Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Experience With Mental Health Problems (part One)

I have to apologise in advance if the telling of my story comes out rather hap-hazzard, I've just come out of a psychotic experience and want to talk about that, but also add background history and other times where I've been particularly ill, and I'm not sure yet how easily that will flow from me and likely it will jump from episode to episode or thought to thought rather than flowing naturally.

I'll start with the earliest time I remember there being something that wasn't right with me (remember as in observation on hindsight - I was unaware of it being different at the time).  When I was a child, I used to climb the tree in our back garden, and spend hours just talking to the tree, and I don't mean as an object to vent or release to, I mean actual conversations.  Still to this day I can't believe that it was a delusion or hallucination of any kind that the tree talked to me too, it still feels very real.  The trees voice was a quiet but high-pitched tone that I imagine now would be out of normal range of human hearing.  The tree comforted me, it got me through hard times, taught me to find peace inside myself so that things would not affect me so deeply at the time, would reassure me that the bad would one day go away.  

When my dad used to ask me to put a toy away, he would come up half an hour later to find I had emptied everything from cupboards, boxes and drawers in to a pile in the middle of the floor.  I would then clean inside and outside the furniture, before putting each thing away one by one in a particular order. 

Again, another regular occurrence that I didn't recognise as abnormal at the time was the evil shadow that used to visit me, it used to climb from the floor at the far end of my room, creeping up the far wall, over the ceiling coming closer and closer to me until I would scream out.  This was not a night terror as it was always when I was awake, and not even after just waking but when I was absolutely wide awake.  The reason it's hard to believe it was not something very real, is because on one occasion as a teenager, I saw the shadow coming and I hid beneath the blankets, then later when I ventured back out, my budgie was missing, the cage was still closed, the windows and door was still closed, there was no exit!!!  That budgie NEVER got found!  Then a few years later when I was working with horses, I had the same thing happen but 2 horses were missing the next day.  After I had my second child, I saw it coming again, and I just knew it was coming for my baby, I jumped out of bed screaming at the shadow "YOU ARE NOT TAKING HER!"  I was so scared that I must have leapt from one end of the room to the other end where the light switch was in just one huge jump and switched on the lights.  I laid there with my baby in my arms all night with the light on, terrified what would happen if I turned the lights out again.

I have not seen the shadow since, but am still scared that it could come back, almost waiting for it.

So, the most recent psychotic episode.  I was raised in a cult, and I started doing some in depth research in to it, and started realising that the cult was not 'the truth' and 'god's only one true religion' but that in fact they were foot soldiers of Satan in disguise, manipulating people to becoming followers without even knowing what they were doing.  I realised that so many of my hang ups today, the sociaphobia, absolute fear of the outside world and people has come from them.  Since as long as I can remember (very small child) I have seen 'demons or monsters' under the skin of people, it looks like the skin becomes translucent and there is movement and shifting below the surface, like when you poke around the mud at the bottom of a slow moving stream and all the mud starts swirling and coming up towards the surface.  And I don't just see this sometimes or in some people, I see it in everyone all the time.  It's damned scary, scary isn't even the word.  And people wonder why I don't even want to confront my fear of leaving my house alone!!!!

So anyway, I then believed that I was possessed by the devil himself, I don't mean a bodily possession, but my soul and spirit, and that everything in my life is manipulated by him and leading up to the day he carries me away to hell.  I was frantic with panic, emailing a Christian missionary who set up an organisation that specialises in cult escape, desperately begging her to tell me how I could be saved, but dismissing her ideas that simply praying and asking for salvation and forgiveness would be enough.  My dad had got to the stage where after me begging and begging him, on the phone hysterically nearly every night, cutting my entire body up to try to get the devil out of me, my legs top to bottom, my arms, my breasts, to starving myself, depriving myself of fluid, unable to sleep, he agreed to find someone who could perform an exorcism.

*to be cont'd.....being a recent event that I only came out of a few days ago, writing this is triggering me too much to carry on all in one go, hopefully can come back to it in an hour or so when I calm myself down.*

sweetdeanie sweetdeanie 31-35, F 9 Responses Apr 3, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

I want to become a mentalpatient

Hi totally get what you are saying. I have had my bouts with psychosis and find your experience similiar in many respects to mine. It took 2 years for me to find the right medications and dosage to stabilize. I live a life as stress free a possible to avoid slipping into that space. To me the experiences I have had are real. It has taken me time to integrate them and set them aside to function in the world because I am needed by my children to function normally so they feel safe and secure. I have changed dramatically as individual because of my experience with this illness of mine. I embrace how different I am and cherish the qualiites I have developed in part due to the psychosis. You will find what works for you, its obvious because you are already reaching out. You should be so proud of yourself. Dealing with such things is such a challenge. I know how bizarre it is to suddenly find yourself with these experiences on your hands and trying to understand them. Way to go for reaching out.

Hi totally get what you are saying. I have had my bouts with psychosis and find your experience similiar in many respects to mine. It took 2 years for me to find the right medications and dosage to stabilize. I live a life as stress free a possible to avoid slipping into that space. To me the experiences I have had are real. It has taken me time to integrate them and set them aside to function in the world because I am needed by my children to function normally so they feel safe and secure. I have changed dramatically as individual because of my experience with this illness of mine. I embrace how different I am and cherish the qualiites I have developed in part due to the psychosis. You will find what works for you, its obvious because you are already reaching out. You should be so proud of yourself. Dealing with such things is such a challenge. I know how bizarre it is to suddenly find yourself with these experiences on your hands and trying to understand them. Way to go for reaching out.

Wendy I am diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, OCD, Sociaphobia, GAD and Depressive Disorder....I personally don't agree with the BPD and am seeking a second opinion after I've had my baby. <br />
<br />
I believe I have Schizophrenia at the very least....I agree with the PTSD, OCD, GAD and Sociaphobia.....not sure about the depressive disorder as I think depression can be a symptom of the other things I have rather than the cause if that makes sense? <br />
<br />
Yes I work hard towards remaining stable...and when I am stable I lead a relatively normal life, other than I don't go out on my own and can't work...but I raise my children, do the housework, meet friends now and then for coffee, read books etc....like any other 'normal' person....I guess I just have hiccups in the road now and then when I have an episode...no matter how hard I work at staying stable sometimes it just happens without any known cause/trigger.<br />
<br />
How do I maintain my stability the rest of the time? Well I work hard at avoiding stressors or things I know will upset me - I call these triggers...Conflict in my life will undoubtedly trigger a severe episode and so I have to have clear boundaries regarding the people I allow in my life. I can not have people that enjoy causing drama in my life or who are argumentative or high demand or overly critical or negative or angry people or people that have temper tantrums. <br />
<br />
I have to try to eat right, make sure my diet has plenty of fresh vegetables - vitamins, minerals and nutrients. I have to make sure I get fresh air despite not wanting to go out, I have to make sure I drink plenty of water and get enough sleep every night. I have to keep communication open with my support network despite feeling like I want to isolate often. I guess it's about pushing myself all the time to do the stuff I don't want to do, that I lack the motivation for or sometimes it means having to face my fears.<br />
<br />
I have to forget about my pride or dignity sometimes and deal with the embarassment or shame I might feel about being ill or having thoughts that I believe to be wrong, bad, evil and tell someone.....it can be hard, sometimes it feels impossible...sometimes it might take me some time to work up the courage to reach out for help or to open up.<br />
<br />
I need therapy, I know that, but I'm not getting far with convincing my care coordinators to refer me right now.<br />
<br />
I don't know, I guess for most people this doesn't really sound like I am living a normal functional life, but for me this is as normal as it gets I guess. I guess for me 'normal' means not being delusional ALL the time and being able to maintain with hard work and effort some form of stability.

Wendy I am diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, OCD, Sociaphobia, GAD and Depressive Disorder....I personally don't agree with the BPD and am seeking a second opinion after I've had my baby. <br />
<br />
I believe I have Schizophrenia at the very least....I agree with the PTSD, OCD, GAD and Sociaphobia.....not sure about the depressive disorder as I think depression can be a symptom of the other things I have rather than the cause if that makes sense? <br />
<br />
Yes I work hard towards remaining stable...and when I am stable I lead a relatively normal life, other than I don't go out on my own and can't work...but I raise my children, do the housework, meet friends now and then for coffee, read books etc....like any other 'normal' person....I guess I just have hiccups in the road now and then when I have an episode...no matter how hard I work at staying stable sometimes it just happens without any known cause/trigger.<br />
<br />
How do I maintain my stability the rest of the time? Well I work hard at avoiding stressors or things I know will upset me - I call these triggers...Conflict in my life will undoubtedly trigger a severe episode and so I have to have clear boundaries regarding the people I allow in my life. I can not have people that enjoy causing drama in my life or who are argumentative or high demand or overly critical or negative or angry people or people that have temper tantrums. <br />
<br />
I have to try to eat right, make sure my diet has plenty of fresh vegetables - vitamins, minerals and nutrients. I have to make sure I get fresh air despite not wanting to go out, I have to make sure I drink plenty of water and get enough sleep every night. I have to keep communication open with my support network despite feeling like I want to isolate often. I guess it's about pushing myself all the time to do the stuff I don't want to do, that I lack the motivation for or sometimes it means having to face my fears.<br />
<br />
I have to forget about my pride or dignity sometimes and deal with the embarassment or shame I might feel about being ill or having thoughts that I believe to be wrong, bad, evil and tell someone.....it can be hard, sometimes it feels impossible...sometimes it might take me some time to work up the courage to reach out for help or to open up.<br />
<br />
I need therapy, I know that, but I'm not getting far with convincing my care coordinators to refer me right now.<br />
<br />
I don't know, I guess for most people this doesn't really sound like I am living a normal functional life, but for me this is as normal as it gets I guess. I guess for me 'normal' means not being delusional ALL the time and being able to maintain with hard work and effort some form of stability.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It is very different than my experience with mental illness. I have schizo-affective disorder. What is your diagnosis? What medications do you take? Are you able to lead a normal life otherwise? Thank you for your story. It was well written and easy to understand.<br />
Nice profile picture. I am looking forward to part 2.

I have started part 2

I'm so saddened to read about your life-long battle with mental illness, sweetdeanie, and I commend you on your bravery in sharing your story with EP. You have had some very frightening and challenging times, and you have survived. Congratulations.<br />
<br />
Don't have any worries about the way you write about your experiences -everything was very clear and perfectly expressed. <br />
<br />
I hope things get easier for you in the future.

hi there well i dont know how to say this but i dont think u are spychotic u see im a demonoligest and i have done some work with people that where possessed and i think u do need an exorsism the shadow that ur talking about is an imp or lesser form of demon , the tree u were talking to is one of the good spirits (angel ,gardian or what ever u want to call it ) the believe that u are possessed is an atempt by a demon to get into u so doing an exorcism even if the demon is not in u will help to give u a shield against it part of the exorsism is to purify the body remember the only way a demon can get into u is when u open spiritual doors for it , blood letting sex with animals and so on, so dont let it fool u and make u open the door to it hope this helps and remember stand strong u can