This is my testimony of having a mental illness - obsessive compulsive disorder.

It does get better, I promise you that!

Well I might as well start at the beginning, growing up I was always shy but being an introvert never stopped me from running the roads all the or being involved in activities like soccer, dance, baton, I even played the saxophone.

Things were GOOD!

This is where my story takes a turn for the worse. When I was 13 in the eighth grade that is when I started noticing doing odd behaviors like erasing and rewriting my homework over and over again, packing decorations from my house in my overnight bag to go to a friends house... just in case I might need them & I would straighten out the shoes in the entry way until they were in a perfect straight line.

But of course as a kid, you think everything you do everybody else does as well... so I just assumed this behavior was perfectly normal.

But then my fascination with numbers came along, and the rituals where I would spend hours just touching objects. If I mess up the ritual I have to start all over again. I have what is called touching OCD, which is more unheard of then lets say germ OCD which is talked about all the time.

The numbers that I love and are completely fascinated by are 3, 5 & 7, all odd numbers. The number that I despise and fear is 6. I HATE 6!!! If it is anywhere around me I freak out, in fact just typing it explaining it is causing me to very anxious. I feel like just being around the number 6 is bad luck, that it will bring horrible events to my life. Now the number 3 on the other hand I love, I do all my touching rituals and say 3, 3, 3 as I touch the objects.

I wish I could say that I was one on those people who felt they had the symptoms of a disorder and ran right to the doctor. unfortunately OCD is an anxiety disorder... I was terrified of going to the appointment. I would actually lie to my parents and tell them someone was coming to pick me up and bring me to it, then I would go sit in the garage and listen to music, sinking into a deeper despair & hating myself. Then I would come inside and pretend that I had gone to the appointment. I know, sad right? I would rather go through all that just becuase going out was just far to overwheming.

You know that saying, a person can't get better until they are ready, well that is very true. For me being ready finally was being sick to death of living sick and dead, sick of all the suffering I went through in those 6 years.

As my illness progressed, I could not even go to school anymore. I would be waiting inside for the bus and throwing up, but just telling my mom that it was just the stomach flu, but she knew what was going on & did not make me feel bad about it. But eventually I started missing so much school that I was failing every class, that is when we had to make the desicion whether to transfer me over to the special needs school or homeschool me? We decided to go with homeschooling.

After the homeschooling period is really when my illness really became a living nightmare, first the prison was in mind, then the walls became as real as my life did unwind. At this point I was completely agoraphobic, I was isolated in my room ALL THE TIME, with the door locked and blocked... the touching rituals were out of control... I was doing them 24/7!!!

I despise doing these touching object rituals so much but I also despise the unbearable, uncomfortable feeling when I don't do the rituals. This disorder tortures your mind, it lies to you around the clock.

One day after living like this for 6 years, i'm falling apart, my life is falling apart, my illness is starting to greatly affect my family! I just had enough, I could not run from my illness anymore, I had to face it not mask it. That is the day I set up a doctors appointment.

I am on medication now that is working really good & I am going to behavioural therapy to work through the touching of objects. I can't say its perfect now, but hey I can actually leave the house & I am not doing rituals 24/7.

If you feel you have OCD and are suffering greatly because of it, PLEASE don't do what I did and wait for it to get really bad, their is no shame in having a mental illness, there are tons of professionals out there that care... SEEK THEM!!!

DON'T LET THE OCD BEAST WIN!!!

FIGHT IT!!!
chelseystorys chelseystorys
22-25, F
2 Responses Nov 16, 2014

we have something in common...ive always been fascinated by the number 7 and horrified by the other number you mentioned every since I could count...interesting...

Thank you for sharing your story. OCD is a debilitating disorder and it takes a lot to get help. Good for you for making steps towards a positive change in your life! It is probably the hardest thing you will have to do, so it does get easier after you begin getting help and healing. Best of luck to you! Keep sharing your story! Maybe you'll be able to help others with mental illness, or increase awareness!