I Have An Undiagnosed Mental Illness
I've seen a professional for a short period of time as a young teen...and as soon as medication was mentioned I never returned. At the time I thought it was depression issues, with a string of poor excuses for suicide attempts and a six month stint of anorexia. Since this time I have tried to manage this depression with exercising regularly, eating a vitamin rich diet, and taking herbal supplements. But now I think I need something more...
I suffer from extreme bouts of depression. As time goes on I am becoming increasingly suicidal during these rough periods, they last longer and It affects my normal daily activities more and more.
On the flip side I experience periods of mania, where I empty my bank account, have promiscuous sex, consume large amounts of alcohol and drugs, disappear from my home for a couple days at a time and ignore the importance of 'real' life issues. (such as but not limited to academia and family matters)
I also suffer from anxiety, self confidence and honesty issues. Sometimes I have irrational thoughts of spirits following me, mild hallucinations, and paranoia.
All of the aforementioned are extremely out of character for me as I am a post-graduate student who has a reputation for pulling in good grades, I have a good looking resume, I am very smart, outgoing, and a lot of people envy my life.
...if only they knew. behind closed doors I am struggling to keep my life together. I don't know how many more 36 hour adventures I can afford before I graduate - both financially and academically..and I don't know if during my next big depressive state if I will do something stupid...like the S word. All I know is that I cannot survive another year without treatment.
Even though I am a very likable person, I speak to strangers with ease, and I have a beautiful smile, I am not one to have many close friends. I tend to push others away, or people see me as nice, and fun to hang around, but a little 'intense' to be friends with. I especially have trouble getting along with other women, so the friends I do have are all men.
When I am in a 'mania' phase people see me as this fun party animal who knows how to make everyone have a good time...and when I am depressed I do all it takes to keep it a secret.
For the success of my own life's sake, and to take advantage of the mountain of potential lying in my future, I need to get help. I don't know what I have, but it needs to release its grip it has over me.
I have another month in Australia before I head back to Canada, so I figure it makes the most sense to wait until then. For the first time in my life, I am looking forward to seeing a doctor.