Four Purple Walls, 8x10 Cage

Anxiety, it strikes at any moment and sends the heart into a doomed panic. All you can think about is being doomed and the sinking feeling that you need to go somewhere, anywhere to be safe, safe from what? You don't know neither do you care but you just need to run. Maybe waiting it out will be ok as the hours tick on and the clamp on your heart grows tighter and tighter though it's not a heart attack you wish it was since you don't want to go through this horrid pain anymore. Pills, pills, and more pills, sedatives, tranquilizers, anything to stop the doom and finally when your mind is knocked out into sleep does the pain stop. Though it's always there nagging at you, your triggers won't stop following you. The people, family members, words, situations, stress. Anything and everything sets you off.
No one understands this feeling so it's hard to find friends or lovers who aren't scared of this fact or accepting of it's reality. All I have now is SSI and the internet as my window to the rest of the world and a way for me to make money. I was tossed out of my job for my anxiety getting in the way and causing me intense physical pain all through my body making me paralyzed. The other job quietly let me go on the grounds that we all thought it was for the best since even my eyesight was affected.
Only 20 and I still have no friends because of it. Not only because of that but because I'm on SSI it's not my fault that I have this it's merely genetic and I got the brunt end of the stick. People can't put themselves in my shoes or understand how hard it is for me to do just about everything without a heavy dose of pills and if I don't have it their is no use.
I shouldn't be looked down on because I have to use aid, I shouldn't be looked down on because of my mental hangups, I shouldn't be counted out of having a boyfriend because I don't live in an apartment or have a job.
If only they could see these four purple walls and sit in this cage to live the way I do and feel the same emotions or even go through the intense experiences I have had throughout my life then maybe I won't be looked down on again.
Till then it's just me and this 8X10 cage.
LilletBlan LilletBlan
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2012

Sorry to hear that you are feeling alone--but you must know that you aren't! There are so many people who are experiencing the same type of alienation that you are suffering from right now. I know it doesn't really help that much but at least know that if you need someone to talk to you can always send me a message :) An online friend is almost as good as a irl one! <br />
<br />
I would be in your shoes if I wasn't forced out into the world by my parents when I was a teenager and somehow ended up meeting a few people that were a bit like myself...Now I am living with my partner and our two children and although I have no friends besides them it just has to do--that is just the way it is.<br />
<br />
Anxiety sucks and although I have dealt with it a little in my life it isn't one of my main problems. Anxiety meds can help if you are on the right one and the right dosage...I know it sounds lame but when I feel myself slipping and start feeling panicky I paint--I can just fall inside the painting and escape from my problems for a while...<br />
<br />
I am also on SSI and my partner who is also disabled (physically in his case) only gets a few dollars a month from disability insurance so I also know how you feel in that respect--people look down on us because we aren't like them. They believe we are living the life of Riley and not having a care in the world when in reality if they had to spend a few days in our shoes they might not deal with it as well as we do ;P<br />
<br />
I'm sure you will find a boyfriend--there really is someone for everyone out there! So for now try to make the best of things and be proud of yourself for doing as well as you are :D Like I said--if you need to talk just send me a message!