Four Purple Walls, 8x10 CageAnxiety, it strikes at any moment and sends the heart into a doomed panic. All you can think about is being doomed and the sinking feeling that you need to go somewhere, anywhere to be safe, safe from what? You don't know neither do you care but you just need to run. Maybe waiting it out will be ok as the hours tick on and the clamp on your heart grows tighter and tighter though it's not a heart attack you wish it was since you don't want to go through this horrid pain anymore. Pills, pills, and more pills, sedatives, tranquilizers, anything to stop the doom and finally when your mind is knocked out into sleep does the pain stop. Though it's always there nagging at you, your triggers won't stop following you. The people, family members, words, situations, stress. Anything and everything sets you off.
No one understands this feeling so it's hard to find friends or lovers who aren't scared of this fact or accepting of it's reality. All I have now is SSI and the internet as my window to the rest of the world and a way for me to make money. I was tossed out of my job for my anxiety getting in the way and causing me intense physical pain all through my body making me paralyzed. The other job quietly let me go on the grounds that we all thought it was for the best since even my eyesight was affected.
Only 20 and I still have no friends because of it. Not only because of that but because I'm on SSI it's not my fault that I have this it's merely genetic and I got the brunt end of the stick. People can't put themselves in my shoes or understand how hard it is for me to do just about everything without a heavy dose of pills and if I don't have it their is no use.
I shouldn't be looked down on because I have to use aid, I shouldn't be looked down on because of my mental hangups, I shouldn't be counted out of having a boyfriend because I don't live in an apartment or have a job.
If only they could see these four purple walls and sit in this cage to live the way I do and feel the same emotions or even go through the intense experiences I have had throughout my life then maybe I won't be looked down on again.
Till then it's just me and this 8X10 cage.