Tears

I am a sexual abuse survivor. I may be a survivor but it is something that I will never forget as long as I live. I don't think it is something you ever really forget, or at least for me it isn't  - even after my molester is dead.  I just don't let it rule my world because if I did it would destroy me.

I know this song is about the break up of a relationship but for me when I hear it I think about what happened to me and how far past it I have come in the many years since that time. I dance on his grave every chance I get when I go back to my hometown. I am a survivor and I am alive and I hope he is burning in hell.



 

 

fungirlmmm fungirlmmm
46-50, F
13 Responses Feb 27, 2010

I know exactly what you mean. Everything.<br />
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*hugs*

You was shy with me because we share some experiences?

I am sorry. I did not know. You have always seemed a bright, vibrant, sexy lady in my dealings with you.

Okay Ar. I am here for you but now you know why I get quiet in some of our conversations. Now that it is out there I will be able to be more open with you. <br />
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Thanks Stony. I am really okay. I am so much better than I used to be.

I am sorry. There is nothing else I can say.

There are only a few things i am having a very hard time trying to figure out.

Over thirty years ago and I still carry those memories and sometime I remember those instead of the great times I had as a kid. I had parents and they had no clue.<br />
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Feel free to ask whatever you need to ask Ar. I have told you I am an open book for my friends. Something weird is that I think I am attracted to our friendship because I know that you know firsthand the mental side of it and so many of the things you tell me I will be like oh hell I have thought that in the past.

I was never sexually abused, but i relate to something you said in that.

Wow I don't know which would be worse. I think it is equal because both are a violation of trust. It is hard to live with being a sexually abused child because you don't really know what sex is and you know it is something wrong but you don't understand what is wrong because again you don't know what sex is yet. You add to that the mental abuse and threats to hurt you and others if you tell and it messes with you on so many levels. I think as you get older as a kid you realize that something really nasty is happening. I still have times when I get in the shower and cry and scrub and sometimes I scrub skin from my body until I bleed and still do not feel clean. I don't normally do this when I am in a relationship with a person I trust deeply. I am not sure why. Maybe it is that I think I am protected.

You know my past and how it was, but i never experienced sexual abuse. I have experienced just about every other kind of abuse, but is this kind the worst?

Sure Ar.. Go ahead.<br />
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Thanks Patch!

I am sorry it happened to you, but so proud of you for surviving!!

Would it be okay if i asked a question on this?