I had a massive med issues at the eating disorder clinic I was at this December. I started believing full heartily that they were pumping calories in to the air and water making me obese. I thought they were fatting me up to make me in to the stuff they put in feeding tubes. Grinding my fat body in to the creamy liquid. I starting cutting with any metal I could to bleed out some calories. Soon after I refused food and water completely. They were going to
shove a tube down my throat. But they never did. I starting eating when my dad called me crying out of fear. I love my dad so much I ate. But my mind was getting worst, I was in mental hell. One day during school I ran out of the building in December during a blizzard since I was so scared of the calories in the air inside. The fat staff yelled at me to come back and I unwillingly did. They put me on one on one watching. Trapped me in a basement all day. I wasn't allowed to talk, I just did a **** load of therapy assignment. I ran when ever I could. Tried cutting with anything I could. I was crying but it was the tip of what I felt. I believe I was getting so fat from the air and I was going to blow up like a bomb. I thought if I killed myself I would be free from the calories. After 3 days one on one. I tried to hang myself with a f*cking sheet at 3am. The silly tech was alseep. I was passing out when a nurse screamed at the top of her lungs. I just kept it there then she attacked me. I wanted to die. Not just because of the calories but since I hated myself so much for being alive. I then spend a hour talking to her. Told her a **** load of lies. The next couple days I was sure I was going to kill myself and get rid of the calories forever. I tried to freeze myself to death, that day I wore the least clothes I could, I talked the staff to open the window at night since it was so hot in the room *lies* I woke under two blankets and pissed as ****. I turned the water as cold at it would go and stayed in as long as I could. It was so painful but I wanted to die so in my mind it was worth it. The staff watching me seem to not notice. When I when to get my vitals my body temp was 95f I was shaking uncontrollably, couldn't feel my limbs well. I used at my willpower and ran outside and lied in the snow refusing to move the staff took me in and made me take a hot shower. During my shower I noiced a sharp piece of metal. I then planned to kill myself by blood lost. That morning I kept giving myself bloody noses. My therapist came and told me I was being taken to a psych ward in the city. My Dad came and talked to me as they put me on the ambulance their. The staff all welcomed me since I was their just over a month ago. I then slowly got better..

I just wanted to get that off my chest.
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1 Response Jul 18, 2015

Thank you for sharing, that takes strength. It's good that you acknowledged you were getting better. I hope everything really works out for you. The thoughts you had must have been terrifying to you.

Really strong people don't go out of their way to find fault in others or put them down. Just saying.

Oh lord, taking wax out of my ears wouldn't help me to read ur negativity 3mjay. lol U are right though, no one ever said u were really strong lol.

You don't have to thank me. I just want you to realize that wherever you go, there will be people that deny you BUT there will also be people that accept u. Both types build who u are and this dude right here is good for you. He shows hatred for no reason. Something we all learn to ignore. :)

This is displacement or projection. There's something you don't like about yourself or your life that u don't like so u come to EP to relieve ur stress and try to prove u can read ppl. Welp, I hope that wrx out for u! ;) ;) ;)

3mjay, she's not fishing for attention, she's venting to help get that off her mind. YOUR fishing for attention, being a ******* ******* and putting others down.

I doubt you possess the mental capacity to make correct assumptions about others. You've already proven your stupidity through your comments, so don't bother embarrassing yourself further by replying.

I'm ashamed to be in the same age category as u, I just threw up all over myself ughhhh matter fact, I'm ashamed for u. Gross.

I hope u find happiness in ur misery, love.

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