Razorblade Suitcase

Today I just called my moms house and no one answered. Couple hours later I received a phone call from my step dad telling me that my mom was in the hospital. AGAIN. I have been dealing with this for almost 4 years now. The first few times she went in for trying to kill herself it really pulled at me to the point where I was upset. But now it is just so routine. I almost don't even care anymore. The one thing that has stuck with me and really effected me is when she told me "I wish you were never born"

Now I have children of my own and  couldn't imagine ever saying that to them! I understand she has some mental problems but that hurt me right down to the core.

So I guess it is just something I have to deal with and hopefully I never have to dig through my moms purse and pants pockets looking for razor blades again.

allyKat allyKat
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2007

I know just how you feel- I too am grown with my own child- and remember all too vividly the nights when my little sister and I would watch paramedics and/or family members carry my mom ( sometimes kicking & screaming/other times unconcious) out of the house to another hospital. I found my mom several times after she tried to kill herself- NO CHILD should EVER have to go thru that. I do know one GOOD thing, however- having the kind of childhood I did, makes me a better mom for my son- because he will NEVER KNOW A single days pain or experience even a fraction of the chaos and instability I did- I want ( and will make sure he gets) all that I never had!!

I know just how you feel- I too am grown with my own child- and remember all too vividly the nights when my little sister and I would watch paramedics and/or family members carry my mom ( sometimes kicking & screaming/other times unconcious) out of the house to another hospital. I found my mom several times after she tried to kill herself- NO CHILD should EVER have to go thru that. I do know one GOOD thing, however- having the kind of childhood I did, makes me a better mom for my son- because he will NEVER KNOW A single days pain or experience even a fraction of the chaos and instability I did- I want ( and will make sure he gets) all that I never had!!