Schizoaffective Disorder

I have got schizoaffective disorder and for those who dont know what that is, its a mental illness involving symptoms of a mood disorder ( depression, biopolar) and schitzophernia. I would never have known i had any of this until i met Nick, he has been great and although he is far away he is there for me when i need him. I made a new friend last year, her name is Jodie, she seemed nice at first but then began to tell me to do strange or bad things, ive often argued with her and she follows me sometimes but we are still friends. I told Nick about Jodie and this is where i found out some strange things. Jodie is not real (apparently) she is just another part of me. Rigth now im finding this hard to deal with as we were so close and she was like my bestfriend! The past couple of weeks ive been heartbroken but i think im starting to get my head around it all. I don't sleep at night anymore without the tv on because i hear things, voices, footsteps etc. I see some horrible things sometimes and thats when i usually have a relapse. I self harm most of the time as i need to feel something, i can be so numb and the pain just brings it all back. I love watching the blood seep out of the skin, but afterwards i just feel so stupid and guilty. I am joining this site for some support or just someone to talk to ......

sunbury64 sunbury64
3 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Aw I can see why that would be horrible. :( it must be weird to percieve something to be real then find out it isn't, bit confusing I would imagine...<br />
I self harm too, it's a nasty thing to get into but I don't think anyone should judge because it's not something you choose to do as such. Maybe you should join one of the self harm groups on here for support, if you haven't already.

hey I found you ,,,lol,,,mary

Well I am so sorry for not seeing you before now I too have this disorder, but to be honest I love it most of the time,,,but there are times I wish I was not here,,,I hope that you are still here at EP,,,this is a great place,,,so do you take meds,,I take Invega for my voices and stuff I see, then sometimes I need to take a nerve pill, but I haven't been needing it latly,,,and I am suppose to take a sleeping pill,,,cause I don't sleep much,,,I go to school ,,,college and my whole class knows I am mental and we laugh about it,,,cause I have had some very crazy adventures,,,and to look at what I saw then as being very real and to tell the truth I still believe it was real,,,and I laugh because I think the world is so funny not believing in things they can not see or here,,,and when they laugh at me I turn it around and laugh at them and they never knew what I was doing,,,I feel like I am well aware of distingushing from realty as the world see it and then there is my realty,,,and to me it is just as real and I don't care any more if they don't see or here what I do its ok I was choosen by God /Goddess to deal with these visions,,,well I hope you and I can be friends maybe I can help you feel better about how speical you are,,,love and light mary