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Ever Since He Got Back From Iraq

Long story short, while he was deployed at some point he got shot at and blown up, was thrown and violently hit his head. He was diagnosed with TBI on top of PTSD. When he hit his head it triggered something in his brain and the end result was him having a short temper. Now he was deployed in 2008, 2 years before we met so I didn't know him of course. According to him and his family he always had somewhat of a temper but it rarely showed. He was always calm, cool, and collected and let so many things slide. Ever since he hit his head he became irritated quickly and lost his temper quite often. He has since calmed down a little and is working on it (though at times it doesn't feel like it) but in my view, as someone who is extremely laid back, it is still there. He admits to it and SOMETIMES apologizes.

When we were dating he told me he was working on it and that he has actually come a long way. When he told me that I thought, damn, he must have been a monster and he admitted that he kind of was, especially when it came to women. No, he hasn't physically abused anyone but he had been little more than disrespectful to a few ladies in the past. It kind of pushed me back but the fact that he was being honest about it early on, even before we started dating and just "talking" had me thinking that he was maturing and wanted to better himself as a person. In fact, the only reason why I gave him a chance is because he was working on it. I'm way too easygoing with a peaceful life to allow any hot tempered idiots in my life. I've ended friendships with people who cannot seem to stay happy or if they did, things irritated them too much and they lost it. Don't deal with that, **** no. But I don't know... with him it just seemed different. Probably because I didn't fully understand and that we were long distance so I didn't get the brunt of his temper. Yes there were times when somebody pissed him off and he'd call me in a ****** mood. Or he'd call me to vent about someone that irritated him at work...for reasons the average person wouldn't let bother them but me being the kind person I am I just listened. That's all he needed, was for me to listen, not judge.

There were times, however when I thought, "wow seriously, you let that **** you off? Damn." Now that we're married I voice my opinions more but I still know when to keep my mouth shut and just let him fight it out on his own and try not to get pulled into his awful moods. I try not to let it affect me but like the other night he got off of work at 11pm and stomped around our apartment, throwing his things around before going to bed without saying a word to me besides snapping at me to dump our laundry on the bed. It irritated me which I hate. I hate it when he pulls me down with him which unfortunately happens more often than not but fortunately I bounce back quickly. And you know what the silly thing is, so does he. At times he appears to be bi-polar which can get pretty funny. Actually watching him freak out sometimes has me biting back laughter or a smile. His language gets colorful (more than usual) and just the way he speaks. Those times I just want to hug him and tell him everything's alright but that wouldn't be well received so I just sit there and nod my head while he goes off about the "next ************ who ******* ****** him off will get ****** up." See, doesn't that just make you smile? Just imagine a 6'2 red-faced man decked out in army fatigues saying that while throwing his boots off into the closet. God, I love him. But anyway...

There are moments when I fight back and get angry and he spits back that he has anger problems. It's those times that it makes me feel like he is using that as an excuse to be ******. I understand he's been through a lot and is often frustrated with himself--especially since he stutters and with his brain injury has progressively gotten worse--but the "I have TBI, I'm trying" excuse will only work for so long. I have feelings too and sometimes they don't want to accept that. Luckily I'm patient for the most part and according to him I actually calm him down by just being quiet and listening to him so I'm positive that he will recover 100% in the future. I don't know what he was like before and just going by word of mouth from him and his brothers but he is what he is by no fault of his own and I will be right there beside him. Unless he gets abusive of course, and he and I have already talked about that with him. He told me if he ever lays a hand on me then to leave him. I let him know that abuse is not just physical but verbal as well and told him to watch it. He admits to having a tendency to say things he does not mean when he gets angry so the best bet is to leave him alone. Was easier to do when we were 170 miles apart and he would just hang up the phone and go driving but now we are in a one bedroom apartment...one of us just has to hang out in the living room and the other in the bedroom for a while...which has worked so far. We have been living together almost 2 months and married almost 3 weeks so of course there is a lot of room to make mistakes and get angry with one another but I am happy with him. He's a little rough around the edges but he is a good man. We're both young at 23 so of course tempers will fly as we're still growing as individuals and we'll both be there to help each other out.
lucifette lucifette 22-25, F 3 Responses Jul 28, 2011

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I was at Anaconda in 07-08. So I know what he's dealing with. I hope he's getting help through the VA

Yes definitely patience is something we need to hold on to! External factors can also aggravate anger problems so his family issues may have something to do with it. Thanks for understanding.

It sounds like we have similar relationship dynamics. Of course mine didn't have a brain injury. I kinda wish at times it was that simple. But with family issues from birth, things can get a lot more complicated. My husband was adopted. His mom loved him dearly and died tragically 6 years ago. His father, whom we live with due to his health, doesn't seem to care about him at all. I guess that have something to do with it? Anyways, yeah...patience with us as wives is essential!