Only Just Began.

I have only just identified that i am, but i feel like i am a man, in a woman's body.
But im constaly doubting  myself,  from early memories, i always wanted to dress like a boy, when i was about 5-6 i wated to have short hair like my fried (a boy).
I liked boys toys.
But that's just gender isn't that just stereo-typing?... im not sure..i think that it could be that its just because i only felt comfortable in boys clothes, and [laying with boys toys.
As for my sexuality..i like girls..but i don't like lesbians.
I like straight girls, and i all i wanna do is look after them, be there protector, like a man?..

I find it hard to look at my vagina, although i was so used to it..i didnt see that as a problem until i watched a documentary on a transgender person. And they said 'i cant look at my genitals .. because its like a reminder its there' and i thought YES!... that's why ive never been comfortable with it, i never like wearing sanitary towels..
I buy a t shirt, and i picture myself wearing it..but without breasts. If i look at myself in something..i wish my breast were not there.
Its hard to explain..its not that i think its  horrible body its just not mine. And i cant be myself in it. I cant act the way i wanna act..because to me..its just isn't right. Im still very confused. But this is a step im writing down how i feel. I just need someone to say yeah that makes sense.
I can be feminine...but in this day and age what man isn't?...i feel sometimes i am both sex's, and isn't that a good thing? not many people get to be both,but i just want to be one, i just want to be a man..and normal man nothing special, not that girl who wears mens clothes...or a lesbian...i just want to be who i am. I and i feel i that's who i am.

I did tell my mum my feelings...and she shot them down. and for a wile i believed what she was saying...she just said you are androgynous and the world isnt ready for people like you yet...and that kind of made me feel better,i told myself okay i can just be both...but tbh..its just too much. I cant do it...i cant have both off these feeling anymore. I just want to be one.  

But is that material to be like that?...i am a believer in looks don't matter?...but i just cant help it..i just want to look like a man! ...i wish i could just be a normal girl. I wish i could just forget this...i wish i never watched that ******* documentary...but ever since i did..i cant stop think about it. 
Scruffyscruffbag Scruffyscruffbag
May 11, 2012