I have at least four, diagnosed. Depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD... And possible bipolar disorder. - "Mental illnesses. They are no less real than physical illnesses, and often *MORE* debilitating. No, I cannot "get over" my depression. I will not "learn to be better" if you practice tough love. I am as much trapped by my brain as a parylized person is trapped in their wheelchair. And *you* do not get to decide what the triggers and stressors for my illness are, nor do you get to quantify it by your own neuro-normative thoughts and actions." It sucks, trying to explain to people what it feels like to be affected by my illnesses. A lot of times, I feel like I'm a caterpillar, in a mountainous world populated by mouintain goats. The goats make climbing mountains look easy - but I'm just a caterpillar, and for me, climbing mountains can be impossible. Other days, I feel like I'm a gargoyle, a grotesqe thing looking out at all the beautiful people, in the beautiful world that I cannot possibly be a part of. And then, there are "the thoughts". They condition my brain further, reinforcing the belief that I am hideous, helpless, weak. Sometimes they tell me that I'm hurting the one's I love, too much - that it'd be easier if I just died, because then I would no longer be a burden, an ugly blemish on my family's perfect exterior. Sometimes I can't stop crying - I've banged my head on things, trying to get it to stop... Sometimes I smile, because I *do* feel good, in that moment. And sometimes I smile, say that I'm okay because you'd be frustrated, disappointed with me if you knew the truth. Rarely am I "myself", because when I am, I get labled as emo, lazy, stupid, or overdramatic. If only you knew - the hurt sometimes is physical, the heartache and lonliness unbearable... The terror of being hurt again, of loving only to be brushed aside paralyzes me. The crawling, wormy thoughts that new friends will just desert me, decide I'm not worth their time, think I'm ugly or disgusting *does not stop*. Sometimes, I wish people understood...
iFortiTude iFortiTude
31-35
1 Response Feb 18, 2015

some people do understand.

I am diagnosed PTSD after my time in the military. I never know what might trigger my depression or anxiety. I kind of understand what you are talking about.

it takes a conscious effort at being self aware. triggers can seem to be any random thoughts or circumstances, but there's patterns and common threads among them. Recognizing those will help to overcome them.
Thanks for your service.
ill pray for your strength in this struggle.
I have a 'tool box' for coping and dealing with some serious psych problems. message me if you feel a need.