My Experience With Mental Health Problems (part One)
I have to apologise in advance if the telling of my story comes out rather hap-hazzard, I've just come out of a psychotic experience and want to talk about that, but also add background history and other times where I've been particularly ill, and I'm not sure yet how easily that will flow from me and likely it will jump from episode to episode or thought to thought rather than flowing naturally.
I'll start with the earliest time I remember there being something that wasn't right with me (remember as in observation on hindsight - I was unaware of it being different at the time). When I was a child, I used to climb the tree in our back garden, and spend hours just talking to the tree, and I don't mean as an ob
When my dad used to ask me to put a toy away, he would come up half an hour later to find I had emptied everything from cupboards, boxes and drawers in to a pile in the middle of the floor. I would then clean inside and outside the furniture, before putting each thing away one by one in a particular order.
Again, another regular occurrence that I didn't recognise as abnormal at the time was the evil shadow that used to visit me, it used to climb from the floor at the far end of my room, creeping up the far wall, over the ceiling coming closer and closer to me until I would scream out. This was not a night terror as it was always when I was awake, and not even after just waking but when I was absolutely wide awake. The reason it's hard to believe it was not something very real, is because on one occasion as a teenager, I saw the shadow coming and I hid beneath the blankets, then later when I ventured back out, my budgie was missing, the cage was still closed, the windows and door was still closed, there was no exit!!! That budgie NEVER got found! Then a few years later when I was working with horses, I had the same thing happen but 2 horses were missing the next day. After I had my second child, I saw it coming again, and I just knew it was coming for my baby, I jumped out of bed screaming at the shadow "YOU ARE NOT TAKING HER!" I was so scared that I must have leapt from one end of the room to the other end where the light switch was in just one huge jump and switched on the lights. I laid there with my baby in my arms all night with the light on, terrified what would happen if I turned the lights out again.
I have not seen the shadow since, but am still scared that it could come back, almost waiting for it.
So, the most recent psychotic episode. I was raised in a cult, and I started doing some in depth research in to it, and started realising that the cult was not 'the truth' and 'god's only one true religion' but that in fact they were foot soldiers of Satan in disguise, manipulating people to becoming followers without even knowing what they were doing. I realised that so many of my hang ups today, the sociaphobia, absolute fear of the outside world and people has come from them. Since as long as I can remember (very small child) I have seen 'demons or monsters' under the skin of people, it looks like the skin becomes translucent and there is movement and shifting below the surface, like when you poke around the mud at the bottom of a slow moving stream and all the mud starts swirling and coming up towards the surface. And I don't just see this sometimes or in some people, I see it in everyone all the time. It's damned scary, scary isn't even the word. And people wonder why I don't even want to confront my fear of leaving my house alone!!!!
So anyway, I then believed that I was possessed by the devil himself, I don't mean a bodily possession, but my soul and spirit, and that everything in my life is manipulated by him and leading up to the day he carries me away to hell. I was frantic with panic, emailing a Christian missionary who set up an organisation that specialises in cult escape, desperately begging her to tell me how I could be saved, but dismissing her ideas that simply praying and asking for salvation and forgiveness would be enough. My dad had got to the stage where after me begging and begging him, on the phone hysterically nearly every night, cutting my entire body up to try to get the devil out of me, my legs top to bottom, my arms, my breasts, to starving myself, depriving myself of fluid, unable to sleep, he agreed to find someone who could perform an exorcism.
*to be cont'd.....being a recent event that I only came out of a few days ago, writing this is triggering me too much to carry on all in one go, hopefully can come back to it in an hour or so when I calm myself down.*