I Just Dont Know How To Help Her

My mom was diagnosed with multiplex sclerosis long time ago.. She also had a cancer.. She had really rough time since i was born, when i remember my childhood, i can barely remember her happy and smiled.. She was always crying, locking herself in the room, and one sentence which she still repeats is always ringing in my ears "I wish i was dead, you and your sister will be happy without us, i want you to go, to forget about us, go somewhere far away so you don't have to look at us anymore".. When i was a kid i couldn't understand all that's happening around me, but since i started to realize nature of her illness, i was trying to live every day just for her.. I always watch what will i say, never go out, sit with her every night, listen to her crying, convincing her that things can be better.. When i see that i brought smile to her face just for a one day, i don't think i can be happier that day.. But there are some things that i can't control.. It seems like I'm the only one who actually cares about her.. I know my dad loves her but..he never really cares how she feels, he sometimes do things on purpose just to make her angry, he never helps her, when he have some problem, he yells at her like its her fault.. When i want to talk to him about that, he yells at me too, saying to me that I'm a kid, its not my problem to deal with, and then he yells at my mom saying to her that she is turning me against him.. I cannot change him, i tried so many times.. And then, after 10 days of struggling to bring my mom "back", he just crashes it all down.. And i cant take it anymore, I'm 22, and since i was a kid i was listening to crying, yelling and screaming around the house.. I want to help her but i just don't know how.. Every single thing makes her depressed.. She just takes pills, and lock herself in the room.. Sometimes it's followed by crashing things around the house.. I can't deal with this alone, whole family should help her.. Whatever i do is useless as long as someone else destroy it all in just 10minutes.. I should get married next year, and in few months I'm moving to other country to live with my fiance.. I'm scared what will happen when i go.. Who will she have then.. I'm scared what will she do to herself if there is no one to calm her down.. I can't go like that, and i can't take her with me.. And the thing that makes me sad the most, is that i will always remember her as mom who was always unhappy :(
OdetteAB OdetteAB
22-25, F
Dec 25, 2012