Trauma Recovery Is Scary!

I am not one to say, "why me?!" People have had it a lot worse than I have in life. As I get older, I'm finding that therapy just isn't enough. My rage is accelerating at the injustices done to me and done to other children and women. I fear that I will take my own life in desperation to remove myself from the hate and misogyny - and I'm referring to both men and women that defile and degrade girls and women. It doesn't help that I have borderline personality disorder, BPD.

I have forgiven my brother-in-law who molested me from as long as I can remember until I was 14. I find that my anger is not so much at him but at my much older sister and my parents who did not NOT listen, care, or believe that it was happening. Most of my family still doesn't believe he is a ********* even though he spends his lunches hanging out watching little girls on the playground. I might have been his first. I wasn't his last. My family adores him and shuns me.

I thought I was moving on in life...until I lost my virginity to a brutal rape at 19. Someone I worked with and liked, no less. I have since been raped again when I was 32. And NO - I was never under the influence nor did I put myself in a compromised situation. My other sister thought that it was funny that I was raped because I had the audacity to ask a college classmate for help with some class work. She said,"that's what you get for not doing the work yourself - buttfu cked for a paper." The guy roofied me.

There's so much more that I have endured and alone...the last time I tried inpatient therapy, my sister said, "why don't you just shoot yourself and get it over with?!" What was astounding was that she lost her own son to suicide a few years prior...

I feel so vulnerable and alone right now. Despite how strong I have been in my life and career, people have a hard time with my past. It's too much for others. I have only shared a bit of the degradation. I have worked hard to overcome difficulties and put them behind me, trying to not become bitter in the process. The Tourette - like rages just exacerbate everything.

I would make such a wonderful partner to someone if they could realize that the things that have happened to me do not define me. I am stronger than the sum of my experiences. I'm just so alone with them.

I'm really scared about going to this trauma recovery center which is in Wickenburg, AZ. Although it's a highly acclaimed recovery center, I fear that they won't be able to help me and that I will come out of there broken down, not strengthened and healthy. I'm ready for the long haul on this one!
Georgie1962 Georgie1962
51-55, F
2 Responses Aug 25, 2013

Thank you both for your support! ;-)

Come out strengthened and well! :)