Mad At LifeWe found out about a year and a half ago that my mother has a form of small cell lung cancer. The cancer was inoperable due to it's location, but they were able to succesfully treat her with chemotherapy and radiation. We all celebrated when she went into remission and I again could imagine my future with my mother in it. Finding out I'm pregnant, giving birth, all those moments that a woman shares with her mother. Things were going to be "normal" again.
But all the promises about quitting smoking and eating heather, doing the things that her doctor said would help her prevent it from comming back didn't last. Within a month or so my older sister admitted to me that my mom was smoking again, just as much as she ever had. I asked her about, she lied but made me promise not to get mad if she did start smoking again, or have the occasional cigarette while I was around. I made the promise not knowing how hard it would be to keep.
I avoided situations where it would come up. I ignore the fact that my father smokes in the house, sometimes in front of me. But in the back of my mind I've been thinking "it's as if they don't care". Like they don't care if the cancer comes back, like she doesn't care if she sees my neice and nephew grow up and graduate from highschool. As if she doesn't care if she is here for me when I become a mother.
Now the cancer may be back. They did a laparoscopic biopsy this morning and we are waiting to see if they were able to get a large enough sample through the scar tissue... we don't know if she will let them do an open biopsy if this one wasn't big enough... I know I should be sad and scared, but the overwhelming emotion i have right now is ANGER. I am so ad and i don't know if it is at her or the world, or if it is just how I dealing with my fear of having to do all of those things without my mother.