On The Borderline...

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.. I had never heard of it.. On the border of what? Sanity and batshit crazy? Probably. but it was a relief to finally have a "name" for the emotional roller coaster is been on for so long.

Imagine the emotions that we all experience on a day to day basis, and then multiply their intensity by about 1000.. That's the borderline experience. Life, each day in fact, is a series of exhilarating highs and crushing, debilitating lows... Lows that get so bad that I have been hospitalized twice for suicidal behavior.. I used to cut myself, but have stopped that..I tried to overdose once.. I also used to drink to numb the intense pain, but I'm sober two months. I'm in therapy twice a week learning ways to cope, trying to figure out how to be a "normal adult". But, honestly, I don't know what normal looks like or feels like and I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it.

"Mental illness", two words that really can change the course of a life, or end it. All I know is that despite progress, I feel broken, defective... Branded for life.. And in a way, I am. The evidence is etched into my arm..from days when razor blades and the sight of my own blood provided relief..

I'm terrified that all people can see is what's broken, the "crazy", the "shameful past"... And not the rest: a young woman, desperately trying to be "ok", who cares deeply, loves intensely, and hopes to find someone who can look past the scars of my past..

Here's to hoping.
SweetGG SweetGG
31-35, F
7 Responses Oct 15, 2013

Wow, sounds a lot like my story. I still have trouble dealing with the fact I have borderline, I just want to be "normal" every day is pretty well exhausting, best part of the day is bedtime. I really try to be positive, I work and go to school, have a boyfriend, great family, but still, every day is a damn struggle. Thank you for sharing your story, it is nice not to feel so alone.

No meds?

BPD is caused by "indifference" in child rearing. It affects females more than males and BPD people do not have the skills needed to have a normal life. You are starting from scratch learning how to love, interact, live and have a "normal" life. I spent 34 years cutting myself, being anorexic, hating myself all because i had a mother that did not want children and a father whom beats me. This is not your fault. You have nothing to be shameful about. Prozac and anti-psychotic medication will help stablise your "moods". therapy is great

I'm sorry that you have suffered with a similar experience, it really is so challenging and hopeless at times. I would argue though that BPD is definitely not only caused by indifference in child rearing. It is also often linked to childhood trauma of many kinds. I have the most loving attentive parents in the world, couldn't ask for a better young childhood. However as an preteen/adolescent I developed a serious autoimmune disease that was of unknown origin, but caused constant (grand mal) seizures and I almost died more than once...
I had to drop out of high school, and was basically on so much medication I have a spotty memory of those years (probably a blessing). I have PTSD as a result of that trauma. My borderline issues appeared a soon after that and got increasingly severe.

That's said, although it's been hellish at times... I managed to get my GED, then get my bachelors degree, and now have finished my masters degree in speech pathology as well.its taken me a bit longer than it does most people... But i did it. So, yes we struggle to function, and I still do, every day. But, I think I've done ok for myself ;)
Good luck to you

SweetGG, this has touched my soul and I feel much compassion for you, as one who has her own mental issues, I can relate,

That was wonderful. Not many can describe it that way :)

love the story!! :-)
I suffer from borderline too!!!
The instability from BPD results from the emotional pain of having such intense feelings!
We often do something impulsive at the spur of the moment (usually self-destructive) but it's only a continuous cycle of abuse
since afterwards we'd do more impulsive **** just to deal with the shame & guilt.
Im taking psych rehab as a major now! :-)

excellent story oh how I can relate
I am schizo overdosed twice never a cutter but thought about it long and hard
just trying to fit in with societys stupid expectations
enjoying my reclusive nature battling anxiety but not the schizophrenia I have not had an episode since i was 16 and I turn 38 on monday :))
must be doing something right staying off the pot and lsd helps
gave up smoking cigarettes five years ago that is HUGE for me
I used to love them
thanks for your story it inspires me the honesty and no BS - like it alot

Thanks so much for the thoughtful honest comment. I know, it's such a struggle trying to fit into this vague concept of what society deems "normal" or "acceptable"... In reality those terms are so meaningless.. The more people I encounter the more I realize we are all struggling in our own ways.. It's just that when people struggle with diagnosed mental illness, there's a whole stigma attached to it that makes things even harder.
So glad to hear you are doing better, I wish you the very best :)

we all need friends that understand us sometimes the people that have been through the same **** know how to treat others better so I might add you
will keep an eye out for you - you are interesting !!!