I Want Her To Be Happy

A little less than a year ago, my mom and I were fighting the entire ride home from dance. What about, I have no clue but it made me upset. Background is simple - she and I do not get along well. She worries too much and does not like what she doesn't know. I take after my dad's side and am more opportunistic, curious, and adventurous. Anyways, we were still fighting while sitting in the garage and I don't know what I had said but she cracks and screams "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF?!" She scrambles getting out the the car and bolts inside. Just like that. I was temporarily stunned and in shock. I realized that she was a danger to herself and I started looking for her but couldn't find her. I find my dad and tell him a jist of what happened and he seemed unphased like it happens all the time. I found her in the laundry room crying her eyes out. I sat her down for an hour talking to her, coodling her, holding her hand, the whole shebang. I may not like her but as her daughter it was my duty because I still care about her. She was hung up on how I don't share my problems with her since she was convinced I was messed up because I had a rebellious streak where I pierced my 2nd holes and my cartilage and did some henna tattoos. Reeeeal crazy, i know, but she had a freak out of epic proportions when she saw them. Still in tears, she made me promise to share with her anything that was troubling me. But when I tried to understand why she was unhappy, she said I couldn't handle it and I shouldn't worry about it. Don't get me wrong, my heart was braking for her but it's hard to help such a hypocrite. How does she expect me to confide in her when there's no trust and openness on her side. I wasn't willing to be an open book to her, and by the looks of it, SHE was the one that couldn't handle it. It really opened my eyes to how weak and sensitive she was. No longer the steel woman who could do anything in my childhood. She was so unhappy but doesn't deserve to be. She wasn't the greatest mother but must have done something right cause her oldest daughter is a successful microbiology researcher, husband is involved and loving, and lives in a beautiful house. I guess things went downhill when her 2nd daughter came around. My sister blames me for making mom depressed and I believe her. My mom hates her job so that has something to do with it but I know I've treated her really shitily. She's just so sensitive. My friends treat their parents wayyyyy worse but its not like they mean it. I say something and she thinks its a testament to my disrespect and vengeance towards her. But you're probably wondering if I do have issues. At that time, I was falling apart at the seam. I was crying a lot, and hurting myself. Sometimes I got so angry at myself that the only way to feel better is to physically punish/hurt myself. For example, if my dad was wringing me out for grades, I would scratch a certain spot till I bled. My peircings? Same thing with a stylish benefit. I had to keep making up excused for all the cuts, scratches, bruises, and burns on my body. This is when I started keeping things to myself. My mom blamed herself for my problems and she wouldn't be able handle knowing what they actually were. I believe my parent's high expectations and parenting style is the reason for both my sister's and my obsessive compulsive disorder but my sister only has body dismorphic compulsions. I suffered through all kinds of obsessions and compulsions and it stole my childhood innocence away from me. So now in present day, I still worry. Whenever we have a fight right before I leave for the night, I'm scared she will kill herself and I call later in the night and make up an excuse as to why like "just making I turned my laptop off". She refuses to see a therapist and doesn't talk to me so I have no way in seeing inside. I'm glad she learned to protect herself but it's at my expense. She pretends my problems aren't real or they go away. Or they're my fault completely and she had nothing to do with it. If someone said either you or your mother will be given a lifetime of pain, I would choose me because even though I'm broken, I'm stronger than her. I would suffer silently because I wouldn't want her to know I'm in pain. Because I want to her to be happy.
iamliv iamliv
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 20, 2013

Well, your family gave birth to you , you are a important part of their life and your are young of course you will think it's your life and wanna do whatever u want , but ask your heart is it really fair to her , that a girl to whom she taught how to walk , talk and introduce to this world is now don't understand her .
As a child of her u need to think about her and her happiness .
It's a KARMA , parents are not less than god . God give life to this world and she gave life to you and if u don't care for her or break her heart , u will get worst behavior from your children . So , it's never too late, start to care and love her

And please watch this video