My Problems With My Mental Illness Child To Adult.

I was born into a strange family... Ever since I could remember my mother always said she was psychic... Also when I was young I would see and hear people others couldn't some would comfort me and tell me I was a good girl, others would tell me I was a horrible person and say they were going to hurt me. I told my parents about both the good and the bad people and they told me that I was just seeing and hearing ghosts... And that the good ghosts would protect me from the bad ghosts. Well I believed them and for years I lived with this... After awhile in school my teachers noticed I had problems and I was sent to a hospital for children with mental illness and my mother got mad, not at me but at the school... They gave me medicines for my hallucinations, my mother was told about this and one time when she was talking to me she said the medicines were to take away my special powers to speak to the dead. I believed this and I started to pretend to take my medicines I would put them in my mouth and act like I swallowed them but I'd hide them in my cheeks and then spit them out when no one was looking. Well after awhile I got smart so to speak and behaved like a nice little girl and acted like I didn't have hallucinations, and then I was sent home. Then the hallucinations slowly faded until I just heard voices at night when I was going to sleep. Also for the most part even when I heard the voices growing up I would ignore the bad ones unless they really scared me. I grew up with a lot of other problems besides my mental illness but I wont go into them unless anyone asks. After awhile I met the man I would marry... We met online and then met in person we instantly liked each other... Shortly after we started living together I started hearing voices and seeing things again, it was a little girl this time she told me that this was all just a dream and I had to commit suicide to wake up, well that time instead of doing it I told my husband about the voice and he made sure I got help... Shortly after that I got an illness that gave me amnesia, and I forgot getting married... And also the voices came back even harder then before, they worked their way around my medicines and I kept doing as they told me and tried to commit suicide 9 times in 10 years. I also have troubles where I can feel things, like sometimes I see sharp spikes on the floor and when I step on them I can feel the pain in my feet... People wonder why I can't walk around normally sometimes. I've been hospitalized many times for suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts in the last 4 years. My husband left me due to the fact that I've been trying to commit suicide to much. Sadly I'm now with my mother again. Though now she realizes I have a mental illness, my dad on the other hand things I'm special, he says that a demon is telling me to commit suicide. I'm on medicines right now but sadly over the last 4 years they have been changed a lot since they stop working shortly after I get them.

Also I would like to add I want to become a therapist because I love lending and ear and giving advice to those who need it. So talk to me or add me as a friend if this story doesn't scare you away from me. Sorry for such a long post.
Eemeena Eemeena
3 Responses Feb 25, 2012

You should look into being a peer counselor. Many in-patient and out-patient programs are using this approach. I have a friend who is a peer counselor and she says it really helps her to talk to the different people every day and know that she is helping them. Just a thought.

I congratulate you on your fearless confession of a diagnosis with such stigma attached to it. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of; rather something to be proud to be battling. It never goes away- with or without medicine- unfortunately, you are your mental illness. It is a part of you, and something that you have to learn to accept and embrace. Although, I have never heard any voices and cannot really relate to your specific troubles, I do have my own 'issues.' I have been in therapy since I was a small girl, having never been able to relax. Constant and persistent thoughts about nearly everything crowd my mind and body. My physical symptoms of the severe anxiety reminds me of your reference to the pain of the hallucinated spiked floors. Much the same, my anxious filled mind causes psychical symptoms everyday, all day. My appetite fluctuates, but boarders on nonexistent. My skin burns and itches. My lips go numb. And my personal favorite, I shake. My anxiety causes me to shake sometimes. It is very noticeable, and I feel like a crazy person when people notice. Living everyday with a half clear mind is daunting. In the times when I am not anxious, I am preparing for the next bout. This leaves me fragile, helpless, down, and worst of all frightened for what might happen next....and when. Then their are the panic attacks. I can't decide if they are better or worse than my everyday GAD. On the one hand, panic attacks feel like death. Like a heart attack- beating heart, unable to see, breath, think, walk, talk, and act as a normal human being. But they also go away. My GAD does not ever go away. Ever. My thoughts torment me; I fixate on details, and unable to let things go or free spitr go on a road trip. I feel the general queasiness in my stomach that tells me something is wrong- all the time. My heart beats fast. I cannot turn my mind off. Cannot stop thinking, worrying, wondering about friends, family, bills, my career, future, love, kids, and then heres the kicker; my anxiety. I literally worry about worrying. I have to take medicine in anticipation for my anxiety. Like you said, who knows if the medicine really works. They all seem to at first, but at some point you get lost in who you were (with mental illness), who you are with medication, and if they are at all who you think you are. I hate that I cannot control my thoughts and worries. I hate more that I cannot just stand up to my anxiety and conquer it- as I have tried time after time. Unfortunately it does not work that way. Which is why it is extremely important (I think) to be in therapy. Talking about things/ feelings/ problems/ joys, anything with another unbiased person is invaluable help in and of itself. This is where I agree with you- I would also love to continue on to my Master of Clinical Psychology and begin to see patients and try to help. I understand how so many people feel and want to be able to help others like myself and like you.

I'm sorry to hear about all your struggles. It can be hard to go through this alone, and scarey at times. What did the doctors diagnois you with? Have the medications helped you at all? I have a friend that goes through similar experiences, and her medication doesn't seem to help, and makes her very depressed. She was always normal and did not experience any mental illness until her early 30's.She's having a very difficult time. Any advice would be appreciated.