Crazy, Broken, and Loving Every Other Minute of My Self-destruction!

Happy! Sad! Anxious! Manic! Detached and loving the purity of the empty moment! People are like toys, they're fun to play with, usually I like them, but sometimes I'm just in the mood to break them to see how it feels. Usually it feels good.

And then I want to be nice. I'm really a sweet, misunderstood, kind, innocent girl who'd never hurt anyone. It's so unfair how people dislike me, just because I'm a horrible influence on them, just because they're nothing but objects to me. It's horrible. Depression. Anxiety. Fear. Mania. I'm perfect, humans are insects, squishy little bugs in my very own private ant farm. Have you ever gotten paid by an ant farm? I haven't been having much luck with it, either.

No, in fact, I'm doomed to an existence in poverty just because these pathetic filthy excuses for sentient life can't be bothered to give me everything I want. It's not fair at all. In fact, they could even end up locking me up for a variety of petty reasons. I have every right to be a nice little disruption to society as a whole, they have no right to assume my actions should have to follow their silly little rules.

Boredom. Nothing matters, nothing is worth doing, because even if I do it, it doesn't entertain me. What once interested me is now nothing more than another tedious chore. Next. Next. Next. Nothing satisfies.

Drugs! They're always the answer. Except, no, that's no fun either. Blah. Who gets bored of getting high? Even physical withdrawal symptoms are just tedious. Boredom is the single defining feature of my existence.

Boredom, and change. Obsession replaces apathy. I'm interested, focused, fixated. Every waking moment is dedicated to whatever it is I've found interesting. Life is good...

Bored again. I've exhausted the energy of my obsession, perhaps in days, weeks, months... rarely longer than that. Life returns to monotony punctuated by rapid mood swings and activities and interests that exist purely to fill my time with some semblance of interesting activity. Like, for example, writing this story.

Life is a fluctuating kaleidoscope of feelings, impressions, interests, people. The past fades rapidly into insignificance, the future is vague and not really that interesting, only the moment exists. A long string of "now", each moment only passingly related to the one before.

There are many repeated themes throughout my life, but the patterns they form are broken, fragmented. But that's me, not so much a person as a thousand tiny reflections from a shattered mirror.

And yet, I do enjoy life. The rapid changes, the loneliness of being permanently disconnected from humanity, the loss of past and the irrelevance of future... these things are just part of the wild ride that is my existence. Sometimes it sucks, sure, but sometimes it's a real blast. And in the end, I always land on my feet. The universe presents us with a wealth of opportunities waiting to be exploited, people who can be used, situations which can benefit us if we just go about things correctly.

Phage Phage
26-30, F
7 Responses Feb 24, 2009

disgusting personality disorder

i think you're just being a *****.

It depends on how you define guilt... if you think about it, most words which describe emotions are complex and la<x>yered with many different meanings.<br />
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Do I feel guilt when I hurt someone or do something immoral? Nope, not in the least. Instead I usually feel a sense of accomplishment.<br />
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On the other hand, I can feel "guilty" if I'm on a diet and I over eat, or if I do something I consider stupid.

Oh, yes, I'm good at disgust. Not to mention contempt.<br />
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Not sure exactly what you mean by having my limits pushed, but at times I enjoy exploring outside my comfort zone, having bizarre and crazy new experiences for no reason other than that they're novel. Especially when I'm manic.

Haha... in the immortal words of Jarvis Cocker: "Can't you see a giant walks among you seeing through your petty lives?" Tell me something... how do you feel about disgust? Having your limits pushed?

Maybe, I'm not sure. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, though, which mostly accounts for my mood swings. Except borderline isn't supposed to produce mania, so go figure.<br />
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If I wanted to be totally honest to a shrink, I'd no doubt be labeled with antisocial personality disorder as well. And I'm not sure they'd stop there, I'm a bit of a mess! :D

Are you bipolar? It sounds like you may be....and I talk from experience, so please don't take offense. You seem bright, articulate, intelligent....I love the unpredictable, and I never pass judgment as I, too suffer from a mental illness.