Sleepless Crashes

My history with mental illness is long, drawn out, and very complicated but something is on my mind tonight & I need to vent a bit so I'm starting off with a random bit. A general synopsis of my issues is that I have depression anxiety self esteem self harm and trauma issues likely mostly stemming from childhood trauma, I had a lot done to me by peers that did a lot of damage. I also have a lot of little symptoms & quirks that look like symptoms from many different conditions & mental illnesses, I have some things that feel vaguely autistic to me -this is coming from observing my autistic friends & is no way meant to be offensive, it's just the closest match to certain traits I have that I can come up with as a brief description- but I'm very much a social person, there was some speculation on me having a personality disorder after my last psych ward stay, and I was diagnosed as bipolar from that last stay until recently. Which is what is up, my depression & anxiety mix in some very interesting ways, about half the time when my depression crashes me my anxiety will kick in & I'll feel energized & worse, like when you listen to a fast paced depressing song & I'll usually turn on music like that. With my meds such crashes are rare but sleep & stress are the perfect storm to bring one on, too much stress & too little sleep and I'll stress right into a crash spiral which ends either with me blocking it off or finding something to relieve stress like buying something fun. I haven't hit one for months which is good & reasonable being in intense therapy & all, but with my 2 new jobs it went there. I do second shift pizza delivery & day shift cashiering both part time & at 2 separate places, the 2nd shift job started first & generated nightmares killing sleep so even after a day off I was dead on my feet starting my other job & trying to iron out schedule issues with both & I back to back them tomorrow. Naturally I hit a point after work & turned on Linkin Park & became super bitchy with bad memories starting to break through. Well that's my rant for the day, hope that makes sense & if someone recognizes that mess & has ideas le me know.
Windfox Windfox
22-25, F
May 11, 2011