Say Hello To My Little Friend.


I have a friend. Well, he’s not a friend exactly. More of an unruly houseguest who always overstays his welcome. Never announces he’s coming. Always leaves the place a mess. His name is depression, & he’s a pain in the arse.

In fact, I wish I could **** him off entirely. But unfortunately, due to my brain’s clumsy approach to biochemistry (I was never good at maths - clearly the neurons in charge of making my serotonin aren’t either) & a heady mix of social & psychological factors, he’s usually hovering somewhere in the background, like some evil & unfunny photobomber, even when he’s not on an official house call.

To put it mildly, he’s a *****. He’s made me cry. He’s made me hate myself. He sucks the energy from my limbs & the concentration from my head. He’s made me lie in bed for days, unwashed, uninterested in food, sex, friends, family, while my mind rides a horrible carousel of self-repraoch & despair; a slowly spinning circle of negative thoughts with no off switch & no clear exit. Bills go unpaid, dishes go unwashed, phone calls go unanswered. The rest of the world slips away & it’s only him & me. Or, really, zombie-me. Smelly, slow-moving, hardly capable of speech. Moaning quietly to myself & probably wearing last week’s pyjamas.

Sometimes there will be an event heralding his arrival. A break-up. Job stress. A big blinking neon sign over the door to batten down the hatches because there’s some fresh hell on the way. Sometimes it seems there’s not much at all that brings him around. He’s a bully after all. The foot that sticks out & trips me up even when I thought everything was going along OK. Before I know it I’m flat on my face again. Unable to pull myself up. Sometimes unable even to cry for help.

As I’ve gotten older i’ve gotten better at monitoring his approach; better at barring the way before he can get his foot in the door. i’ve set up a sort of internal neighbourhood watch scheme for errant mental disorders, where eternal vigilance is the price of not feeling ******. So I keep an eye out for early symptoms & try to get a jump on them when I can. Mostly it’s the boring stuff that helps; the kind of things you should be doing all the time, but somehow seem to slip off the to-do list when you’re head-down, bum-up living life. Exercise. A well-balanced diet. Going to bed at the same time every night. Seeing friends. Getting fresh air. Smiling & laughing & doing good.

But my magic bullets don’t work every time. & then heavier artillery is needed to send him packing. So I lob little white pills at him, shut my eyes & hope he goes away. It isn’t always an instant victory. but so far I’ve had more wins than losses. The losses seem to drag on for bloody ever, though. Until they don’t. Until my little bodysnatching friend finally gets the message that he’s not welcome & leaves me alone for a while.

Like some horror movie phantom, he needs to be ousted again & again. But the interludes between his visits keep getting longer & I am getting better at being my own Buffy - slaying this personal demon & sending him packing every time. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to bury him completely. Maybe one day I’ll be able to dance on his grave. Until then, I’ll ride the highs & the lows, appreciating the good times & knowing the bad ones can’t last forever. i am bigger & stronger than him. He just doesn’t know it yet.
blehtolife blehtolife
22-25, F
19 Responses Mar 25, 2012

I suffered a severe bout of depression after my divorce. Like you, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and make the world go away, but I couldn't because I had to work long hours and care for my children. So I would just drag on through each day. A friend suggested that I start meditating because it had helped her overcome her bouts of depression. I didn't want to have to start taking medication because of all of its side affects so I looked into meditation and started practicing it. It made a huge difference for me and pulled me out of the slump I had been in for months.

Different things work for different people. All I can do is suggest that those who suffer from depression keep trying to find ways to kick that body snatcher out of their life.

You so accurately and concisely described the hell that people with depression can live in. Even when I know it is coming on, I am helpless to stop its unwelcome encroachment into my life. I hope the meds work for you and as you grow older your mechanisms for shutting your unwelcome guest outside work better. Even at my age, I can't all the time steer Mr Blues away from me, but that is because I don't take the meds. Please don't avoid them as I do. You are young and beautiful with life awaiting you...Take care, and know there are people who share your malady and care.

great story and well-written. amazing how disorganized the thoughts can be in our head when depressed, and then still, can put it all down cohesively on the page.
You have been blessed with beauty and a great smile. I find that it helps me greatly to help others. Having that kind of purpose trumps whatever i'm feeling, usually. You seem to be somebody very gifted, and could make the lives of others so much better. Hang in there, even when you don't want to!

Precisely why I'm starting my nursing degree next semester ;) You know what they say, " a life lived for others is a life worth living"... Or something like that heh.
Thanks *blushing*

This is so remarkably well written and well stated.
*Hands you the gold medal for the catagory of "Nail on the Head, (Hitting)"

I have lived with bipolar disorder my entire life, but was only diagnosed a few years ago. He hasn't come alone, though....oh, no. Dare I say, he's brought friends. Type 2 Manic depression, borderline personality disorder and hypersexuality are just a few of my favorites.

I have made efforts to express the things I feel when the depression comes a'callin', but have always fallen short.

You, though...well, you've just summed it all up perfectly.

Thank you for that.


I am so sorry you suffer because of mental illness.Where as I have never experienced anything like what you have i do sympathize with you and feel for you.I can only imagine how debilitating it is to deal with such a horrible thing.
I do hope that as time goes you will get better and better.I wish you well and hope you keep sharing your stories.You write very well and you are very insightful young lady.Thank you,glad i came upon your profile., you're one of the few people i know of who is sympathetic about depression when they have never suffered from it - you're a rare breed!
Since writing this, I got so much better - I felt amazing. I didn't understand how I could ever have felt the way I did when I was depressed, coz life's pretty darn good. & then one of my mates died...& Depression's back, but this time he's brought his good buddy Anxiety along too.

I am glad you feel better and I hope you continue to get and stay better.Thank you for such nice words too,that makes me feel good.
I think having a friend to share the ups and downs with is something that can make a difference and of course medications help too.Anytime I can help I am here for you.

I've spent nearly the past 3 months with out any real social interaction, and as a person with anxiety..depression isn't too far off for me when i'm isolated. Although after feeling like that for so long the sadness turns to apathy. The physically painful depression stops after a while and you just become numb.

A healthy diet, and exercise used to help when i was younger, but after it became my everyday life it doesn't do much for me in terms of ridding how i feel except in the moment. But i could be worse off.

This was beautifully written by the way.

Anxiety is a ***** - I currently suffer with it, & sometimes it's really extreme (like full-blown panic attacks). You need to FORCE yourself to interact, because you're right - loneliness is the perfect breeder for depression.
I was numb for a long time, & I don't know if being numb is any better than the debilitating sadness - I just used to want to feel SOMETHING again when I went through these stages, it didn't matter what it was.

If it's not getting better on it's own, there is an AMAZING remedy that can work wonders - antidepressants. Sometimes we all need a bit of help, & that doesn't mean we are weak in any way.

nail on head. i was numb completely for years. Could't cry at funerals even when i wanted to. i thought i still had some issues that i needed to talk about. i sat with a doctor (at 18) and said, "what do i need to talk about? i thought i had already come to terms with my past...!?" he said literally, "take this pill once a day and you'll feel better," he said very matter-of-fact.
"That's it?! Take this once a day," i said disbelievingly.
"That's it."
It took two months before it finally kicked in during one of my classes. i actually thought something was funny. i couldnt believe it, it had been years since i felt like laughing. it was an awesome, joyful feeling. But, then also began my fascination with pills and self-medicating myself with them :-(. Upside and a downside, I guess. But it sounds like you experienced that same dead numb feeling I had. I wasnt even so much sad or suicidal, just like nothing inside.
thanks again for sharing, really is nice to hear someone else has had the exact same experience in life!

I went to a real sucky psych one time; I asked her "when will I be cured?" She said when I thought I was cured, I would be cured. I said, "ok, I'm cured", and left. I went to another psych who helped me through a lot of the initial trauma of depression. I wish I knew how to get back in touch with her now...I can't find her anywhere!!!

I like the fact you know it's a bio chemistry inbalance. That's what makes it bearable for me.
It only happens once or twice a year for me, but I tell people, tell them it's just a brain chemistry inbalance, I'll get over it, but at the moment I'm depressed, and that's why I'm being like I am.
The fact you recognise it and understand is really healthy. But it still sucks.

Hi I am 16 year girl I just tell I am depression and personality disorder my English sometimes good hehe but you make I see it can be ok thank you from china hehe

Wow, I can't amagine someone going through something like this. Not knowing what tomorrow brings. I give you a lot of credit, and hope that you will find a way to beat him all together. Thanks for sharing your story.

I am happy for you that things are getting better for you. I commiserate with everything you it feels.<br />
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Thank you.

WOW. That was SOOOOO long ago for me. I was manic depressive when I was a child, and I had adolescent bipolar disorder. Both of which I overcame without drugs or counselors (at least not the kind I had to pay for).<br />
WOW I don't know that I could have ever put it into words as well as you have.<br />
Again, thanks for sharing!

OK the links<br />
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<a href="" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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This second is about being fat but deals with basic body chemistry<br />
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<a href="" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

I wouldn't get too stressed about it your probably a wast of space anyway


lets add spearmint in a bag and breath that, I have a few long posts about some of the nutritional considerations and no time to look, but go wander around in my stories and comments, They are there.<br />
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There is also something I use in my work which is to have people stand lift chest up look at the line where the wall meets the ceiling put a big **** eating grin on your face and laugh. and smile and laugh like you really mean it, not just give one of those wimpy half-hearted things.<br />
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It will fool your brain. Studies have been done that your brain chemistry will change immediately doing this. It one of thos fool your brain things.<br />
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Now for much better depression really sag young shoulders, slump on down and drag your feet and do some nice dramatic sighing while looking wistfully downward.<br />
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You can get a great funk going on with that.

haha yeah, i'm actually fine now - i wrote this looking back on my depression, &amp; i'm on antidepressants now. i couldn't have made it so light hearted if i was still in a depressive slump!

but you're right about the "fooling yourself" into being happy thing. it wont fix depression, but it can help it - apparently smiling sets off endorphins in the brain. i don't know how true that is, but me it works sometimes.

but thank you for the advice - hopefully others will see your post &amp; give it a shot themselves!

I know its Ep's program but I wish you would edit your stuff especially since you got some good stuff.

mmm atleast have identified to having it, my mom refused to accept it and now even on meds i think hardly ever work since elt it go on for so long and still keeps alot underwraps...i'd say you are doing better then alot I'd say~<br />
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Especially for those that have no mental issues but still find somehow to eff things up, you can tell them Deal with it and there be like, no rebuttal, win =3

Did you write this? this is so well written.. I feel like its been written for me. Honestly everything in this story I can relate to, it is so weird. I feel exactly like this all the time. I'm going through it at the moment actually, I'm still in my PJ's haven't left my bed yet and I haven't paid any of my bills because I've been too depressed to go to work! I need to kick this "Friend" to the curb, I have no idea how though. Thank you so much for this story, somehow knowing that I'm not the only person going through something like this comforts me and makes me feel less lonely.

thanks a bundle :) that's the thing with depression - a lot of people go through it at some stage in their lives, probably a lot more than you think!

&amp; i know it's the last thing you want to do &amp; right now you probably can't see it, but if you get up &amp; get out you WILL feel better.
right now, i have to find a job...the idea of doing that sucks, &amp; i don't want to work, but in the back of my mind i know that i'm happier in general when i'm working (even though generally while i'm at work i wish i were at home, i tend to just be happier &amp; feel more accomplished).
take small steps. even if it's just getting up &amp; having a shower, or paying a couple of bills, or going for a 15 minute walk. do LITTLE things. i guarantee you, it makes a difference.

it's not something you can just "snap out of", but it is something you can learn to treat/deal with effectively so it doesn't get in the way.

now when i feel myself starting to get depressed, i take action - i refuse to let it inhibit me. i organise to catch up with a friend, take my dog for a walk or just get out of the house &amp; do SOMETHING, even though at the time i really don't want to (&amp; would rather just curl up in bed).

I would like to kick ur friends arse really bad ones and for all :/

For a seratoning boost try drinking some decaffinated green tea, it you are tired during the day drink green tea with ginsing, Arizona tea makes that. You also want to take an omega 3 vitamin, a multi vitamin,vitamin D, and for afternoon sluggishness take vitamin b12.<br />
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Also the smell of roses can aleavate some depression, so get a candle, popuri, or essentail rose oil to burn in the house. If you get essentail rose oil (on Amazon) you can put a few drops on in a oil burner, put a couple drops in bath water, get an empty spray bottle add water and a few drops of rose oil and spray around your house, put in lotion and wear it. <br />
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Make sure you get atleast 20 minutes of sunlight each day, sunlight is proven to rid depression. If you can't get out to get sunlight you can purchase a uv light and use light therapy for 30 minutes twice a day for 2 weeks. (amazon).<br />
Also, the music that helps increace GABA a neurotrasmitter that is seen less in depressed patients is the music of ocean sounds and sounds of the rain forrest, you can find that music on either amazon or<br />
please feel free to read my blog on alternative treatments for depression.<br />
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Good Luck, i hope this infomation will be helpful to you.