Depression Rules My Life.....

Hi to all!!! Ever since I was a child, I have always had low self-esteem feelings. I never felt I was as cool or good looking as my peers. I would tell myself "you're a loser and you'll never have a cute girlfriend or have lots of friends; just curl up and die!!!" I pretty much kept to myself and suffered in silence. My parents never were involved in my life a lot, they just did what a lot of parents did: they only noticed me when I did something wrong and whipped my butt til I screamed in pain. I went through school and did fairly well until my last two years of high school, when I had been introduced to pot and booze. Well now when I was high or drunk or both I didn't care about anything or anyone. I really was in a haze of drugs and alcohol, but at least I didn't have to feel sad and pitiful; I didn't have to feel anything!! Then my father died suddenly on Christmas Eve, 1987 and my world just ended for me. At this time or so I was asked to "just try this, it'll make you feel great!" Well what I ended up trying was heroin and it made me feel numb which was great to me. I quickly learned the more I used the more numb I felt...Went through a lot of doctors and psychiatrists who just wrote me off as a drug addict, period. I tried to tell them that it was more than the drugs, it was the emptiness inside me that made me do drugs in the first place, but it was falling on deaf ears. I recently got some clean time behind me, and I thought my feelings would improve over time, but I felt the same loneliness, sadness, and hopelessness I've always felt. I was prescribed Zoloft and when that had no negligible effect they added Abilify to the Zoloft. I still feel exactly the same as I felt as a child; that I wouldn't amount to anything and I was destined to be a homeless addict bum living on the streets. I really wish I could find a solution to these feelings other than the "Final Solution", which is never far from my mind....Maybe talking to others who can identify with my story can be of some help, and if in the process I can be of help to someone else, it would make me feel better about myself. Thanks for letting me vent!!
AddictDave AddictDave
41-45, M
1 Response Jul 9, 2011

you just said what i feel exactly im 26, what is the solution ?