I'm having a hard time. I have to admit that. I had therapy on Tuesday and my shrink put an idea to me that I found confrontingly true. And now I am a mess. For so many years, I have been avoiding this. Pushing my through mental pain barrier after mental pain barrier, anything but to actually deal with it. I am plunged into darkness. Trying to avoid the memories, of being left defenceless, alone, and frightened. I don't need to remember any of this to start thinking. Yeah how ****** up am I? Oh that's right, very, very. Don't get me wrong. I function. I function very very well in fact. Too well. The more I have to do the less time I have to think about what has happened to me. I suppose that's why I have OCD too. The need to control the situation, never be out of control, not ever again.
I have anorexia too. Another anxiety control based mental illness that has the press take the **** out of it. So we true anorexic's don't get taken too seriously. Yeah, cheers thanks for that Posh Spice.
You know what I am pissed off. I'm pissed off at everything and everyone who as either used me, abused me, or both.
Anyway, I digress, I want to avoid these feelings. I don't want to feel. Feeling sucks, cause it hurts. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of it. There's a good chance that tomorrow I will be back to my normal self. These feelings of depression come and go in waves for me. Tomorrow I might me shouting that I will beat my mental health issues, that with hard work and commitment I too can overcome my beasts of burden. But today I have no energy, it's exhausting being physically sick and mental. Crazy making as a friend once said. I loose sight of how far I have come, and just look at how far I have to go. It's not surprising to me at all that after therapy I became sick with gastro. It's also not surprising that I am feeling a little depressed. Thanks to the gastro my meds haven't up-taken properly and now I am withdrawing. So here comes the OCD. I think acknowledging halves the collatoral damage. which is good for me and my family. I think, now that I've had a good old fashioned whinge, that I can CBT my way through this bumpy patch, I'm going out with my partner on Sunday, and I certainly don't want to be all gloomy for that. It's not going to be easy because I am withdrawing from my meds, but fingers and toes that I can maintain some semblence of sanity. :D
Hope this finds you well.