The Cages And Doors Inside My Heart.

I have fears.enough fears to drive a less tolerable person insane.I have a fear of my own self.I kind of think of my feelings as different versions of me in separated cages.My happy cheerful self rarely comes out.she has a twin, a hologram of her.a mere shadow of the happiness that once led her to the outside me.showing herself through the less-than-rare smiles.When i had relevant dreams, a purpose, she would come out a lot.that happened until 4th grade.Everyone expected too much of me.the smiles and laughter were too much for her and she built a fake her.a sort of robotic emotion.the robot her is so much more active than her.always there pushing its creator back down.My other emotions(for example depression and hate)egg it on, convincing happiness that she is not needed.I need her though.I hold the key to every caged feeling in my heart.For some reason though...i cant seem to be able to bring myself to let happiness out.Its the same way for love.That is because EVERY SINGLE TIME i let them out and i think its safe, some jackass comes along and royally ***** them up and they run back to their cages, begging me to put them out of their misery.It hurts my heart.I die inside every time tells me how smart i am, how special. Cuz i can tell.their eyes flash and i uncover their lies. Leaving only tears on the path i used to walk.The emotion i am the most afraid of is not an emotion in a sense.it is a feeling.she, is the crazy me.She does not live in a cage like the others, but a door adorned in my tortured feelings.a terrifyingly dark, truthfull door feeding off of my pain and suffering.In other words, something of a nightmare for me to handle.The door also has a special lock that comes with a special key.the key is sort of ancient looking.like it was handed down to me.Like it has been used before.I have only once looked through the keyhole of that door.What i saw there i think i shall never forget as long as i may live.She was crying,or, i was crying and she looked up at me and ooooooh god...ohgodohgodohgod...she smiled at me.her features distorted,a monster.It was a while before i came to the conclusion that that THING down there wasnt a stranger.That thing down there was me.ME.we all have a side to us that we want to keep locked.One day though it will certainly break through the surface.I almost have no doubt about this.It scares me SO MUCH.When the time comes and it breaks through it will will kill me and take the keys.It will unlock them all,eat those said feelings.And all hell will break loose.Another feeling i hate is, well, my hate.she does not give ONE FLYING **** what will happen if she does something.She also takes the keys from me sometimes.One time she came close to opening the crazy door.But what she saw in there,whatever it was, set her straight.She is more solem now but if you even MUTTER that things name she panics.She will sob and cry.So whenever im mad at my mom and she says im crazy, i cry.i cry until im a tear soaked piece of crap(which is exactly what i feel like at moments like that) at one time in my life i decided crying was stupid.So now every time i wanna cry, i do it on the inside.unless it hurts so much it overflows.it makes me die a little bit inside when stuff like that happens.That is what loosens the hinges on the crazy door.She is thirsting to come out.When he does though.I do NOT envy the people who cross her path first.I guess that all then...bye.Watch out for your crazy.she might be closer than you think.
Lorelie1 Lorelie1
13-15, F
Jan 12, 2013