Mad At Life

We found out about a year and a half ago that my mother has a form of small cell lung cancer. The cancer was inoperable due to it's location, but they were able to succesfully treat her with chemotherapy and radiation. We all celebrated when she went into remission and I again could imagine my future with my mother in it. Finding out I'm pregnant, giving birth, all those moments that a woman shares with her mother. Things were going to be "normal" again.

But all the promises about quitting smoking and eating heather, doing the things that her doctor said would help her prevent it from comming back didn't last. Within a month or so my older sister admitted to me that my mom was smoking again, just as much as she ever had. I asked her about, she lied but made me promise not to get mad if she did start smoking again, or have the occasional cigarette while I was around. I made the promise not knowing how hard it would be to keep.

I avoided situations where it would come up. I ignore the fact that my father smokes in the house, sometimes in front of me. But in the back of my mind I've been thinking "it's as if they don't care". Like they don't care if the cancer comes back, like she doesn't care if she sees my neice and nephew grow up and graduate from highschool. As if she doesn't care if she is here for me when I become a mother.

Now the cancer may be back. They did a laparoscopic biopsy this morning and we are waiting to see if they were able to get a large enough sample through the scar tissue... we don't know if she will let them do an open biopsy if this one wasn't big enough... I know I should be sad and scared, but the overwhelming emotion i have right now is ANGER. I am so ad and i don't know if it is at her or the world, or if it is just how I dealing with my fear of having to do all of those things without my mother.
Peanut555 Peanut555
1 Response Feb 6, 2012

I think it's natural to be angry, and I would probably be angry too. It must be frustrating to watch your Mum compromise her health for a simple cigarette. <br />
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I was really angry with my Mum when I first found out about her cancer. I was angry because she admitted that she'd found a large lump in her breast TWO YEARS prior to her telling any of us about it. By the time Mum finally admitted she had a lump , the cancer had already metastasized and she was terminal. <br />
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I was angry because I felt that if Mum had told us earlier, or had been able to face the fact that she might've had cancer, she would have been treatable and might have survived. For many months, I was deeply furious at Mum for what she'd done to herself.<br />
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It's been 18 months since Mum's diagnosis, and I'm currently caring for her. Every day is a struggle, but weirdly enough, I'm not angry at Mum anymore. I've come to accept that that's just the way she is, and although I don't agree with the decisions she made (i.e. not to tell anyone about her cancer or see a doctor for two years) I've come to accept that she had her own personal reasons for making those decisions and that we all just have to deal with the consequences. <br />
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Anyway, in a way I feel like I know a little of what you're going through, and I think it's completely understandable to be angry. But I think in time, your anger will fade. Nothing can make us feel better about losing our Mums. And, I truly do hope that your Mum is able to recover and live a long and healthy life. But whatever happens, you will be there for your Mum and you will love her unconditionally. I wish you and your family the very best of luck. Feel free to message me further if you feel like you ever need to talk to someone who understands. xx.

thank you for sharing your story with me, it helps to know that what i was feeling was ok. My parents stopped smoking in the house when my mom got home from her biopsy. Luckily the results came back as being some sort of precancerous cells... but I'm sure that means in time they will go back to old habits... and I will get angry again, but I will take things as they come.