Upside Down

Hi my name is Kathlene and I am writing to share my story or I should say journey with Bi-Polar disorder.  When I was 15 I started showing signs and symptoms.  I knew something was wrong but everybody in my life thought I was just being rebellious.  Because of this disorder I haven't been able to finish anything.  That includes relationships, being a mom, work.  I have only been able to keep a job for as long as 2 years.  I have been married 4 times, the longest marriage was 7 years, work I have only been able to accumulate 2 years at one job.  Because of my disorder my children left when they were adolescents.  I am now almost 51 and I am trying to pick up the pieces.  My doctor has decided to put me back on lithium and serequel, it seems to be working, I am actually seeking employment.  I have been on disability since 1997, I just haven't been able to work.  Since the year 1990 when I first went into treatment for alcohol dependence, I've been in and out of several mental hospitals.  I have had ECT treatments, and I have been in several state hospitals.  I should say they were not pleasant experiences.  I also have been in jail 4 times, my longest stint was for 25 days of hell.  I now have been out of the hospital for 8 months, that's quite a fete for me.  My children are now grown and we seem to be mending fences.  I must say that my family does not trust me, it's like they are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have attempted suicide several times and almost succeeded once.  I do not like my life and I feel like a failure.  I live alone now because I can't tolerate living with others and they can't tolerate me.  I have a strong sense of God and worship him on a daily basis and I give glory to his Son Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I don't understand why I am here or alive, I don't seem to contribute anything to society. I am not happy with this disorder, but I have to live with it and carry on.  Everyday is a challenge but I persevere.  I will continue on day by day and stay mindful of my recovery.  Hey!!! Thanks for listening, whoever you are.
hensonkathlene hensonkathlene
51-55, F
4 Responses Jul 30, 2010

Im listening to, and am here if you need to talk or rant or whatever :)

I find that taking abilify wit prozac both controls my bipoar phases and keeps me in good spirits. I recommend this therapy for you. I am also in recovery, since June 1, 2006. Good luck witheverything.

'a drunken, moody forklift driver to a nursing student' thats my quote of the is too damn complicated it really is...good luck to all of you...

I was listening. And your story matches mine in many ways: the alcoholism, jail stays (mostly for traffic offences), broken relationships, unemployment, you know the drill becuase you've been through it. The one thing that I can suggest to you is that you never stop giving yourself a chance: find something you like to do and do it. Take things on a "one day at a time" basis. I went from being a drunken, moody forklift driver to a nursing student in the short space of six years. You never know what might come down the pike for you: expect good things and by and large you will get good things.