) try to avoid doing the emotional work in a marriage until the threat of losing the wife become real.

as far as in the bedroom, i am not afraid to ask for what i want, and in that department, things are ok. in fact, i'm the one who wishes that he was more verbal and would take charge more, because i feel like i have to take the lead or be the dominant one in bed. on a scale from 1-10 with sex, i'd say its like a 7 1/2 on a bad day and a 8 1/2 on a great day.

as far as having my own goals/work etc, i finished my bachelors about a year ago, so for 5 out of the 10 years we've been together, i was busy with school. i also worked part time, until i had my 2nd child. through that process, i've really come to know who I am and i think that i'm a pretty well-rounded person.

and to address randombloke -- what i mean is that he is indirectly saying that i do not dress sexy enough, by saying what is sexy. he wouldn't have to tell me what it means to dress sexy, if i was already doing it. and believe me, i've asked him straight up what he thinks, what he feels, etc. besides that, i've known this man for 10 years and sometimes its what you don't say that is loudest of all.

i broke it down like this. on a scale of 1-10, he is:

provider: 10

father: 10

friend: 9

supporter of my endeavors: 9

romantic: 3

intimacy: 3

sensitivity: 2

let me end it like this: i have no problem addressing any concerns he has in the relationship. i just wish that he could do the same in a calm, non mean way. i wish that he had the maturity to be able to apologize when he is harsh. i've expressed all of this to him ad nauseum, so its frustrating and i get hopeless that he will change. he refuses to go to a counselor and it seems that only time he seems even remotely into working on our issues, is when i'm being distant and cold (which is hard for me). that in itself is messed up. i guess it has to do with men being 'dragon-slayers' and all that jazz.

anyway thanks for listening.

What does he expect, for you to dress like a hoochie mama all the time? You have kids for heaven's sake! You have to set an example.

What do you mean, he never helps with the housework? I've never been married, but all my life my father worked around the house constantly - landscaping the yard, mowing the grass, washing the cars, changing the oil in the cars, painting the house, cleaning out the gutters, fixing things. Now that he's retired he goes to the grocery store and does laundry.

And my mother had us kids cleaning up the kitchen after dinner starting when I was about 6 or 7 years old...we would rotate nights...there were three of us. Are your kids old enough to start training to clean up? We vacuumed our own rooms, set the table for dinner, helped with laundry, took out the garbage, helped when it was time to clean the basement or garage. You should not be the only one doing these things, unless your kids are too young.

Men don't realize that it is very endearing and sexy if they help around the house. It takes a lot of time and energy to run a household.

Now, about your feelings towards your body. Change this! You are a sexy, beautiful woman IF you feel that way about yourself. Like I said, I've never been married, but I've been in a lot of long-term relationships, and I've learned that I have to turn myself on and stop expecting the man to do everything sexually. Take charge in the bedroom, surprise him and get what you want from him sexually...make him feel used if you have to. I mean, just have fun with it. Boss him around a little bit. ***** for him, even if you have to get a little drunk first. Ooops, I'm sorry, I just remembered you said you are Christian, so I hope that doesn't offend you. I remember hearing a minister say that one of the most important things in a relationship is lingerie. Also I once had a church-going boyfriend who said "Sex isn't fun if it isn't a little dirty." That's just the way it is with us humans.

And he is human. And I bet he feels bad about the things he said. But some men just can't apologize. That's why we have GIRL friends to talk to this stuff about.

And as for being a stay-at-home mom, good for you and your kids. You are blessed to be able to do this. But what if you considered a job or career of some kind as they grow older? My mom worked and she enjoyed herself immensely even though it wasn't a career - just worked at a bowling alley and then later at a gift shop. She had fun and made a little money and most importantly, got some much-needed social contact with women her age and other people too.

Good luck with your husband. He may learn to apologize one day but don't hold your breath!

oh hon, this is not right. you deserve a happy life. you should be with someone who encourages you. your hubands behaviour is NOT OK. you should be partners and if you canĀ“t have a real conversation about feelings etc and a give and take with your partner then what is it all for? we all need to communicate and share, especialyy with those closest to us.

I hope things changes for you. take care

First off "demeaning you' is abusive,

he is Selfish by the sounds off it, a marrage is a partnership,so is parenting, so what if "he works all day', "mum's work all day too'"!! , the kids don't 'watch themself's', the 'house doesn't clean itself', the Dinner doesn't cook itself' ,

O M Gosh tell him to wake up and get areality check'!